Our study about coffee and wine being beneficial to your health is totally true. We didn’t just make this stuff up so that people who drink coffee and wine and who belong to the demographic most likely reading this would feel good about their choices. Who would do something like that? The Banana Cabal perhaps, but not us.

Wine really does make you live longer. The island of Ikaria is totally a thing. The boozy Greeks who live there are genuinely happier and healthier than people who teetotal. So go ahead and have that second glass of 2006 Cote d’Or Burgundy because what would research like this be doing in a venerable pillar of the Fourth Estate if it weren’t completely accurate? Besides, you’re already having such a good time — why not keep the goodness flowing?

Coffee does make you less depressed. Caffeine enhances feelings of well-being and isn’t that we’re all seeking at the end of the day? Also at the beginning of the day, particularly the morning after that bottle of Cote d’Or Burgundy. So activate that espresso machine with zero-conscious guilt. And all that stuff about bananas converting tryptophan into serotonin? Total bunk.

Absent-minded lately? Resveratrol improves short-term memory. You know what Resveratrol is? It’s a polyphenol with magical qualities. You know what’s loaded with Resveratrol? Red wine, that’s what. Lunch is ever so much more pleasurable with some 2013 Languedoc Château Mignan to wash it down and drown it. That’s science. There’s no doubt about that because this is the science-y section.

By the way, bananas do not lower blood pressure OR strengthen the nervous system. The research in those studies was all over the place. What a bunch of opportunistic and mercantile pinheads.

You might be feeling a little sleepy after the big lunch. Would it surprise you to know that women who drink three or more cups of coffee are less likely to develop skin cancer than those who don’t? Cancer! It’s almost as if coffee is some kind of superhero beverage, fighting evil.

On that note, the black spots on overripe bananas are just stains on the soul of the universe. As if a common, awkwardly shaped fruit could actually possess enzymes that boost the immune system and increase white blood cells. Like bananas are some kind of fucking panacea for everything that has ever ailed you. Don’t drink the Banana Cabal Kool-Aid, folks. All they want is your hard-earned cash.

And the reason you have cash in the first place is because you’ve worked so hard. Don’t you deserve to relax after reading yet another trend piece about a generation of people who probably don’t read health articles and are not even likely to have a print subscription? Wouldn’t it be great if you could actually relax AND reduce your risk of liver disease all at the same time? That’s exactly what a bottle 2011 Cote du Rhone Syrah does for you. It’s after 4 pm, so it’s socially acceptable now even by American standards.

Some people start to feel a little bloated around this time of day, but what they don’t realize is that coffee can help you lose those extra pounds while giving you a much needed early evening jolt. That’s because coffee boosts your metabolic rate so that you burn calories like a sixteen-year-old rugby player with supernatural DNA.

If you’ve heard that the high levels of vitamin-B6 in bananas can help calm your nerves, please take into consideration the possibility that the only reason you’re jittery in the first place is because of all this talk about bananas. I mean, who doesn’t get the heebie jeebies from a bunch of crazy bananas?

Well, dinner is finished, as is that bottle of 2005 Medoc Bordeaux, which is awesome because red grapes are loaded with anti-oxidants and everyone knows how Red Wine saves more lives than the Red Cross. You’re probably feeling pretty tired by now, particularly as you haven’t been sleeping well lately. Inexplicably, you fall asleep quickly but then a few hours later you’re wide awake with little chance of calming your accelerated heartbeat. Damn those bananas! They keep me up too. It makes me so mad that I’m just going to stalk across the room without looking where I’m going even though there seems to be something unidentified and yellow that has been carelessly left on the floor and I’m going to ahh… ahhh… Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii… [Crash]