“You’re not going to be in danger any longer. You will no longer have anxiety from all of the problems our country has today. You will be protected, and I will be your protector. Women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free.”
— Donald Trump addressing women at a rally in Pennsylvania.
It’s hard to be a lady these days. There are so many things to be afraid of, like not having a husband, or getting scratched by my cats, or walking in the woods and seeing a bear . I know that all my fears will disappear once Donald Trump is president again. Because what says “female safety” more than the guy who was found liable for sexually assaulting E. Jean Carroll in a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room?
I often feel weak and helpless, which is why we women need men like Donald Trump to help us sort through this “woman stuff” and tell us what to do. And, of course, nothing can be more soothing to a female than the bold leadership of a man accused of sexual misconduct by twenty-six different women.
Sometimes, I get afraid of the small things too. You know, like an unwanted pregnancy after having sinful non-marital sex with a man who’s not a Republican. But then I remind myself that Donald Trump will fix everything once he retakes power. Us gals can totally relax when the genius whose far-right policies led to the death of Amber Nicole Thurman is in charge again.
Occasionally, when I’m waiting at home for a Republican man to call me, I think, “Hey, you know what would make me feel super secure? If the guy who talked about his baby daughter’s future breast size was in charge of the military.” And then I stream every Entourage episode and fall into a deep and restful sleep.
It’s quite amazing ; just the thought of Donald Trump being president again makes me feel calmer. I’m smiling more, and my voice is less shrill. I mean, this is Donald Trump we’re talking about, the same person who imagined dating his daughter, said she had the “best body,” and repeatedly sexualized her on talk shows.
How tragic it is that here we are in the twenty-first century, and women still don’t feel safe. What does that say about us as a society? And what can be done to address the worldwide violence perpetrated against girls and women? When I ask myself these weighty questions, I always come up with the same perfect resolution: A man who used to walk in on teenage girls getting dressed while he ran the Miss Teen USA Beauty Pageant.
And how about J. D. Vance? If people only understood the truth about women — that we are actually most reassured when a man’s creepiness factor is dialed up to “Norman Bates with a couch fetish.” Everyone ought to know that the moment a man starts talking about how women should stay in abusive marriages, women start breathing easier. And when a guy pontificates about the pointlessness of menopausal women, for us ladies, that feels like a spa day.
I just wish those out-of-touch Democrats would understand that women don’t really care about health care, maternity leave, and the right to make reproductive decisions. All we really need is a kitchen, a man to give us babies, and a president who partied with Jeffrey Epstein.
Most nights, I’ll turn on the news, and everything will seem horrible. After all these bucolic years when men were in charge, we might actually have a woman president. How scary is that? But that will never happen, because a man is coming to rescue us from this horrific fate. And we know he’s the only one who can save us, because this is the same guy who bragged about grabbing us by the genitals with zero consequences.
Want to feel really, safe? America already elected him once. So don’t forget to register and vote.