Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

Ticker.

BY MICHAEL QUATTRONE

- - - -

 ... In other developments,
 the autopsies on the dead may be
 complete as early as Thursday morning.
 The autopsies on the living remain
 pending. They will be performed
 with a full orchestra and a spectacular

 light show ... Meteorologists expect a cooler
 weekend ... Housing developments
 are on the rise. Creation outperformed
 destruction in the markets this May. Be
 that as it may, most experts remain
 skeptical ... Thousands are mourning

 comedian Siggy Smolka, who died this morning
 of natural causes. "Spectacular!"
 raved the Times, when he performed
 Carcinogentlemen!, about the development
 of the Southern tobacco lobby. Dismay be-
 fell the Hollywood crowd ... "We remain

 optimistic," said actor Johnny Tremain,
 "about the war" ... Yesterday morning
 the president spoke to Congress: "Maybe
 you should know, I have speti—, texta—, uh ... spectacular
 cancer." He ordered the development
 of an innovative procedure, to be performed

 by multiple, titanium, super-formed
 robots. He will be in D.C. for the surgery, Maine
 for a six-week recovery ... A development-
 ally disabled teenager was executed this morning
 in Texas. Cheering crowds deemed it a "spectaclear
 [sic] demonstration of justice." This may be

 the start of a new era," commented Governor May B.
 McClantock. "It's just super!" ... For med-
 ical personnel who wish to inspect a "Q-lar-
 va," said to cause widespread diarrhea, blocks remain
 firmly in place ... Insurance companies are mourning
 the loss of billions due to recent developments

 toward an AIDS vaccine. Further such developments may be
 discouraged in the morning by government officials, who remain
 convinced the cure has underperformed, is "less than spectacular" ... 

 

MORE SESTINAS

 

- - - -

MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES

 

Memories of Amanda Davis

 


Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST

JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW

SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?

DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS

DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST

DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION

DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT

ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES

ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS

ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS

ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS

ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY

ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO
A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA


STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL