In Which King Gylfi of Sweden
Learns about Odin’s Successful
Suicide Attempt and the
Dental Hygiene of Thor’s Goats
Holy fuckin’ shit, that took fah fuckin’ fahevah, I’m sahhry ‘bout that. Line out the men’s room’s all the way tah fuckin’ Rhode Island. I felt like I was standin’ there fah a whole fuckin’ month befohr it was even my tuhrn tah take a fuckin’ piss. I was stahtin’ tah wahhry my whole fuckin’ bladdah was just gonnah buhrst right then n’ there in front’ah evuhryone n’ then I’s gonnah have tah be rushed outtah here on some sohrtah fuckin’ medical stretchah like a fuckin’ retahd n’ miss the whole fuckin’ game passed out in some fuckin’ ER room. Eithah that ah I was gonnah have tah go outside n’ piss in public in front’ah that cop cah that’s sittin’ pahked right ovah there outside. I mean, I may not be a genius but I ain’t that fuckin’ stupid eithah, yah know.
N’ why the fuck ahr there so many people here this eahrly anyway? Yah got any ideer? Fuckin’ game’s not even fuckin’ stahted yet.
Oh, yeah yeah, that’s right. I was gonnah tell yah all ‘bout Odin n’ his boy Thor wasn’t I. That’s right.
Yeah, so the deal with Odin is, he’s pretty much the most powahful’ah the gods n’ since he’s basic’ly created the whole fuckin’ wohrld n’ evuhrything in it like I was tellin’ yah ‘bout, it’s got tah where sometimes people just call him the all-fathah, which I guess is sohrt’ah cool but fact’ah the mattah is, he’s still kindah a fuckin’ creep too, yah know. I mean fah all he’s accomplished, this guy’s still just a fuckin’ dihrty old man n’ there’s all these stahries ‘bout him wandah’in’ ‘round Middle-Earth n’ havin’ sex with young ladies n’ then goin’ n’ fuckin’ stealin’ their topshelf liqu’ah from ‘em n’ then transforhmin’ himself intah a giant fuckin’ eagle n’ flyin’ away like a fuckin’ prick, n’ so it’s not like he’s the kindah guy yah’d evah want fah a fathah-in-law even if he is the fuckin’ all-fathah.
But he’s done some pretty impressive shit too so don’t take it like I’m completely fuckin’ knockin’ the guy. I mean there was this one time when he impaled himself with his own fuckin’ speahr n’ then he hung himself on a tree as a sacrifice tah his own damn self fah nine fuckin’ days straight just so he could learhn how tah use the runes, which is pretty fuckin’ intense if yah ask me n’ I don’t think even Mickey Wahd couldah suhvived a fuckin’ beatin’ like that.
But anyway though, so Odin, he’s married tah Frigg which just sounds kindah fuckin’ funny, yah know. Frigg, ha, yah know, ah, whatevah.
But Odin, he alsah looks aftah all the dead guys who die in battle. So, yah know, yah drop dead on the battle field one day, axe blow tah the fuckin’ head ah whatevah, n’ next thing yah know yah got this drop-dead gohrgeous valkyrie pickin’ yah dead ass up off the ground n’ flyin’ yah out tah Valhalla where Odin prahceeds tah get yah fuckin’ shitfaced. Kindah like his way’ah sayin’ congratulations fah gettin’ yahself killed in a fight. So now yah fuckin’ dead n’ yah fuckin’ shitfaced n’ yah don’t got a fuckin’ clue as tah what the fuck’s goin’ on n’ next thing yah know yah black out n’ when yah wake up the next mohrnin’ yah realize yah at Odin’s house which pretty much just looks like some mansion out on some side-road in Wellesley.
N’ best paht is, no fuckin’ hangovah. I sweahr tah god, no fuckin’ hangovah.
It’s like fuckin’ magic.
But anyway, so yah get up n’ yah n’ all yah new dead buddies all go outside n’ yah praceed tah beat the livin’ shit outtah each othah with a bunchah medieval weapons just fah fun ‘cause that’s what yah do when yah spendin’ yah aftahlife with Odin. N’ yah know, some’ah yah die ‘gain, howevah that fuckin’ wohrks, but then at the end’ah the day any’ah yah who got killed a second time just get back up n’ yah all go back inside n’ have a fuckin’ wondahful feast’ah wild boar n’ mohr mead ‘en yah can possibly imagine ‘cause it’s flowin’ outtah the teats’ah some sohrt’ah magical goat that’s lactatin’ on fuckin’ ovahdrive n’s got a nevah-endin’ supply’ah the stuff. N’ so that’s what yah do evuhry fuckin’ day till the end’ah fuckin’ time when evuhrthing goes up in flames, which, if yah like fightin’ n’ drinkin’, then yah could do a hell of a lot fuckin’ wohrse if yah ask me. But the trick is yah gottah fuckin’ die fightin’, yah can’t just die’ah old age in yah bed ah by gettin’ drunk n’ jumpin’ in front of a movin’ red line train ah somethin’. Yah die that way n’ yah go straight tah fuckin’ Hel instead, which fuckin’ sucks.
Now, I gottah confess, I’m deviatin’ a bit here in this stahry. Like right now, fuckin’ O’Malley, he’s still drillin’ those poohr fuckin’ bahtendahs ‘bout Odin n’ Thor, but he’s savin’ all his dumbass questions ‘bout Valhalla n’ the valkyries n’ all that shit fah latah, but it’s ‘cause, yah know, his sense’ah lituh’ary flow’s fuckin’ primitive n’ I still don’t know why those bahtendahs haven’t tossed his ass out on the street yet by now but if yah don’t like the way I’m doin’ it then yah can just go get in line fah the men’s room n’ go on in there n’ fuckin’ fuck yahself.
Sehriously. I don’t wannah get in line ‘gain but I will just tah stand watch fah yah so no one bothahs yah precious fuckin’ privacy while yah at it.
Okay.
Fuckin’ O’Malley, man. Christ, what a fuckin’ douchebag.
But as fah Odin, he alsah had sex with the fuckin’ eahrth, n’ I don’t got a clue as tah how the fuckin’ logistics’ah that fuckin’ wohrks ah if this was even befohr ah aftah he mahrried Frigg n’ it really don’t even mattah anyway, ‘cause the point is the eahrth got knocked up n’ had Thor like fuckin’ 9 months latah. Now Thor, he’s a real good guy. Yah know, he’s just a guy evuhrybody likes, n’ he’s a real fuckin’ bruisah too. Yah know, like if the gods evah played hockey then he’d be their Eddie Shore, yah know, fuckin’ old-time hockey.
Now Thor, he’s got this huge fuckin’ beahrd like he don’t realize the playoffs evah fuckin’ ended. N’ it’s real bright red too which makes me think he might have some Irish in him but I’m not real sure on that one. Those comics n’ movies though, they got it all wrong. Thor’s no fuckin’ blond. Fuckin’ Mahvel should’ah done their homewohrk n’ got their stahry straight but I guess that’s fuckin’ Hollywood fah yah. No big suhprise there.
Mohr impohrtantly though, Thor’s alsah got these two goats n’ these goats ahr fuckin’ badass. One’ah ‘em’s named Tooth Gnashah n’ the othah’s named Snahrl Tooth n’ I don’t know what the fuckin’ deal is with these old-time viking guys gettin’ all caught up with the dental hygiene’ah couple’ah fuckin’ goats but these goats, they go ‘round pullin’ Thor’s fuckin’ chahriot through the fuckin’ sky fah him. Now bein’ the sohrt’ah enfohrcah that he is, most’ah the time Thor goes anywhere in his chahriot, it’s usually just tah skate ovah tah the giants’ bench n’ staht a fuckin’ fight with those guys since they’re all just a bunch’ah fuckin’ pricks who don’t even evah play clean. N’ tah help him out in all these brawls he gets intah, Thor’s alsah got this magical hammah that yah pry seen seen in those fuckin’ movies that he uses tah high-stick n’ slash the fuck outtah the giants which I gottah admit is sohrt’ah a cheap shot on his paht but then I figyah if yah’re a hot-tempah’d Nahse god n’ the othah team’s a bunch goddamned asshole giants then yah prolly don’t even give a shit ‘bout that sohrt’ah thing.
N’ whenevah Thor gets his ass intah a fight, which is basic’ly all the fuckin’ time, he nevah even throws down his gloves like most guys ‘cause they’re made outtah some sohrtah special dwahrf ihron n’ they help him tah pound the livin’ shit outtah the giants n’ so what usually happens is that he just fuckin’ kills everyone in sight n’ then he has tah go n’ sit out a ten minute majah back in the lockah room with Lucic.