Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

- - - -

Millard Kaufman's final novel has arrived!
Pick up Misadventure now—or, see what
you've missed out on thus far by picking up
both Bowl of Cherries and Misadventure
for 27% off the retail price.

- - - -

A Concise History
of Leg Amputations.

BY STEPHEN GIBSON

- - - -

 Alum, vitriol—for control of hemorrhage—
 "oyle of Elders scalding hot"; turpentine; hot pokers;
 pain-relieving cordials; bandages; tourniquets; thread
 for sutures; knives, curved or straight; saws
 and chisels; bone, soft tissue, skin-flaps; above all, practice—
 with leg amputations, there are barely minutes.

 "An amputation every seven minutes," 
 wrote Napoleon's surgeon at Borodino. Hemorrhage, 
 sepsis, and gangrene accompany his practice.
 He writes, "Cannonballs cauterize better than pokers." 
 At least three men restrain the patient; one saws.
 In 70 percent, you can dispense with thread.

 Since the invention of gunfire, there's a common thread:
 with below-knee fractures, operate within minutes;
 (with above-knee fractures, the patient's dead). Quite often, saws
 produce the anesthesia of unconsciousness, as does hemorrhage.
 Scrape all devitalized tissue and apply hot pokers
 (the "laudable pus" of the 13th century has fallen from practice). 

 Louis XIV knew the benefits of practice: 
 a fistula in ano, like a swallowed thread, 
 wormed through his anus and proved very painful. Blank as pokers, 
 physicians examined the royal buttocks and knew in minutes—
 but surgery? There was the danger of infection and hemorrhage. 
 Louis' solution? He employed the old saw 

 "Practice makes perfect." In two months, the court surgeon saw
 more patients (commoners) than in all his years of practice—
 and some survived, for which Louis was grateful. (The hemorrhage
 to his treasury was less easily remedied, a thread
 historians would later trace to revolution.) In minutes, 
 Louis' gamble paid off, while the rest were losers at poker. 

 In a satiric woodblock print from the 1500s, four men are playing poker: 
 two are betting the third won't survive as the fourth saws
 through the third's shin, very determined. In a few minutes
 the victim probably will die because it hasn't yet come into practice
 to tighten bands around the leg as a tourniquet. Instead, long threads
 of blood spurt into a bucket. If the bucket fills, he dies of hemorrhage. 

 Coda
 It's hard not to think God likes to play poker or practice
 with our lives to correct his foul-ups. Well, Socrates saw the one thread to follow was
 Truth—and in minutes, the poison caused his brain to hemorrhage. 

 

MORE SESTINAS

 

- - - -

MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES

- - - -



Memories of Amanda Davis

- - - -




Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

- - - -



McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS

NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY
TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE


GET TO KNOW AN INTERNET COMMENTER

GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY

THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER

OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION

DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS


REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE

LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX

NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR
AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS


CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ

SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW

DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL

SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL
TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY


E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT
FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM


JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

EXCERPTS FROM THE PANORAMA

SOLUTIONS TO BENJAMIN TAUSIG'S
THREE-DEMENSIONAL CROSSWORD PUZZLE
IN THE SAN FRANCISCO PANORAMA


ABOUT A VERY BAD WIZARD

ABOUT THE WILD THINGS

ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT

ABOUT FEVER CHART

ABOUT GOD SAYS NO

ABOUT ZEITOUN

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL