You’re receiving this text message because you recently ordered a EGG WHITES AND AVOCADO WRAP at our midtown location. We emailed a survey. We also dispatched the customer feedback drone. It’s tracking you overhead via GPS. Click the drone icon and we’ll airdrop a copy of the survey.
It’s been six minutes. You’re probably enjoying your EGG WHITES AND AVOCADO WRAP. At the bottom of the survey you haven’t opened, you can opt out of allowing us to share a complimentary video we recorded of you placing your order. We took the initiative and filmed your entire transaction. We invited you to opt out three times. We now legally own the rights to the video, which we’ve posted to your Facebook page, Twitter feed, Instagram, Yelp, Seamless, and Zagat.
Hey there – according to what’s trending on your social media brand, you like eggs! You’re receiving this message to alert you to our farm co-op where we source the eggs featured in your EGG WHITES AND AVOCADO WRAP that you purchased nine minutes ago. Our chickens are not just raised organically and ethically, they also are tickled awake each morning. We don’t use motorized ticklers like other industrial co-ops. We hand-tickle the chickens using our own hands, and the hands of our children. We drive the chickens to other farms to show them how most chickens are treated. When the chickens get back to the co-op, they don’t complain about laying eggs. They do it because they’re grateful. Speaking of gratitude, how was your EGG WHITES AND AVOCADO WRAP? Fill out the survey.
We see you’ve attempted to unsubscribe. You did it wrong. We’ll text a link, email a CAPTCHA code and tweet a Vine where a masked intern will mime a password. Click the link. Paste the CAPTCHA code and password into the respective boxes. Hit send. That will generate another link. Click it. Hold the phone to your face and scan your retina. The other retina. The survey will open. Complete it. An unsubscribe emoticon of a goat (egoaticon™) will appear. Swipe it. You will have successfully unsubscribed.
That’s us, hacking into your phone’s wireless emergency alert. We wanted to apprise you of another service we offer, which is Reese, who is following you. Reese cooked your EGG WHITES AND AVOCADO WRAP 17 minutes ago. He’s the older gentleman carrying a clipboard with a copy of the survey. We sent him as we know you’re too busy to fill out a three-minute questionnaire that will improve our business, thus allowing us to feed our families and make employment decisions. Like with Reese, who based on your responses, may not be needed for the lunch shift. The choice is yours.
Us again. It’s been 26 minutes since you ordered. According to footage the drone recorded, you yelled at Reese and ran away. Does that make you feel good about yourself — outrunning an old man? Clearly you have no intention of performing the one selfless act of human kindness that will be asked of you all day in filling out our survey. Do you know how difficult it is to separate the yokes from the whites during a breakfast rush? Why can’t you just eat a yoke? Or a piece of bacon? Don’t get us started on the bourgeoisie wrap, a grown man with a gluten phobia, petrified of rolls. We had a good laugh at your weenie video.
Speaking of which, there’s a moment in the video, after you placed your order and before you became habitually consumed with your smartphone, when a young woman, tattooed, clearly hung-over, stepped to the fore of the line and ordered a – DOUBLE SAUSAGE, EGG, CHEESE, AND JALAPENO ON A ROLL, EXTRA BUTTER. Just prior to you ironically crimping your forehead at other diners, mocking her dietary idiocy, there was an impetuous glean in your eye, pure and feral, a faraway wonderment at some creature in your youth you sought to inhabit, before you became intoxicated with possessions and digital bacchanalia. It was that demographic we were appealing to with our survey quest, which is linked at the bottom of this missive.
Go ahead, tell us how we did.