THINGS
HAGRID THE HALF-GIANT WOULD SAY IF HE SERVED JESUS INSTEAD OF
HARRY POTTER.
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"Blimey, jeez, it's be gettin' ter lunchtime, an' I could eat meself the back end of a Phil'stine. How 'bout doublin' up a quick pile o' loaves?"
"Budge up, yeh money-changin' lumps! This 'ere boy weren't meant ter be a blinkin' Muggle! Fer gawd sake, he's King o' the Jews!"
"Codswallop! All 'm sayin'‚ boy, is tha' yeh gots ta be eyeballin' tha' Judas bloke. When a disciple goes o'er to the dark side, they's nothin' tha' matters to 'em anymore!"
"Speakin' of cups runnethin' over, laddie, mine's be gettin' a mite dry. How 'bout changin' this 'ere water into somethin' a bit more, well, frisky?"
"Lilies o' the field? What lilies? The way yeh jabber on, yeh all mus' be pullin' straight A's in Professor Dumbledore's Exposit'ry Metaphors and Parables class!"
"Why, if a fellow wanted ta get away clean, Peter-me-lad, all they'd have ter do would be ta deny they ever even knowed Jesus. Uh-oh. I shouldn't eh told yeh that."
"Ah, go boil yer spleen, Pilate! Yeh stink-handed prune! Yeh've done me savior wrong, an' now yeh've gots ter pay!"
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Things Hagrid the Half-Giant Would Say If He Served Jesus Instead of Harry Potter By Hart Seely
A Letter From "The Power" to Public Enemy By John Moe
Rejected Submissions for Starbucks' "The Way I See It" By Tim Williams
I Wish I Could Say This Is the First Time I've Been Handcuffed to a Radiator By John Howell Harris
Urgent Proposal By Teddy Wayne
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