Dear Candidate,
If you are receiving this letter, it means that last night’s sexual intercourse was deemed satisfactory enough that I would like to extend an offer to you for further engagements under more structured terms. Please accept my sincerest congratulations on your above-average performance. You stood out among a talented applicant pool by exhibiting passion, innovation, and willingness to be a team player. I feel that you are a good, comfortable fit, and have a lot of potential here for personal growth and development, particularly in the areas of weakness I have highlighted in Appendix A of this letter. I really hope that you consider joining me. Congratulations, once again. Now for the terms of your offer.
1. Position
Upon accepting the offer, you will enter with a title of “this guy I’ve hooked up with a couple times, but totally no strings attached, you know?” Based on regular performance reviews, you have the potential to advance to “Friend with Benefits,” “Significant Other,” “Senior Partner,” and finally “Executive Vice President.”
2. Compensation
You are entitled to twice weekly compensation during the two time slots I have available in my schedule: Saturday between 9 PM and 10:30 PM (EST) and Tuesday between 3 PM and 4 PM (EST). Billable overtime is acceptable for the fifteen minutes between ECON 446 and a cappella rehearsal on Wednesdays (contingent on efficient performance), as well holidays and special occasions. All future oral compensation is null and void pending reciprocation.
3. Benefits
You are entitled to regular emotional support during standard operating hours and within specified boundaries (see Appendix B). You are also entitled to weekend-only housing, use of designated shared toiletries, one bi-weekly paid date (see Appendix C), and medical insurance covering items I can find at a nearby drugstore (limit $20 per period of illness) as well as a contraception deductible ($50, annual).
4. relationship
Our lower-case “r” relationship is for no specific period of time. Your relationship with me will be “at will,” meaning that either you or I may terminate the relationship at any time and for any reason, without prior notice and with or without cause. Any contrary representations or indications of emotional dependency, which may have been made known to you are superseded by this offer.
5. Outside Activities
This offer does not include any provisions regarding outside engagements and neither party is contractually bound to abstain from any particular outside activities. Look, we’re in college, you know? That said, parties should stop and really make sure they are weighing the costs and benefits of any decision involving an outside party. Note that the “at will” clause described in the previous section is still in effect.
6. Background Check
I may conduct a verification of any information regarding your personal, sexual, or pre-professional qualifications. This verification may entail contacting references who are privy to knowledge that might otherwise be available as public record. This offer can be rescinded based upon data received in the verification. It is highly recommended that you submit an official academic transcript and a letter of recommendation from a professor, employer, or former lover as a supplement.
7. Entire Agreement
This letter supersedes and replaces any prior understandings or agreements, whether oral, written, or implied, whether intoxicated or sober, between you and I regarding the matters described in this letter.
If you wish to accept this offer, please sign and date both the enclosed duplicate original of this letter and the enclosed Confidential Information Agreement (with attached Sexual Fetish Clause) and return them to me, keeping a copy for your personal records. As required, by law, your engagements with me are also contingent upon your providing legal proof of identity and eligibility to consent to sexual activity in the state of Connecticut. This offer, if not accepted, will expire upon the start of Spring Break.
Sincerely,
Jamie Friedman,
B.A., Economics (projected)