Ten Excerpts
From a Magazine
Found at a Philly
Gentlemen's Club,
Reformatted as
Love Poems.
- - - -
UNVEILED Philadelphia is a monthly roundup of strip clubs in the Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware area. The following are excerpts from the publisher Andrew Seawell's review of Classic Night XII at Tattle Tales Too, with line breaks inserted and strippers' names changed to "you."
ODE TO MIKA
Hawaiian princess,
You have tight,
Shapely buns.
Your buns are so tasty they deserve
To be served
With whip cream
And a cherry.
Far more delectable than ice cream,
Your buns are very much
A treat.
ODE TO DESTINY K
A lot of girls with
Large natural breasts
Struggle
With their weight.
This also means that they rarely have great
Buns.
You, however, are one of those
Rare exceptions,
Which is one of the reasons
I value you so.
ODE TO SUMMER
You like to change your hair a lot
So that you can
Confuse me.
However,
There's no mistaking
Your buns
Or
Your smile.
You have the sort of ultra-broad smile that reaches
Somewhat impossibly
All the way across your face—
Perhaps farther.
Your smile is also bright enough to light up a room—
Which ought to save
A fortune
On electric bills.
ODE TO MISS BUNNY
Areolas are the dark circles
That surround the nipples.
You have had your areolas remodeled to form
Heart shapes.
What could be more romantic?
ODE TO BECKY
You are a busty reddish-brunette
With large sympathetic eyes
And large natural breasts.
I've long liked you,
Yet I'm amazed
By how much weight you've
Lost
And how much better you look.
Yet your breasts remain
As large.
You were the Costuming Queen
Of Classic Night XII.
During the course of the evening,
You were
A nurse,
A schoolgirl,
A cheerleader,
And a Star Trek officer.
For your nurse,
I played Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine."
For your schoolgirl,
It was "Cry Little Sister"
From the Lost Boys soundtrack.
For your cheerleader,
I tried Toni Basil's "Mickey"
And Gary Glitter's "History of Rock & Roll, Part I."
The hardest trick
Was matching the right music to your Star Trek uniform.
I played "99 Luftballons,"
Whose lyrics dream
Of flying off with
Captain Kirk.
ODE TO SAPPHIRE
I always associate you with horses,
Given your bareback-riding
Centerfold.
And now that your home club
Is the Carousel
It further emphasizes your
Connection to horses
I tortured you with horse songs.
ODE TO SNOW
The frostiest thing about you,
Besides your name,
Would be how light-blond
Your hair is
And how fair your skin is.
Trim and tall,
Long and lean,
You have been an excellent addition
To my Dream Team.
Your long,
Shapely
Legs
Are among the area's sexiest.
They also end quite delightfully
In pronounced, shapely
Buns.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Ten Excerpts From a Magazine Found at a Philly Gentlemen's Club, Reformatted as Love Poems By Daniel Maurer
John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences, Volume III By John Moe
The Screen Test By Katherine Grosjean
Query By Tom Lombardi
My Son's Appearance on Fresh Air By Will Layman
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