Things erupted on Sunday when Mary Cheney, a lesbian, and her wife were at home watching Fox News Sunday—their usual weekend ritual. Liz Cheney appeared on the show and said that she opposed same-sex marriage, describing it as “just an area where we disagree,” referring to her sister.
—Jonathan Martin, the New York Times (Nov. 18, 2013)
Look, I don’t know whether someone’s born a Liz Cheney or, due to psychological trauma, turns into a Liz Cheney. But it doesn’t matter, because the simple fact is that letting Liz Cheneys marry is destructive to the very fabric of this country.
The Bible clearly defines marriage as between one man and one woman, not one Liz Cheney and anyone else. Corinthians 7:12 states, “And he who shall defy the Lord and have congress with a Liz Cheney shall be banished to a remote, barren, joyless land with a governmental influence disproportionate to its meager population and an unjustly high outlay-to-tax ratio.”
Just think about the mechanics of this for a minute. It’s unnatural. How would it even work? If we were meant to marry Liz Cheneys, our bodies would look different.
I don’t see any species in the animal kingdom marrying a Liz Cheney. Yes, once in a while you hear about an octopus trying it out, but those are obviously deviant octopi. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the crackpot scientists reporting these cases were themselves perversely attracted to Liz Cheneys.
Liz Cheney marriage isn’t fair to the offspring, either. Studies have shown that a child raised by a Liz Cheney is at greater risk of developing paranoid xenophobia, acute nepotism, and poor shotgun-aiming skills.
Hey, I’m fairly tolerant on this issue: Liz Cheneys should be permitted to do what they want in the privacy of their own homes, despite the fact that the mere thought of it personally repulses me. They can go to their own Liz Cheney bars and nightclubs, with their salaciously punning names like “Majority Whips and Cheneys” and “Just Liz Bein’ Liz.” I can even avert my eyes when they strut through downtown Cheyenne in their Liz Cheney Pride parades, gaudily loosening gun-control laws and flamboyantly espousing an obstructionist platform in their beige pantsuits and sensible pumps.
But it’s my business once you make your Liz Cheney relationship public. It’s my business when you recruit my kids to join the debauched Liz Cheney lifestyle. And it’s my business when you prance around with your nontraditional Liz Cheney family and send the message to the rest of the world that you’re normal Americans—since no family with a Liz Cheney in it can be defined as “normal.” The next time terrorists attack us for our lax morals, I hope you think about all the innocent, non-Liz-Cheney-marrying bystanders caught in the crossfire of your depravity.
Because, if we allow Liz Cheneys to marry, what’s next on the slippery slope? Should we also clear the matrimonial path for, say, Rush Limbaughs?
You may think that’s an absurd example that no one of sound mind would pursue, but it’s happened—four times. Talk about the decline of an institution.