Today, July 25, is your last day to start or renew - - - - |
GODZILLA'S JOURNAL.BY SEAN HEWLETT- - - - June 8—Confused today about my place in this world. Am I the protector of Tokyo or the destroyer? Sometimes I just don't know. I've smashed more than my share of buildings, but I've also vanquished a ton of other monsters. Therapist suggests these vanquishings have more to do with me staking my claim to my territory and with feelings of vulnerability when challenged than with playing the hero role. Must remember to stop putting off smashing of therapist's office building. Also, mixed reactions of Japanese add to confusion. Which is it—"Oh, no! Godzilla! Run!" or "Thank goodness, Godzilla will save us from Rodan"? June 9—It's my weekend to have Minilla. The divorce still hits me pretty hard, but these weekend visitations are always uplifting. Of course, I always get some crap from Helen on Mondays about my parenting methods. "I don't approve of you teaching him the fire-breath attack at such a young age, and I definitely don't approve of you stomping on his tail when he couldn't do it right away." Will she ever understand that Mothra isn't going to wait until a certain age to attack? That kid needs to be ready now. June 10—Total embarrassment today. Minilla chooses the middle of an epic battle against Gamora and his kid as the time to tell me he doesn't want to follow in my footsteps and take up monstering as a career. Says he wants to go to Tokyo U. to study interior design. Questioning son's sexuality. June 11—Stomped Tokyo U. after dropping off Minilla at Helen's. June 12—Spent all day patching up leak in underwater lair. According to the news, I missed Mechagodzilla calling me out. Gonna be hard to live this one down. Definitely doesn't help Japanese citizens' mixed feelings about me. Called and made dentist appointment d/t toothache, possible cavity. June 13—Had quiet time alone under the sea today. Spent time pondering my past clonings. Since they weren't really born, do Biollante and SpaceGodzilla have souls? Do they share part of the same soul or essence with me? In God's eyes, am I their father? How did my DNA get into space, anyway? And who's picking 500-foot monsters as test subjects for cloning? June 14—Dentist appointment reveals toothache not a cavity, just a fisherman's buoy stuck in gums. June 15—Am I fat? I don't feel fat, but I also can remember a day when I didn't have to bend over to see which building I just stepped on. Must look into Tae Bo tapes. Maybe the point diet thing, but doubtful Weight Watchers has a system that matches my dietary needs. June 16—Feelings of depression kicking in. On top of the weight gain, I noticed today that I bear a strong resemblance to Cookie Monster. Must do something to get out of this funk. June 17—Feeling much better today. Finally had that run-in with Mechagodzilla today and leveled half of Tokyo in the scuffle. I have to admit, a lot, probably most, of that damage could have been avoided. I tossed Mecha in a different direction every time so as to maximize damage, and took a couple of flops myself when he landed some hits. I still got it. June 18—On top of the world today. Headlines heralding me as huge hero, even after wasting their city. June 19—Depressed again. Felt I was on a roll, unstoppable, then lost a bundle to my bookie. Fuckin' Yankees. June 20—D/t depression, spent all day in underwater lair in front of the TV. Just learned of 1970s cartoon with my name and likeness involved. Where the hell are my royalty checks? I don't remember approving this. And who the hell is Godzooky? Is that supposed to be Minilla? I hope so, 'cause then we'll both sue Hanna-Barbera's asses. Have to admit, liked the theme song. Have a feeling I'll be mentally singing that every time I come up out of the water now. Called lawyer and got that ball rolling. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Godzilla's Journal By Sean HewlettSuperman Returns (a Defective DVD Player) By Tim Carvell More Sections of the New York Times That Help Terrorists By Kate Hahn Reviews of My Daydreams By T.G. Gibbon My New Street Taunts, Vol. I: The Things Which I Will Do to You, If You Cross Me By Amie Barrodale |
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