S H O R T I M A G I N E D
M O N O L O G U E S .
- - - -
Mom, Dad,
I'm Into Steampunk.
- - - -
Remember when I was crawling around the attic, looking for my old Planters-peanut-man Halloween costume? I didn't donate it to the children's theater, like I told you. I salvaged the monocle, top hat, and cane, combined them with a swallowtail tuxedo, and stole away to a midnight screening of the underrated masterpiece The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Don't get me wrong; I still live in your world. In this very house even. But now I exist between two eras: an Edwardian past and a quixotic future where dirigibles can travel through space and time.
No, I won't take off my topcoat. And that's exactly my point. I understand your confusion. The nascent trend I have latched onto is difficult to define. Maybe I can explain it to you with the new mods I've been working on. No, Mom. Not like in Quadrophenia, although I appreciate those mods' fondness for tailor-made clothing. These mods.
This looks like a late-18th-century organette, correct? Look again. It hides the Dell laptop you got me when I went to college. This bronze hand crank turns it on, and I've hidden a miniature photo printer where the tune sheet is supposed to go. I even installed Linux. I've put a lot of time into this since I quit my job at Anthropologie, which is something else I wanted to tell you about. Don't get up and go to Lowe's yet. But when you're there can you get me a two-speed fan capacitor?
You'll appreciate this, Dad. Would I ever lose this cell phone? It's got a back plate of soldered brass. I created the aged patina with simple ammonia and salt. I'll replenish that soon, if you'll quit bugging me about it. Check this out. These interlocking gears are what I use to dial. They also explain why I haven't been replying to your texts recently.
Of course, I didn't need to mod Grandpa's railroad watch, but I did want to tell you that I'm borrowing it indefinitely.
If you want to label me retrofuturistic so I can fit into your compartmentalized worldview, that's fine. But look past my airplane goggles. This is my lifestyle. While many of my kind doubt there'll be a complete societal collapse in the future, a near-cataclysm is likely. In this scenario, I will be able to repair a generator, suture the wounded, and even train carrier pigeons. I'm learning valuable skills.
Don't be silly. I am not affiliated with the goths who hang out at the end of the boardwalk. Yes, rivetheads have made attempts to horn in on my culture. It's attractive to them. Since Evanescence went mainstream, they've been able to buy their clothes at Spencer's Gifts. But just because they read about our ways on Boing Boing doesn't mean they can rock a true neo-Victorian lifestyle. It takes a lot of time and a lot of welding.
How long? Why are you so locked down to the months and weeks of today? Anyway, I've known for a while that I belong to a hypertechnologized gaslight era. I've loved trains since I was 2. Remember my obsession with Disney's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea? And although I don't remember getting a good grade on that Nikola Tesla essay, I was really enthusiastic about the subject.
Don't shackle me to your outmoded ways of work. Trade and barter are more valuable to me than any coin. Besides, I'm plenty busy guest-hosting a blog called The Neon Corset. My band, Shades of Crimson, has taken off. We just booked a gig at the Rusty Rudder.
Is it too soon to invite you to a night of experimental performance and magic? My friends and I are hosting a postvaudevillian event at the VFW Hall. If you attend, I would appreciate if you called me by my new name, Alchemancer.
Don't look so crestfallen, Mom and Dad. At least I'm not into cyberpunk.
- - - -
PREVIOUS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES
- - - -
Eco Joe's Pre-WrestleMania-Match Rant Leaves a Lot to Be Desired
By Frank Ferri (4/24/09)
Bono Gives the Rush-Hour Traffic Report
By Alyssa Lang (4/2/09)
This Adult Male Greater Sage Grouse Refuses to Play the Plumage Game, Baby
By Paul Ita (3/3/09)
Subway Sandwich Artist's Statement
By Jonathan Tucker Bell (2/19/09)
Stevie Nicks Applies for Work at an Ice Rink
By Jordi Barnes (1/27/09)
A Mail Carrier Realizes That a Family's Netflix Movie Has Yet to Be Returned
By Frank Ferri (1/6/09)
A Candiru Issues an Apology From Inside Your Urethra
By Isaac Rooks (12/8/08)
The Cervine Patient Begins His Analysis
By Curtis Edmonds (11/19/08)
No Son of Mine Plays Oregon Trail Like That
By Michael Nelson Price (11/6/08)
Beowulf, Sitting Next to a 16-Year-Old Kid, Watches Frasier on a Transcontinental Flight
By Russell Hehn (10/28/08)
A 39-Year-Old Wedding Photographer Makes Her Pitch at the Ramada Inn Bridal Expo
By Christine Nangle (10/21/08)
A Taxi Dispatcher Talks a Passenger Through an Emergency Parking
By Jake Salter (8/5/08)
Jeff Bezos Says Hi to You in the Waiting Room of Your Doctors' Office
By Evan Johnston (8/1/08)
Mom, Dad, I'm Into Steampunk
By Marco Kaye (7/25/08)
It Was I Who Flipped Over the Risk Board Last Night
By Colin Nissan (6/17/08)
A Former WWF Wrestler, Now a Suburban Realtor and Parent of Three, Campaigns for PTA Chair and Battles His Instincts
By Teddy Wayne (6/10/08)
A Pep Talk for the New Pair of Shorts I Will Wear Every Day This Summer
By John Frank (5/13/08)
The Most Complicated Game
By Michael Reisman (3/4/08)
Potsie's Breakdown
By Lindsay Champion (2/26/08)
Heart for Sale, Slightly Torn
By Adrienne Gunn (2/14/08)
I Can't Remain Your Girlfriend Just Because Your Best Friend Is in a Coma
By Nicole Fabian (2/5/08)
Fellow Grocery Shoppers of Checkout Line No. 6
By Sean P. Murray (1/29/08)
An Orca Goes Drinking, Talks About His Career
By Jonathan J. Levin (1/22/08)
Let Me Assure You, Joanie. I Am Freezing
By Grace Parra (12/18/07)
Blake, Alec Baldwin's Character From the Movie Version of Glengarry Glen Ross, Motivates Some Fourth-Graders
By Sonny Harding (12/11/07)
Christopher Robin Stages an Intervention
By Becky Adnot (11/28/07)
An Inarticulate, Self-Consciously Ironic Voice of His Twentysomething Generation Makes an Opening Statement for His Client in a Corporate-Fraud Case
By Teddy Wayne (11/13/07)
My Workplace Eulogy, as Given by My Boss, in Office Jargon
By Eric Feezell (11/6/07)
In the Early '70s, a Chicago Native Approves of the Sears Tower Construction, in Anticipation of It Beating the World Trade Center for Tallest Building in the World
By Michael Stutz (10/23/07)
After Organizing an Emergency Eight-and-Three-Fourths-Year Reunion, a Late Bloomer Shares Some Important News With Her Class
By Aisha Muharrar (10/9/07)
An Obsessive-Compulsive's Prayer Before Death
By Eric Buell (10/2/07)
The CEO of the Olive Garden Makes His Last Stand on the "Free Breadsticks" Issue
By Mike Drucker (9/26/07)
Upon Hearing Fred's Usual Suggestion That the Gang Split Up, Velma Raises a Few Issues
By Jay Dyckman (9/17/07)
Having Just Completed a Three-Week Throw-Intensive Judo Course, I Strongly Advise You Not to Fuck With Me
By Dave De Fina (9/5/07)
Moby-Dick Explains His New Captain Ahab Piercing to His Wife
By Chad Rutan (8/23/07)
Narcissus Places a Personal Ad
By Matteson Perry (8/14/07)
Death-Metal Star Rethinks Romantic Love Onstage
By Jonathan J. Levin (8/8/07)
A Billet-Doux From Your Goldfish
By A.H. Avouris (7/31/07)
I'm So Happy, I Think I'll Flip a Car
By Christine F. Nangle (7/24/07)
Eulogy for a Bearded Bee Guy
By Colin Nissan (7/20/07)
Emergency Broadcast System
By Vince Eckert (7/11/07)
Vladimir Nabokov Didn't Have to Put Up With Payroll
By Shane Ryan (6/26/07)
An Elmwood Forest High School Special Report: Susan Mary Kovolski Thinks She'd Make a Great Prom Date
By Megan Baker (6/20/07)
Bo Jackson Announces His Intention to Rush for Over 500 Yards in a Single Game in Tecmo Bowl for Nintendo
By Rick Stoeckel (6/5/07)
Your Driver Hopes You're Sharing His Epiphany
By Emma Rowley (5/15/07)
Thoughts for Incoming Freshman
By Pat Landers (4/19/07)
William Smith: The College-Application Essay
By Justin Parker Pool I (4/12/07)
A Drunken, Obnoxious, Imaginative, Unnecessary Best-Man Speech for a Friend's Marriage of Convenience at the Municipal Building
By Matthew Collison (3/7/07)
An Excerpt From the Lindale High School Graduation Valedictorian Speech by Samuel Clark, Who Ate the Brains of His Fellow Students to Increase His Intelligence
By Alex Kane (2/28/07)
Tom Skerritt's Speech to the Cadets in Top Gun Is Probably Long Enough as It Is
By Patrick Cassels (2/14/07)
Today's AA Speaker: Mr. Tom Waits (If Mr. Waits Is Actually Like the People He Writes Songs About)
By Russell Bradbury-Carlin (2/5/07)
My Brain's Answers During an Interview After Hearing the News That I Am About to Take Mushrooms for the First Time
By Dan Klein
Matthew McConaughey Explains to His Friend Rich That He Forgot His Dr. Pepper
By Dede Preno
Holden Caulfield Gives the Commencement Speech to a High School
By Andrew Tan
Holiday Basket Case
By Angie Brennan
Professor Richard Dawkins Speaks at Fair Hills Kindergarten Regarding Santa Claus, December 2, 2006
By Mike Jones
An 8-Foot Submarine Sandwich Gives Himself a Pep Talk
By Alex Berg
The Lead Singer Is Distracting Me
By Juan Martinez
And They Say You Can't Get Any Jobs With a Philosophy Degree
By Devin Blake
Slash Prepares to Run to 7-Eleven for Cigarettes at
4 A.M.
By Nick Kirincic
Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, Has Fucking Had It With You, Man
By Glen Weldon
Wario Gives an Account of a Mario Kart Race for Strangers at a Bar
By Charlie Nadler
I'm Beginning to Think No One's Coming to My Cinco de Mayo Party
By Jason Roeder
Bill Cosby's Unused Dialogue as the Voice of King Kong During the Final Confrontation on Top of the Empire State Building in Peter Jackson's King Kong
By Mike Jones
A Push-Reel Mower's Rumination on Mowing the Lawn in the Gas-Powered Age
By Brian Slattery
Final Thoughts of the Big Bald Shirtless German Soldier Who Beat Up Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark
By Ralph Gamelli
Bob Hope Auditions for the Role of Quint in Jaws: April 12, 1974 (The USS Indianapolis Monologue)
By Robert Hornak
An Unwelcome Confession From Someone Whose Hand Is in Your Mouth
By Emma Rowley
Alligators Are the New Sharks, as Rebutted by a Shark
By Eric Edwards
The Garter Snake in 11-Year-Old Kevin Wackerbarth's Terrarium
By Ned Rust
David Caruso Scolds His Cat About Its Lackadaisical Litter-Box Use
By Brian Graham
Britney Spears Responds to Daniel Edwards's Sculpture Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston
By Julie Bear
Timothy Treadwell's Screen Tests for Cheers
By Eugenia Williamson
Ryan Adams Gives a Speech to a Little League Team He Coaches, Before the Championship Game
By Roger Marks
The Thoughts of Burt Reynolds Upon Stumbling on a Rerun of Win, Lose, or Draw on the Game Show Network on August 9, 2005
By Ben Hogan
Dr. Robotnik's Proposal to His Board of Shareholders
By Mark Alletag
Christopher Walken Attempts to Convince a Harlem T-Shirt Vendor That Scarface Can Be a Religion
By Libby Leonard
Trent, From Swingers, Performs an Exorcism
By Adam J. Silver
Alfred Hitchcock Complains About His Hotel Room
By Andrew Meek
"The Macho Man" Randy Savage Goes to the Doctor
By Rick Stoeckel
Morgan Freeman Buys a Pop-A-Shot Machine
By Greg Ruehlmann
Thak, the Most Organized Member of the Party of Roughly 70 People Who Originally Settled North America
By Richard D. Allen
George Jefferson's Thoughts on Mind and Style
By Ben Greenman
Bit Bit, Speak!: A Monologue From the Canine Companion of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
By Kathy Cacace
Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip
By Justin Kahn
What It Is to Love and Lose: Groucho Marx
By Ben Greenman
2008 Presidential Stump Speech of Billy Bush, Cousin of George W. Bush and Access Hollywood Entertainment Reporter
By Teddy Wayne
Meatloaf: On Commitment, to Varsity Cheerleaders
By Kevin O Cuinn
Beware, the Shark!
By Jamie Allen (7/8/04)
An Aging Kelis, Years from Now, Reflects on a Milkshake Long Expired, but How the Boys, Ah, the Boys Remain
By Jeremy Richards (6/29/04)
Local Radio Station's "'80s Hour" Wants a Second Chance
By Lindsay Hunter
Gregor Samsa, Coach
By Will Layman
Montecore and Roy
By Steve Martin
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.