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As the author of the definitive guide to running for the Oval Office, So You Want to Be President? (on sale now), I know at least as much about political campaigning as anyone else, which is to say, you should trust my opinion because it's mine. I have a few hard and fast rules about politics, the hardest and fastest of which is that, put simply, negative political advertising works. As anyone who has stood in front of a high-speed fan while someone dumped a bucket of manure into the blades can tell you, shit sticks.
In observing the 2008 campaign, I've noticed there's a certain staleness to the current crop of negative advertisements. Hillary Clinton recently recycled Walter Mondale's 1984 "Red Phone" ad in order to imply that Barack Obama's a heavy sleeper who might let a crisis call go to voicemail. So, as a public, nonpartisan service, I'll be creating a series of ready-to-produce scripts for negative political advertising that seek to freshen up the genre.
For illustration purposes, I'll be using a hypothetical opponent with a nondescript name, Herman Q. Asscrack. He's a United States senator.
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Point
Breaking
Point.
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INT. BANK—DAY
(A group of GUNMEN—who are wearing rubber masks bearing your opponent's likeness and wielding automatic weapons—bursts into a bank, yelling at the customers to "get on their bleeping knees." The customers yell hysterically as the gunmen spray bullets into the ceiling and manhandle people to the ground. Cut to: CUSTOMER 1, lying on his stomach on the floor, looks up at MAIN GUNMAN.)
CUSTOMER 1: (Terrified.) Please, Senator Asscrack. Haven't you grabbed enough of my money with your tax-and-spend votes in Congress already?
(GUNMAN 1 presses the muzzle of his weapon into CUSTOMER 1's cheek.)
GUNMAN 1: (Cackling fiendishly.) Enough? There's never enough!
(Cut to: CUSTOMER 2 climbing to her knees, then being pistol-whipped back to the ground by GUNMAN 2. CUSTOMER 2 clutches at her bleeding head wound.)
CUSTOMER 2: (Wailing.) At least use our hard-earned money to pay off the national debt or strengthen our military readiness!
(GUNMAN 2 delivers a second blow to CUSTOMER 2, knocking her completely unconscious. GUNMAN 3 joins GUNMAN 2 to lift CUSTOMER 2 off the ground. Together, they hold her upside down and shake coins out of her pockets. Cut to: GUNMAN 1 jumping up on the counter and unleashing another hail of bullets into the ceiling.)
GUNMAN 1: (Cackling even more fiendishly.) Ha! I'll use it for whatever I want to! I may just build giant golden statues of myself and adorn them with precious rubies and diamonds.
(Freeze-frame: CANDIDATE walks into scene. The entire background remains frozen.)
CANDIDATE: (Oozing gravitas.) Unlike my opponent, I've pledged not to use your tax dollars to build giant golden statues of myself.
(CANDIDATE walks over to still-frozen GUNMAN 1 standing on the counter and jumps 12 feet in the air, delivering a spinning roundhouse kick—Matrix-style—to GUNMAN 1's head, shattering it into a million pieces. CANDIDATE turns to address the camera.)
CANDIDATE: My name is [insert your name here], and I definitely approved this message.
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John Warner's new book, So You Want to Be President?, is available in bookstores today.
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