Look alive, contributors! I know you got into this industry wanting to be journalists and talk to creators, but Avengers: Endgame hits theaters this week. That means we can either run five more pieces on theories on what fans think could happen with the movie or one well-researched article with quotes that say nothing for fear of “spoilers.” Don’t give me one article on what Kevin Feige IS thinking, give me four on what he MIGHT BE thinking. Speculate. Do NOT investigate.
Samantha, great job crowdsourcing twitter reactions for Ant-Man expanding in Thanos’ ass to defeat him. #ThanosAss trended and got us a ton of hits for virtually no work, but that gravy teat is about to run bone-fucking-dry. Tell one of the web nerds to update the “Which Chris are You?” quiz to “Which Dead Chris are You?” depending on what happens in the movie. And prep for the “fan-reaction” copy and paste jobs. We can probably get five of those.
Spider-Man: Far from Home is coming out soon, so find me takes on when this movie fits in the timeline! Is it before or after Endgame? Just post reddit threads, I don’t even care if they’re from the racist boards; blur out any white supremacist names and get the keywords added!
Graphics monkeys, I need memes. Memes, memes, memes! Supernatural is ending. How does that “Have you like____”? And, can we PLEASE rebrand our “Twinning” content as “Tethered” for Us? Then search for fan art of Disney Princesses as other things or Harry Potter recast with new actors, toss on captions, and make sure Andy tags them so FuckJerry doesn’t steal our original content.
Okay, Game of Thrones team, we know they’ve been very secretive, but great job creating pieces about the running time for each episode and what that could that mean. Now that the season has started, let’s bring back the “Who Will Sit on the Throne” odds chart every week. Just make up the numbers and shuffle it each week. And make sure to add in a joke for the end, like cats. Use Ser Pounce, or Goose, or Pete Buttigieg, just get me fifty-thousand clicks with each one by Thursday.
Gaming: We invested too much in Anthem thanks to Gary. His “10 Reasons why Anthem is the Destiny Killer We’ve Been Waiting For” made us look like we don’t know our ass from a hole in the ground. So, deep dives are 86’d. I need something quick. Make a Myers-Briggs Personality Test Matrix of everyone in Apex Legends or some shit. I don’t care. But, get some traction and some “so true!”s.
Now, for my Special Ops Trigger group: Great job transitioning to Captain Marvel from The Last Jedi, but I am going to need something new from you. Find one of those Comicsgate incels that yell “Social Justice Warrior” on video about something so we can run the videos, claim outrage and use them both for traffic. Win-win. And if ANYONE can bullshit me a faux think piece on how “Rose is the titular Skywalker in Rise of Skywalker” I will give you a 20% off coupon (one-time-use) for any individual item from our web store!
Everyone else, pick a TV show that has over a .5 share and give me “5 Times it was the Best (and 5 Times it was the Worst)!" And make sure you have Google alerts set for anyone associated with James Bond saying ANYTHING about who is following Craig in the role, so we can link to it. Bonus points if anyone says they’re okay with a black actor or a woman taking over, and for Christ’s sake use Idris Elba’s photo if they do. I don’t care if he HAS said he doesn’t want to play Bond, he is a thirst trap for 75% of the planet one way or another.
Do this, and I can guarantee you the entertainment industry exposure you’re looking for. Thank you for taking the time away from your paying jobs for this meeting and know that that we couldn’t do this without great freelancers like you who do this for the love.