Art by Matt Smith
So fuckin’ like, in those dahk medieval times, the Vikings were goin’ bonkahs all ovah the fuckin’ place n’ both men n’ women thought it was wicked awesome tah wield weapons. N’ I guess that isn’t exactly too fuckin’ new; it’s just that we had a multi-centuhry chunk’ah time between then n’ now in which it was really fuckin’ frowned upon in the womens’ case. But it’s impohrtant tah remembah that we’re talkin’ ’bout spee’ahs, swohrds, n’ axes—shit like that. Not semi-automatics ah explosive fuckin’ ohrdinances. The Vikings nevah cahred fahr that shit n’ they still don’t, even if the eastuhrn trade routes kindah fuckin’ backfi’ahd on ’em n’ now Stockholm’s got violence tah rival that’ah Chicago ah LA.
But that’s besides the point as the point is that the Vikings, they just fuckin’ loved their valkyries n’ their shield-maidens! N’ the valkyries ahr a real misundahstood group’ah ladies. On the one hand, they’re these real gohrgeous women ridin’ ’round in the sky on hohrseback, screamin’ like a bunch’ah fuckin’ banshees. But on the othah hand, they’re real grim, sittin’ at some traditional fuckin’ sewin’ machine inside a shitty brick building ’longside the Merrimack somewhere, weavin’ out mythological gahments n’ shit, only their threads ahr made outtah men’s body pahts instead’ah nahmal cloth fabric ah whatevah. We know this thanks tah Njal’s Saga since he was a guy that got burnt tah death n’ people in medieval Iceland thought it was a really good stahry wohrth remembah’rin’ so someone went n’ made an epic novel outtah it.
But pehrsonally, I would not want to weahr any clothes made by a valkyrie.
No—like, sehriously, I don’t care whethah r’I’m out in public ah at home where no one can even see me. I’m not puttin’ on clothes made by a fuckin’ valkyrie. I just don’t like the idea’ah weahr’in’ a T-shirt ah jeans—ah God fahbid—even fuckin’ undahweahr made outtah someone else’s intestines. It’d be even wohrse ’en weahrin’ a fuckin’ Yankees shihrt, yah know?
I assume the valkyries must’ah figyah’d out some sohrtah way’ah tah keep their fabric from rottin’ ah fallin’ apaht in the washin’ machine but that’s beyond me. The machine-wash durability’ah clothes made outtah entrails created by valkyries just isn’t somethin’ I know whole lot ’bout.
But shield-maidens, though, they’re fuckin’ awesome! Alsah, like valkyries, they’re fuckin’ gohrgeous, ah so the dead nineteenth-century ahtists would have us think n’ same thing with twenty-first-centuhry TV producahs, actually—sex sells, yah know? But thing is, all these vehrsions’ah shield-maidens were based on legends rathah r‘en actual fuckin’ histahry. I mean, Lagertha was wicked cool in that trashy History Channel soap opera show, but she prahbably wasn’t real. Same thing with her fuckin’ ex-husband Ragnar Wooly-Pants.
N’ Hervor, she was cool too. She was the shield-maiden who woke up her dead dad n’ pestah’d him fahr his magic sword n’ killed all sohrts’ah people in battles n’ raids n’ shit in the The Saga of Hervor and Heidrek. Alsah, not a real pehrson. Makes fahr wicked good entahtainment, though, especially fahr medieval monks who weren’t even allowed tah talk tah women in real life ah whatevah.
But the female bones found in wahrriah graves in recent yee’ahs in Scandinavia ahr real ’nough. The one in Birka is extra famous nowadays but then there’s alsah the one in Åsnes n’ some othahs too. So these ahr Viking Age women buhried with weapons, some’ah which even had injuhries that could’ah been from battle. Scholahly consensus tends tah agree wahrriah women were real in some way, but pretty fuckin’ few n’ fahr between all n’ all, n’ no one really knows how it all wohrked anyhow. Like, did these women hide their womanhood n’ pretend tah be men? Were they regahded as non-binahry by their battle-buddies? How much was bein’ buried with weapons a reflection’ah status versus a reflection’ah the deceased’s actual livelihood?
But the notion took off like fuckin’ wildfi’ah ’cross all fohms’ah media, with tons’ah people leanin’ so hahd intah it that they took it as gospel n’ extrapolated it tah new heights, disregahdin’ all aspects’ah nuance n’ all the unknown factahs. N’ some people just resisted the new knowledge entih’aly since Homo sapiens contains some supah strong traces’ah neanderthal DNA. All in all, it just showed how desperate some people were fahr woman wahrriahs tah be evuhrywhere n’ alsah how some people were so desperate fah r‘em tah be nowhere. We’re all products’ah our own stupid era, n’ I guess no one’s really totally immune from wishful thinkin’.
I know I’m not since right now I really wish fah r’anothah pint’ah Kilkenny Irish Red.