S H O R T I M A G I N E D
M O N O L O G U E S .
- - - -
A Drunken,
Obnoxious, Imaginative,
Unnecessary Best-Man Speech
for a Friend's Marriage
of Convenience at the
Municipal Building.
- - - -
When Tom first came to me and asked me to be his best man, I said no. There wasn't any money in it for me and it really didn't seem worth my time. But then, as I thought about it over the next five seconds, I came to realize that I would probably be able to give a speech, something I thought was important, as it would be an opportunity for everyone to discover just what a fantastic speaker I am.
I remember the night Tom and Alexandra met: It was a going-away party for a girl named Clare, who, unfortunately, couldn't be here tonight because she went away. Tom and I arrived late, lugging a grocery bag of vodka, soymilk, and Kahlúa up the stairs. "Tom and Matt are here," I remember everyone yelling as we came through the door. "Hooray." It was then that we were lifted up onto the shoulders of four strong men, while six beautiful women fanned us with palm leaves. This went on for about six hours. When everyone had had their fill of hero worship, we were let down and got to drinking. Soy White Russians were the drink of choice. It was then, in the kitchen preparing that very drink, that Tom met Alexandra.
To say that there were sparks when Tom and Alexandra met would be incorrect, seeing as Alexandra thought Tom and I were a couple, which seems to be the popular conclusion women come to these days. When a guy doesn't give them enough attention, he must be gay. Women: Just because two guys hanging out in their friend's kitchen at 2 in the morning think it's a good idea to play dress-up in beaded jewelry and oversize sunglasses and then strike a pose for some random stranger's camera, doesn't mean they're gay. It means they're really drunk.
That said, Alexandra's misperception of Tom's sexual orientation was short-lived, as the party changed locations to a Brazilian dance club in South Williamsburg and was, accordingly, taken up a notch. It was then, amid the smooth interplay of electronic
beats and live hand drummers, that Tom was finally given the chance to show Alexandra what a truly fabulous dancer he is. "Your moves are electric," I remember Alexandra saying to Tom. "Your hip swivels are ample and smooth," I remember Tom saying back to Alexandra.
"You are the olive-skinned boy from Illinois I dreamt of back when I was a little girl in Budapest," Alexandra went on.
"Your eyes hold all the great mysteries of the world wrapped in an enigma deep-fried in mysteriousness," Tom said.
And so it went, the two love birds whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, giving each other these passionate looks, looks that would soften the most hardened
cynic, make the most murderous murderer stop murdering. This, my friends, is the story of how Tom and Alexandra met.
Indeed, it has been a whirlwind courtship over the last two and a half weeks. It would be an understatement to say Tom and Alexandra have been through a lot. From the kite-sailing incident in Fiji where Alexandra was blown offshore and briefly kidnapped by Filipino pirates. To Tom and Alexandra's two years in the Peace Corps together, helping
Amazonians burn down the Amazon. To the skiing trip in the Alps with that crazy Frenchman. Ha ha. You remember the one. To the capoeira street brawl in Rio that lost its dance-fighting aesthetic when automatic rifles were introduced. To the ice-skating trips in Westchester County, driving the Johnson family four-wheel-drive sleigh. To Tom's man-with-a-van moneymaking scheme. To Alexandra's famous leftover-lentil-soup parties. To Tom's life debt to the Colombian Cosa Nostra. To the quiet nights they spent in Brooklyn, curled up on the couch, drinking a glass of Pinot Noir together and watching an autumn rainstorm glisten on the streets below, so very much in love. Wow. What a long, strange trip it's been.
It reminds me of a line from the Huey Lewis song "The Power of Love," featured in the 1986 classic Back to the Future, starring Michael J. Fox, directed by Robert Zemeckis: "Don't need money, don't take fame, don't need no credit card to ride this train." Tom and Alexandra, you don't need no credit card to ride this train. It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes. But it might just save your life. That's the power of love. Do you feel the power? I feel the power, the power of love.
On an almost but not quite sincere note, I would like to close by saying that I am drunk. Maybe tonight is not a testament to love. But it is a testament to money. So, here's to Alexandra and Tom. May your new citizenship and your $10,000 be everything you hoped for and more.
- - - -
PREVIOUS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES
- - - -
A Pep Talk for the New Pair of Shorts I Will Wear Every Day This Summer
By John Frank (5/13/08)
The Most Complicated Game
By Michael Reisman (3/4/08)
Potsie's Breakdown
By Lindsay Champion (2/26/08)
Heart for Sale, Slightly Torn
By Adrienne Gunn (2/14/08)
I Can't Remain Your Girlfriend Just Because Your Best Friend Is in a Coma
By Nicole Fabian (2/5/08)
Fellow Grocery Shoppers of Checkout Line No. 6
By Sean P. Murray (1/29/08)
An Orca Goes Drinking, Talks About His Career
By Jonathan J. Levin (1/22/08)
Let Me Assure You, Joanie. I Am Freezing
By Grace Parra (12/18/07)
Blake, Alec Baldwin's Character From the Movie Version of Glengarry Glen Ross, Motivates Some Fourth-Graders
By Sonny Harding (12/11/07)
Christopher Robin Stages an Intervention
By Becky Adnot (11/28/07)
An Inarticulate, Self-Consciously Ironic Voice of His Twentysomething Generation Makes an Opening Statement for His Client in a Corporate-Fraud Case
By Teddy Wayne (11/13/07)
My Workplace Eulogy, as Given by My Boss, in Office Jargon
By Eric Feezell (11/6/07)
In the Early '70s, a Chicago Native Approves of the Sears Tower Construction, in Anticipation of It Beating the World Trade Center for Tallest Building in the World
By Michael Stutz (10/23/07)
After Organizing an Emergency Eight-and-Three-Fourths-Year Reunion, a Late Bloomer Shares Some Important News With Her Class
By Aisha Muharrar (10/9/07)
An Obsessive-Compulsive's Prayer Before Death
By Eric Buell (10/2/07)
The CEO of the Olive Garden Makes His Last Stand on the "Free Breadsticks" Issue
By Mike Drucker (9/26/07)
Upon Hearing Fred's Usual Suggestion That the Gang Split Up, Velma Raises a Few Issues
By Jay Dyckman (9/17/07)
Having Just Completed a Three-Week Throw-Intensive Judo Course, I Strongly Advise You Not to Fuck With Me
By Dave De Fina (9/5/07)
Moby-Dick Explains His New Captain Ahab Piercing to His Wife
By Chad Rutan (8/23/07)
Narcissus Places a Personal Ad
By Matteson Perry (8/14/07)
Death-Metal Star Rethinks Romantic Love Onstage
By Jonathan J. Levin (8/8/07)
A Billet-Doux From Your Goldfish
By A.H. Avouris (7/31/07)
I'm So Happy, I Think I'll Flip a Car
By Christine F. Nangle (7/24/07)
Eulogy for a Bearded Bee Guy
By Colin Nissan (7/20/07)
Emergency Broadcast System
By Vince Eckert (7/11/07)
Vladimir Nabokov Didn't Have to Put Up With Payroll
By Shane Ryan (6/26/07)
An Elmwood Forest High School Special Report: Susan Mary Kovolski Thinks She'd Make a Great Prom Date
By Megan Baker (6/20/07)
Bo Jackson Announces His Intention to Rush for Over 500 Yards in a Single Game in Tecmo Bowl for Nintendo
By Rick Stoeckel (6/5/07)
Your Driver Hopes You're Sharing His Epiphany
By Emma Rowley (5/15/07)
Thoughts for Incoming Freshman
By Pat Landers (4/19/07)
William Smith: The College-Application Essay
By Justin Parker Pool I (4/12/07)
A Drunken, Obnoxious, Imaginative, Unnecessary Best-Man Speech for a Friend's Marriage of Convenience at the Municipal Building
By Matthew Collison (3/7/07)
An Excerpt From the Lindale High School Graduation Valedictorian Speech by Samuel Clark, Who Ate the Brains of His Fellow Students to Increase His Intelligence
By Alex Kane (2/28/07)
Tom Skerritt's Speech to the Cadets in Top Gun Is Probably Long Enough as It Is
By Patrick Cassels (2/14/07)
Today's AA Speaker: Mr. Tom Waits (If Mr. Waits Is Actually Like the People He Writes Songs About)
By Russell Bradbury-Carlin (2/5/07)
My Brain's Answers During an Interview After Hearing the News That I Am About to Take Mushrooms for the First Time
By Dan Klein
Matthew McConaughey Explains to His Friend Rich That He Forgot His Dr. Pepper
By Dede Preno
Holden Caulfield Gives the Commencement Speech to a High School
By Andrew Tan
Holiday Basket Case
By Angie Brennan
Professor Richard Dawkins Speaks at Fair Hills Kindergarten Regarding Santa Claus, December 2, 2006
By Mike Jones
An 8-Foot Submarine Sandwich Gives Himself a Pep Talk
By Alex Berg
The Lead Singer Is Distracting Me
By Juan Martinez
And They Say You Can't Get Any Jobs With a Philosophy Degree
By Devin Blake
Slash Prepares to Run to 7-Eleven for Cigarettes at
4 A.M.
By Nick Kirincic
Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, Has Fucking Had It With You, Man
By Glen Weldon
Wario Gives an Account of a Mario Kart Race for Strangers at a Bar
By Charlie Nadler
I'm Beginning to Think No One's Coming to My Cinco de Mayo Party
By Jason Roeder
Bill Cosby's Unused Dialogue as the Voice of King Kong During the Final Confrontation on Top of the Empire State Building in Peter Jackson's King Kong
By Mike Jones
A Push-Reel Mower's Rumination on Mowing the Lawn in the Gas-Powered Age
By Brian Slattery
Final Thoughts of the Big Bald Shirtless German Soldier Who Beat Up Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark
By Ralph Gamelli
Bob Hope Auditions for the Role of Quint in Jaws: April 12, 1974 (The USS Indianapolis Monologue)
By Robert Hornak
An Unwelcome Confession From Someone Whose Hand Is in Your Mouth
By Emma Rowley
Alligators Are the New Sharks, as Rebutted by a Shark
By Eric Edwards
The Garter Snake in 11-Year-Old Kevin Wackerbarth's Terrarium
By Ned Rust
David Caruso Scolds His Cat About Its Lackadaisical Litter-Box Use
By Brian Graham
Britney Spears Responds to Daniel Edwards's Sculpture Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston
By Julie Bear
Timothy Treadwell's Screen Tests for Cheers
By Eugenia Williamson
Ryan Adams Gives a Speech to a Little League Team He Coaches, Before the Championship Game
By Roger Marks
The Thoughts of Burt Reynolds Upon Stumbling on a Rerun of Win, Lose, or Draw on the Game Show Network on August 9, 2005
By Ben Hogan
Dr. Robotnik's Proposal to His Board of Shareholders
By Mark Alletag
Christopher Walken Attempts to Convince a Harlem T-Shirt Vendor That Scarface Can Be a Religion
By Libby Leonard
Trent, From Swingers, Performs an Exorcism
By Adam J. Silver
Alfred Hitchcock Complains About His Hotel Room
By Andrew Meek
"The Macho Man" Randy Savage Goes to the Doctor
By Rick Stoeckel
Morgan Freeman Buys a Pop-A-Shot Machine
By Greg Ruehlmann
Thak, the Most Organized Member of the Party of Roughly 70 People Who Originally Settled North America
By Richard D. Allen
George Jefferson's Thoughts on Mind and Style
By Ben Greenman
Bit Bit, Speak!: A Monologue From the Canine Companion of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
By Kathy Cacace
Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip
By Justin Kahn
What It Is to Love and Lose: Groucho Marx
By Ben Greenman
2008 Presidential Stump Speech of Billy Bush, Cousin of George W. Bush and Access Hollywood Entertainment Reporter
By Teddy Wayne
Meatloaf: On Commitment, to Varsity Cheerleaders
By Kevin O Cuinn
Beware, the Shark!
By Jamie Allen (7/8/04)
An Aging Kelis, Years from Now, Reflects on a Milkshake Long Expired, but How the Boys, Ah, the Boys Remain
By Jeremy Richards (6/29/04)
Local Radio Station's "'80s Hour" Wants a Second Chance
By Lindsay Hunter
Gregor Samsa, Coach
By Will Layman
Montecore and Roy
By Steve Martin
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.