Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

- - - -

Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama
.

- - - -

T H I N G S   I   L E A R N E D
A T   M Y   N E W   J O B
A T   T H E   V I D E O
S T O R E .


BY ALI DAVIS

- - - -

1. Yes, the clerk can look up every title you have ever rented.

2. Gold tags are for classic or foreign films.

3. All the Sartre and Camus in the world will not make you question the universe so much as one look at the box for the video "Fuck Pigs 5".

4. Mason likes death metal.

5. A maroon tag could be for a cult film or an alternative lifestyle-themed film. You either have to know the movie or just go look. It's no big deal: the sections are right next to each other.

6. Men in the gay porn section do not mind me coming in to restock the tags.

7. Men in the straight porn section mind it a lot.

8. Except for those who are a little too interested in talking to me.

9. As an assistant manager, Megan does not think it is appropriate to play death metal in the store.

10. Blue tags are for dramas.

11. Upon reflection, what bothers me is not so much that the ladies are referred to as "fuck pigs," but rather that this is the fifth in a series.

12. Mason thinks Megan has been trying to get death metal banned because she doesn't like it.

13. "Latin Thugs" is a very, very popular title.

14. Action movies get red tags.

15. Megan likes death metal, really, it's just that she's tired of hearing Steve, the manager, bitch about it.

16. For reasons beyond my ken, Prague is a popular destination for both gay and straight pornographic filmmakers.

17. Comedies get yellow tags.

18. Mason plays a little guitar. Casey plays the drums.

19. One day, Mason and Casey will jam together.

20. The beat cop's name is Tony.

21. Sometimes people steal the porn boxes. Not the videos, just the boxes.

22. Megan plays a little bass.

23. The bisexual porn section is inaccurately named. It is in fact transsexual porn. Bisexual porn that involves girl-on-girl action goes to the straight section. Guy-on-guy action goes to the gay section.

24. Horror movies get red or clear tags.

25. Mason doesn't really want Megan to enjoy death metal. It would somehow be less bad-ass if she, being female, really got it. Mason does not express this thought, but it is there, trust me.

26. If the credit card printer is acting up, turn it off and turn it back on again. It will work. No one knows why.

27. One of the regular customers has a flag on his computer file because he has a habit of returning tapes covered in lube.

28. Easy access to video equipment has made the porn industry more egalitarian, but has also caused a huge drop in quality, at least as far as thinking up clever titles goes.

29. Obviously, the New Releases section is going to have tags of every color, except for the Adult stuff, which goes into Adult New Releases downstairs.

30. Mason and Casey are never, ever going to let Megan jam with them, though none of them is consciously aware of this.

 

MORE LISTS

 

- - - -

MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES



Memories of Amanda Davis




Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST

TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS

NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS

BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING

DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY
TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE


GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY

THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER

OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION

DISPATCHES FROM MANILA

DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS


REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE

LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX

NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR
AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS


B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM

CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ

AND HERE'S THE KICKER:
MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS


GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES

SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW

DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER
WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE


DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT

DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL

DISPATCHES FROM INDIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

ABOUT THE WILD THINGS

ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT

ABOUT FEVER CHART

ABOUT GOD SAYS NO

ABOUT ZEITOUN

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL
TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY


E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT
FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM


TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO,
DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK


JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER

STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL