1. Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

2. In mother Russia, we have food. But you won’t find it.

3. In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.

4. In Russia, if a male athlete loses he becomes a female athlete.

5. In space, no one can hear you scream. In Russia, you are gagged when you scream.

6. In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

7. I just got off this flight to Russia, and boy are my arms bleeding.

8. In America you have expensive education. In Russia have none.

9. Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

10. In Russia, Yeltsin is our Bush.

Yakov Smirnoff: 1, 3, 5, 6, 9
Offensive to Russians: 2, 4, 7, 8, 10