LADY MACBETH ON AMBIEN. BY LAURENCE HUGHES - - - - Dunsinane. Anteroom in the castle. Enter a DOCTOR OF PHYSIC and a WAITING GENTLEWOMAN. GENTLEWOMAN: Two nights have I seen her rise from her bed, throw her nightgown upon her, and proceed in slumbery agitation to the kitchen, where she did claw through the pantry in the slobbering manner of a wild beast. DOCTOR: 'Tis passing strange, for I did minister to her with Ambien, that some call zolpidem tartrate, which vouchsafes eight hours of uninterrupted sleep—great nature's second course, chief nourisher in life's feast. GENTLEWOMAN: She seeks other nourishment; two nights past she ate an ox. Lo you, here she comes! (Enter Lady Macbeth wearing a lobster bib.) This is her very guise, and, upon my life, fast asleep. DOCTOR: What is it she does now? See how she rubs her hands, in the manner of one washing. GENTLEWOMAN: 'Tis her custom to wash before a meal. DOCTOR: Still she rubs her hands, and smacks her lips also, as one who anticipates a prolonged graze at a smorgasbord. GENTLEWOMAN: Zounds! With what unnatural fury does she fly at the larder! Her hands like talons do tear at the contents! See how victuals fly in all directions! DOCTOR: With both hands she scoops up comestibles of every variety and with gusto shoves them in her cakehole! LADY MACBETH: Num-num ... num-num ... DOCTOR: Hark! She speaks. And with her mouth full too. GENTLEWOMAN: She doth ingest in a manner gross and vile. Thus have I known swine to feed. DOCTOR: In sooth, her behavior is very like the swine, for mark you, she is down on all fours and squealing. What! She means to challenge the family dog for possession of the bones that are the detritus of the evening repast. LADY MACBETH: Out, damned Spot! Out, I say! DOCTOR: Indeed, note how, with teeth bared, she bids the dog retire. GENTLEWOMAN: With what vigor does she suck the marrow! Ne'er have I seen this good and noble lady tie on the feedbag so. DOCTOR: Now does she rummage in King Duncan's private stores, and without hesitation scarf his favorite delicacy! LADY MACBETH: Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood pudding? (She burps.) DOCTOR: What a belch is there! The heart is sorely burned. GENTLEWOMAN: Methinks the lady doth ingest too much. Now are the cupboards bare, and all the food consumed; yet see how she still comes looking for seconds. She hath a lean and hungry look. DOCTOR: Well, hungry anyway. LADY MACBETH: Mickey D's! (Exit.) GENTLEWOMAN: Haste! She makes for the castle of McDonald, the thane whose kitchen is celebrated for its tasty offerings and swift service. DOCTOR: He whose crest bears the golden arches? But surely the household will be abed at such an hour. GENTLEWOMAN: The drive-thru is open 'til midnight. Come! Exeunt. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Lady Macbeth on Ambien By Laurence Hughes I'm a Little Unnerved by My eHarmony Profile By Jim Stallard Six Inspirational Sayings I've Yet to Find on the Side of a Box of Tea By Dan Kennedy When You Are the Fourth Consecutive Person to Ask for Money on the Subway, You Have to Bring It By Michael Patrick Signorelli Public Service Announcement Paid for by the People for Electing Criss Angel, Mindfreak, in 2008's Presidential Election By Matt Christoph

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL