Juice fasts, raw foods cleansing, water-only detox—you’ve probably tried them all by now. Fads like these promise to leave you feeling rejuvenated, but their effectiveness is uncertain at best. That’s why more and more nutritionists swear by a proven, deceptively simple approach to wellness: a seven-day-long dietary cleanse in which you eat nothing but chili dogs.

Yes, you can flush your body of years’ worth of accumulated toxins, simply by consuming between eight and twelve chili dogs every day for a week. Through this uniquely formulated system, stronger immune protections, clearer skin, and quicker neural pathways can be within your reach, all thanks to the nourishing, invigorating, purifying power of several pounds of chili dogs—nature’s perfect food.

Your Schedule

The beauty of The Chili Dog Cleanse lies in its ease: Maintain a steady stream of chili-laden frankfurters into your digestive tract, and you’ll receive all of the saturated fats, nitrites, hot dog casings, and other vitamins and minerals needed to revitalize your system. As for the type of chili dogs you methodically shovel into your mouth, that’s entirely up to you. Charbroiled footlongs drowning in heaping scoops of roadhouse steak chili, red hots doused with homestyle, 7-Eleven Big Bites paired with Campbell’s Chunky; as long as you’re consuming approximately one chili dog every seventy-five minutes, you will see results.

By the third day of the cleanse, some individuals report feelings of nausea, heart tremors, and spatial disorientation. Don’t worry. That’s just your body adjusting to the unusually robust levels of sodium, salt, and other detox agents contained in the cleanse. You have to remember that your body has built up substantial levels of contaminants through years of improper dietary habits. Eating chili dogs will fix all of that.

And make sure to fortify your system with several chili dogs before going to bed. When undergoing the cleanse, you can expect to sleep anywhere from twelve to sixteen hours per day, not including post-dog naps; you don’t want to have to keep waking up in the middle of the night to microwave a few hot dogs and a can or two of Hormel. Don’t forget the sour cream!

The Science

The science behind the seven-day chili dog cleanse is irrefutable.

Safety

As with any radical dietary change, the question inevitably arises: “Is The Chili Dog Cleanse perfectly safe in 100 percent of cases?” The answer, of course, is yes. In fact, despite misleading FDA labels, you’ll find that The Chili Dog Cleanse perfectly conforms to the nutritional requirements of the typical 8,500 calories per day diet.

Nonetheless, it is worth noting that your system will likely feel a bit of a jolt as your body is purged of its accumulated impurities. And given that your week-long chili dog diet includes no vegetables or fruits whatsoever, feel free to cheat a little by supplementing your intake with jalapeños and Red Vines as needed.

It may be difficult, but remember that you are doing this for the benefit of your body and mind. And at an average cost of just $6 per day, there’s no excuse not to start your cleanse right now. So get moving, mix some cut-up bratwurst into the chili, and remember: A healthier, happier life is only dozens and dozens of chili dogs away!