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Business Writing's Silent Killer: Passive Voice.
BY J. RYAN STRADAL
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(Inspired by a laminated handout from Scottsdale Seminars Business Writing 2000.)
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A decision was made by the committee. On all future correspondence, the agent of action will be put behind the verb. The effect is what the chairman describes as "sounding professional." Outside, old man Jimmer picks through the doughnut bag, banished for opposing the decision.
"Why should Jimmer even have a say in this decision?" said young Clifton. "We'll be on this PUD committee after he's filled his last colostomy bag." Jimmer heard these words, but retreated from action. He'd been Jean Reno's trainer for The Professional. He said, "Just wait." Clifton replied, "So what?"
And Clifton proved to his elder what yield youth can attenuate, hasty to a decision best left to another kind of professional. In a golf-green front lawn, the rest of the committee gathered around sirens, the result of an action that left an old man quiet in a heavy black bag.
The murder weapon was a Krispy Kreme bag filled with staplers, and the authorities were aghast at what could've inspired a resident of Stone Creek Village to such action. Even more puzzling was Clifton's apparent decision to turn a stapler on himself. The cops warned the committee, "A silent killer now haunts these lawns, brutal and professional."
In response, the PUD committee hired a professional of their own; a psychic linguist whose bag was syntax and grammar. "Dear committee," she said. "Your silent killer is passive voice. 'Who did what to whom (or what)?' written on PUD property, can allay his decision to strike you again." But the committee doubted this action.
An agreement was made by the homeowners that no action that may decrease property values is either right or professional. "Our streets and yards must stay pristine. That's our decision," they said. That night, starless quiet smothered the PUD like a bag. The next morning, "Who did what to whom (or what)?" was written in gasoline on the lawns of the committee.
Now inspired to action, the committee made a final decision, hiring a professional to write "Who did what to whom (or what)?" on every bag of doughnuts bought for meetings by the PUD committee.
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