Attention Students, Faculty & Staff:

The Copy Center will be closed for the immediate future due to water damage from last week’s incident. In the meantime, a temporary Copy Center has been setup in Friley Hall, in the space previously occupied by the student radio station. And frankly, we thought that would be the end of it.

We figured with digital music and the "Cloud,” how much stuff could there be in a student radio station? A tremendous amount, it turns out. The archives include an enormous collection of vinyl LPs and several unmarked boxes of what we can only assume is drug paraphernalia. It became clear a larger temporary space was needed.

Therefore, 87.9 KMFP is now broadcasting from the Malaysian Student Lounge. I know what you’re thinking. “That doesn’t affect me. I’m not Malaysian.” That’s what we thought, too.

Then we found out the Malaysian Student Lounge is funded through a complex series of grants. Closing it would trigger a mandatory 20% across the board budget cut (athletics exempted). Therefore, finding a new home for the half-dozen Malaysian students who frequent the lounge became a top administrative priority.

We are pleased to announce that the entire contents of the Malaysian Student Lounge (including the karaoke machine) are now housed in the Wellness Center Annex.

However, once word of the move got out, several people expressed concern the Malaysian student group had been given preferential treatment. This University takes any such allegations very seriously. As such, a 19-member committee was formed, reporting directly to the President, to ensure equitable division of university resources and facilities amongst ethnic student associations. A public forum was also held, which was not well attended.

It’s worth noting here that all of this all could have been avoided were the Copy Center moved into the empty space in the Landscape Architecture building. But let this serve as a warning: Do not fuck with the Landscape Architecture Department.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah—a study commissioned by the President’s Committee on Student Group Facility Equity (PCSGFE) identified several problem areas. Some tribal groups were asked to share a space despite long-standing blood feuds, the New Zealand Student Union somehow had a Pepsi machine in violation of the University’s exclusive contract with Coca-Cola, and the Belgian Student Alliance was actually just a front for a prostitution ring.

The report also identified several violations of University policy, OSHA regulations and international human rights law.

At this point, a few of us threw out the idea that we all just do without the Copy Center for a few weeks. The place is empty half the time anyway, and if somebody really needed some copies, would it kill them to walk to Kinko’s? And what about all that talk about “going paperless” a couple years back? The proposal was considered, but ultimately failed to make it out of the appropriate sub-committee.

So that put us back with this PCSGFE Report. Addressing those recommendations touched off another round of decisive actions, followed by quick concessions and petty in-fighting. At this point, it would probably be easier just to list the changes.

As of the start of this semester:

  • English is no longer a Major
  • The Field Hockey Season has been cancelled
  • The school’s mascot is now “The Violet Hurricanes”
  • Jefferson Hall is now The Bank of America Fun Zone!
  • The Botany Department now recognizes the Armenian Genocide
  • All Twitter hashtags must be approved
  • “African American” is no longer to be hyphenated
  • Tuesday is now Taco Night

In closing, a few more small odds and ends: Parking Lot C is now Parking Lot D and all collective bargaining rights have been rescinded.

We wish you all a pleasant start to the semester!