O P E N L E T T E R S
T O P E O P L E O R E N T I T I E S
W H O A R E U N L I K E L Y
T O R E S P O N D .
- - - -
[Send your open letters to websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net.]
- - - -
A N O P E N L E T T E R T O
M Y B O S S , W H O W A S
R E C E N T L Y F I R E D .
July 13, 2004
Dear Boss Who Was Recently Fired,
I want to begin by offering my condolences. I know that your
recent firing was an unexpected blow. To you. Because the rest of us in the
office saw it coming. From a frickin' mile away.
Regardless, the job market is currently quite difficult,
especially if you've just been fired. In the interest of burying the tension
between us that you were totally unaware of, I would like to offer a few
suggestions that will help you procure, and keep, new employment.
1) I would pick a single hair color and stick with it.
Though your current combination of black, brown, and blond is a bold choice, I
don't think it projects the right image to potential employers. Rather than an
image of constant professionalism, it tends to project that you can't commit.
And that you have astoundingly bad taste. The bright-red flip you had when I
first started was nice. Why don't you go back to that?
2) I would advise cutting back on the number of cigarette
breaks you take during a given day. While I'm sure your commute is quite
stressful, a 20-minute cigarette break first thing in the morning indicates
that either your heart isn't in your job or that you're still trying to come
down off of whatever pills you took the night before.
3) I would rethink your outfits. Skintight blue jeans that
are faded suggestively around the butt area are quite hip these days, but they
aren't necessarily acceptable for the work environment. Particularly if you're
over 40. Maybe a nice dark-blue pantsuit instead. Also, though high heels are
technically business attire, I would limit myself to a 4-inch heel. Anything
higher made you teeter a bit when you walked, and lower heels will definitely
keep you from falling down as often.
4) I would also curtail your Post-It usage. Those sticky
yellow squares certainly are a godsend, but overuse can render them
ineffective. For instance, when you affixed a Post-It to each and every letter
you ever handed me, I don't believe they had the intended effect. Rather than
gently reminding me to, as you so eloquently put it each and every time,
"mail the letter," those Post-Its instead inspired me to lose several
important documents intended for your creditors, as well as to publish examples
of your syntax on the Internet.
5) No one has that many doctors appointments. No one. People
with life-threatening illnesses don't go to the doctor as much as you did. Try
to come up with other, more-creative excuses for leaving work early. For
example: "My mother is sick and has to go to the doctor," or "My
friend needs to be picked up from the doctor," or "My doctor needs to
go to a doctor."
6) Your nails were always done with great dedication and
precision, but I would consider going with softer, more-muted colors. Electric
pink with purple stripes is an eye-catcher, but it can distract people from
your message. Unless, of course, your message is "Let's go to the
mall." Also, I would consider trimming the nails. I understand that it
took you quite a while to grow them out, but at some point during an interview,
you may be asked to pick a piece of paper off of a desk.
7) When you want your assistant to do something, be sure to
tell him/her. Out loud. While simply thinking about what you would like them to
do will help to solidify it in your own mind, it will leave your assistant very
confused. Especially when you yell at them about the undone task. You must
remember to give your instructions out loud. In the presence of your assistant.
Saying them aloud to yourself doesn't count. Plus, imagine how much satisfying
it will be to yell at someone who actually has made a genuine mistake. Won't
that be fun?
In
closing, I'm sure that you will procure new employment very quickly. Just
remember to keep your confidence up, keep sending out those resumés, and quit being such a dumb
bitch.
Affectionately,
Serena Lu Chang
- - - -
PREVIOUS OPEN LETTERS
An Open Letter to the Burglar of 244 Wicker Avenue
An Open Letter to Shirley MacLaine From a Former 11-Year-Old Who Was Sent to Her Apartment by George McGovern's Presidential Campaign in 1972
An Open Letter to My Across-the-Street Neighbor Who Always Does His Yard Work in His Scrubs
An Open Letter to American Express
An Open Letter to the Intestinal Parasites I Managed to Pick Up in West Africa This Summer
An Open Letter to Cambridge University Press, Regarding Odor
An Open Letter to Geraldo Rivera, Who Witnessed Me Getting Fired for Stealing a Cherry Danish Two Summers Ago
An Open Letter to My Local Newspaper With Advice for When It Runs Its Next Two-Page Photo Spread on the Beautiful Colors of the Season
An Open Letter to Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Procter & Gamble
An Open Letter to Anna Louise Jordan, Author of What Does an EMT Do?
An Open Letter to Norwegian Aid Minister Erik Solheim
An Open Letter to My Sister's Psychotic Dogs
An Open Letter to My Cats, Who Are Jealous of My New Baby Daughter and Are Acting Out Now That She Receives All the Attention
An Open Letter to My Lost Bikini Bra
An Open Letter to Mark Zuckerberg, Founder and CEO of Facebook.com, From a New Yorker Magazine Fact Checker
An Open Letter to Wendy
An Open Letter to My 80-Year-Old Parents' New Buick Park Avenue Ultra
An Open Letter to James Randi Regarding His "One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge"
An Open Letter to the Birds Nesting in My Air Conditioner
An Open Letter to My Neighbor Who Frequently Sits Alone Inside His Truck
An Open Letter to the Amazon Parrot I Have Been Supporting for Over 15 Years Who Still Tries to Bite Me for No Apparent Reason
An Open Letter to My Neighbors a Few Buildings Away in My Apartment Complex
An Open (Love) Letter to Taco Bell's Crunchwrap Supreme
An Open Letter to an Ultimate-Fighting Referee
An Open Letter to the People Behind the "Now That's What I Call Music!" Series
An Open Letter to My Cat, Abbie
An Open Letter to Orcas
An Open Letter to Foie Gras
An Open Letter to the Man Wearing a T-Shirt That Says "It Isn't Going to Suck Itself"
An Open Letter to the Occupants of a House on the Nintendo Game "Paperboy"
An Open Letter to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
An Open Letter to the Man Who Installed the Carpet in 1974 for the Previous Owners of the Home We Just Bought
An Open Letter to the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney
An Open Letter to My Husband's Pillow
An Open Letter to the Squirrel Trying to Chew Its Way Through My Roof
An Open Letter to the Spider in the Upper Right-Hand Corner of the Skylight in My Flat
An Open Letter to the Cat, Who Pushes Glasses Off the Kitchen Counter While We're Trying to Sleep
An Open Letter to a Guy I Work With Who Always Comes Into My Office to Tell Me He Sent Me an E-mail Right After He Sends Me an E-mail
An Open Letter to My Doppelgänger
An Open Letter to the Leader of the Ant Nation Residing in My Bathroom
An Open Letter to My Ability to Lose Interest in Things Easily
An Open Letter to My Sonicare Electric Toothbrush
An Open Letter to the Human Resources Department of the Superfriends
An Open Letter to the Eight-Hour Workday
An Open Letter to the Manufacturers of Infant Sleepwear
An Open Letter to the Totally Impractical Size Chart for Women's Clothing
An Open Letter to the Couple Who Found My Panties in Their Yard Last Summer
An Open Letter to the State of New York
An Open Letter to Shrink-Wrap
An Open Letter to the Dead Joints in My Feet
An Open Letter to the Exorbitant Sum of Money I Just Inherited From My Grandfather, Whom I Didn't Really Like
An Open Letter to the Fake Boobs My Husband Bought His Ex-Girlfriend
An Open Letter to Ryan Funk
An Open Letter to Global Warming
An Open Letter to Everyone Who, When Approaching the Door to the Office Suite Where I Am the Receptionist, Turns the Handle Down, Then Pushes the Door In, Thereby Causing a Loud Obnoxious Banging Sound, Looks Up at Me With Fear and Frustration in Their Eyes, Turns the Handle Up This Time, But Still Pushes the Door In, Causing That Same Obnoxious Banging Sound, Giving Me the Same Terrified Look, Then Rings the Doorbell, Which Is Even Louder and More Piercing, Then Stands There, Petrified, Angry at My Incompetence to Unlock the Door With the Remote-Control Device
Three Open Letters to the Telephone Joneses With Whom I Cannot Keep Up
An Open Letter to the Gentleman at the Bar Who Asked If I Would Like a Piece of Him
An Open Letter to Lifetime Television for Women
An Open Letter to the Women and Gay Men Who Want to Read That Copy of Sex in the Window
An Open Letter to Whoever Broke Into My Car This Morning
An Open Letter to My Turtle
An Open Letter to Keith Richards' Immune System
An Open Letter to Omaha Steaks
An Open Letter to My 22-Year-Old Self
An Open Letter to My Eyebrows
An Open Letter to the Gym Shorts That Are Not in My Gym Bag
An Open Letter to the Enormous Bruise on My Upper Right Arm, Kind of Near
the Bicep, That I Acquired Last Weekend While Playing Football
An Open Letter to My Inner Child
An Open Letter to Low-Cut Pants
An Open Letter to the Rental Video Sitting on Top of My Television
An Open Letter to Herman Miller
An Open Letter to the Unemployment That Awaits Me
An Open Letter to Officials of the United States Government Regarding What's New in My Reproductive Area
An Open Letter to Cable News Organizations
An Open Letter to Nepotism
An Open Letter to Whole Foods Supermarkets
An Open Letter to My Dissertation on the Correlation Between History and Identity Formation in Colonial Massachusetts and Pennsylvania
An Open Letter to Women Who Won't Sit Down
An Open Letter to the Elephant in the Ikea-Furnished Room
An Open Letter to Chris Robinson, Lead Singer of the Black Crowes
An Open Letter to the Look on Our Leadership Consultant's Face
An Open Letter to Hummingbirds
An Open Letter to the Current Boyfriend of the Girl I'm in Love With
An Open Letter to My Boss, Who Was Recently Fired
An Open Letter to My Sony Vaio
An Open Letter to the Radioactive Spider That Never Bit Me
An Open Letter to My Three-Year-Old Daughter, Sylvie
An Open Letter to My Deep Fear That My Girlfriend Will Be Really Fat Later in Life
An Open Letter to My First Five Girlfriends
An Open Letter to Saran Wrap
An Open Letter to Poached Eggs
An Open Letter to My Eighth-Grade Long-Term Substitute Science Teacher
An Open Letter to My Computer's Insert Key
An Open Letter to My New and Old Furnaces
An Open Letter to a Playboy Poster
An Open Letter to Graydon Carter, Editor of Vanity Fair Magazine
An Open Letter to the Twenty-Year-Old USC Intern That I Slept With
An Open Letter to My Male Gynecologist
Open Letter to People Who Stare at My Boyfriend Because He Is More Attractive Than Me
An Open Letter to William Kristol, Richard Perle, and President Bush's Other Neoconservative Puppetmasters
An Open Letter to the Hollywood Movie Machine
An Open Letter to That Mother on the Sidelines of My Daughter's Soccer Game
An Open Letter to My Attractive Coworker at the Pool
An Open Letter to Sergeant Smith
An Open Letter to My Summer Interns
An Open Letter to My Personal Trainer
An Open Letter to the Strange Red Bugs with Many Legs Living in My Basement, Which Is Where My Roommates and I Sleep
An Open Letter to the Makers of Glaceau's Vitamin Water
An Open Letter to the Many Leafhoppers Destroyed in My Phylogenetic Research
An Open Letter to My Eighth-Grade Yearbook Photograph
An Open Letter to the Customers at the Tattoo Shop Where I Work
An Open Letter to Baseball's Bill Madlock
An Open Letter to Penguins
An Open Letter to Robert Mugabe
An Open Letter from Milton Bradley to Milton Bradley
An Open Letter to Vice President Dick Cheney's Underbite
An Open Letter to To the People at Mott's
An Open Letter to Two Young Women at the Clothing Store in the Mall
An Open Letter to the Whites of Jim Lehrer's Eyes
An Open Letter to the Young Woman on the Subway Who Screamed at Me September 21, 2003, at approximately 11:30 p.m.
An Open Letter to Paul Bremer
An Open Letter to the Nobel Committee for Literature on Behalf of Dr. Raymond Damadian
An Open Letter to My Superintendent, Hugo
An Open Letter to DirecTV
An Open Letter to People Who "Tut" on the Tube
An Open Letter to Young Women Who Work in Chain Bookstores
An Open Letter to Yuppie Mummies (or Yummies)
An Open Letter to the Guy Who Scored Only 12 "Fast Money" Points on Family Feud in the Mid-Seventies
An Open Letter to Lance Armstrong
An Open Letter to Alcohol
An Open Letter to Centripetal Force
An Open Letter to the Makers of "Valtrex" (Glaxosmithkline)
An Open Letter to Little Children Who Play in the Alley and Like to Throw Stuff At My Car
An Open Letter to Louis XIV
An Open Letter to Apartment W5
An Open Letter to the Man Who Tattooed Me
An Open Letter to My Dot Matrix Printer
An Open Letter to Umlaut
An Open Letter to Toshihiro Nishikado, Designer/Programmer of Space Invaders
An Open Letter to Chicago Public Library Desk Vandals
An Open Letter to Illusionist David Blaine, Currently Spending Forty-Four Days in a Perspex Box in London
An Open Letter to My Hairline
An Open Letter to Saint Nicholas
An Open Letter to Mr. Tastee
An Open Letter to the Panda Handler at the San Diego Zoo
An Open Letter to Claire Forlani
An Open Letter to the Song Artist Barry Mann
An Open Letter to Parkay
An Open Letter to My Spanish Host Family
An Open Letter to Asthma
An Open Letter to the Listerine Girl
An Open Letter to Google
An Open Letter to Melanie Murray, Romance Novel Manuscript Reader
An Open Letter to Miramax Home Video
An Open Letter to Ann Coulter
An Open Letter to the New York Times Style Section Photo Retoucher
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.