Congratulations! Your Ineffectual Genetic Test Results Have Arrived!

Dear Client,

We at Genetic Tests for Realz are pleased to present results from careful analysis of your DNA sample. As discussed previously, data was obtained in triplicate from our state of the art laboratories. Also note that our team of moderately trained individuals was assuredly wearing white lab coats during all experimental steps. Given these excellent standards, we are pleased to affirm that with regards to your genetic makeup, each of the statements below is presented with high confidence. Pertinent pieces of information have been capitalized for full clarity.

1. You are, in no uncertain terms, GOING TO DIE. This is unfortunate, and we feel regret on having to inform you of this, but there you have it—this is what your DNA code is telling us.

2. We contend that based on our analysis, a number of medically relevant activities are strongly advised for better health outcomes: these include (i) BREATHING, (ii) EATING, and (iii) DRINKING. Note that URINATING and DEFECATING also come highly recommended.

3. Our initial scanning of your DNA strongly suggests that you have TWO ARMS and TWO LEGS. This is almost for sure—unless, of course, you don’t. In which case, our staff asserts that this inaccuracy is moot, as a genetic test was obviously NOT needed to make this sort of assessment in the first place.

4. In the unlikely event that we were wrong with the whole arm and leg thing, let us placate any doubts in the quality of our services by stating that your genetic code DOES unequivocally confirm that you MOST CERTAINLY have at least one HEAD. Furthermore, this same analysis also strongly suggests the presence of a BRAIN of some sort.

5. By incorporating only the most recent and advanced findings in genomic research, your DNA sequences clearly show that you are NOT A CAT. Note that while the evidence for this is VERY STRONG, we cannot currently make similar statements about your overall OPINION of cats.

6. PRELIMINARY results suggest that you are exactly the sort of individual that will score HIGHLY for the ESBFGT¹ trait.

7. Given your predisposition for the ESBFGT trait, we feel it is important to inform you that we have lots of other DNA results similar to the statement about cats (for instance, the DNA also unequivocally shows that you are not even close to being a TULIP, or a CHILEAN SEABASS, and so on). However, this will ONLY be made available when you upgrade to our Platinu-mRNA Member plan.

8. Your genetics shows a PLUS (OR MINUS) 15% change in the likelihood of SOMETHING happening to YOU in the FUTURE that is probably very IMPORTANT. Note that there is a correlating PLUS (OR MINUS) 15% likelihood of people around you NOT ACTUALLY CARING about this. Please note the mention of MATH, which in our view further strengthens the validity of this test result.

9. There is a REASONABLY GOOD chance that you are, in fact, a DOUCHEBAG.

Thank you for trusting in our services. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment to discuss your test results in detail, please call 1-800-555-GENE and ask to talk to someone that is wearing a white lab coat.

Sincerely,
GENETIC TESTS FOR REALZ

¹ Easily screwed by fake genetic tests.