A SUBTEXTUAL READING OF YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL FRENCH TEXTBOOK. BY SARAH SMALLWOOD - - - - CHAPTER 1 Introductions Je suis Monsieur Troucher. Je suis le père de la famille. I am Mr. Troucher. I am the father. I am quite manly. Je suis Jean-Paul. Je suis le fils de la famille. I am Jean-Paul. I am also a man, therefore I come before my sister. Je suis Marie. Je suis la soeur de Jean-Paul. I am Jean-Paul's sister, Marie. I am being groomed to marry well. Je suis Madame Troucher. Je suis la mère de Jean-Paul. I am the wife. I have no first name. I am disappointed that I have a daughter instead of two sons. Je suis Tutu. Je suis le chien de la famille Troucher. I am Tutu the dog. I am a male dog for no foreseeable reason. Apparently, I can talk. CHAPTER 2 Where Do You Live? M. Troucher: Nous habitons à la capitale. Like all French people, we live in Paris. Mme. Troucher: Je l'aime Paris! La ville d'amour! I obviously wear my heart on my age-inappropriate cap sleeve. Marie: Le ville de la culture et les chefs de cuisine! Mom, does Dad ever hurt you? Smile if the answer's yes. Jean-Paul: Je l'aime le Tour Eiffel! C'est magnifique! Why can we see the Eiffel Tower from, like, every window? Tutu: J'aime les touristes'je mange leur croissants! I'm a poodle? I don't feel like a poodle. I bet I'm really a German Shepherd. CHAPTER 3 At the Supermarket M. Troucher: Je vais faire des courses maintenant. I alone will buy the groceries. Stay here in the small car with the windows up. Marie: J'espère qu'il achète des chocolates. He's gone. We could run away. Mme. Troucher: Je voudrais des fleurs pour le jardin. He would find us, Marie. He always does. Jean-Paul: J'espère qu'il m'achète un nouveau ballon de football! Hey! The only things in this bag are wine and a baguette! I'm hungry! Tutu: Je voudrais du rosbif, s'il vous plaît. Why the hell did you need to bring me shopping? CHAPTER 4 Going Out M. Troucher: Ce restaurant, c'est tres couteux! I don't like spending money. Is it still legal for me to hit you? Mme. Troucher: Oui, c'est tres couteux! I share your opinion so completely, I do not even need to reword it. Also, I wonder what an orgasm feels like. Jean-Paul: Marie, voulez-vous du brioche et fromage? Mom and Dad are lame. Wanna smoke a bowl in the bathroom? Marie: Mais oui! Fuck yes. Tutu: N'oubliez-pas le rosbif pour le chien! Guess I'll just stay tied to this pole while you eat, then. CHAPTER 5 What's Happening Tomorrow? M. Troucher: Je pense faire laver ma voiture demain. I plan to wash the car. Apparently, I'll need all three of these verbs. Jean-Paul: Je vais aux grands magasins avec mon ami François. François and I are going to sell handbags out of the back of the neighbor's van for cash, which we'll spend on X. Afterward, while stoned, we'll hold each other and cry, which will lead to some awkward, life-changing sexual experimentation. Marie: Je prépare une tarte des pommes. Mom, I got pregnant just so you would look at me. Mom? Mme. Troucher: Je vais au cinema. Do you need a ride, Jean-Paul? Tutu: Je pense faire une petite sieste. If I'm not in the next chapter, it's because I died of starvation. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - A Subtextual Reading of Your High-School French Textbook By Sarah Smallwood We're Huge in Europe By Teddy Wayne An Intraoffice Flier Announcing That the Company Is Having a Jellybean-Counting Contest for Its Employees By John Frank Weaver The Dragon-Free Butterscotch FAQ By Jeremy Richards Midterm Exam on Kelly, the Woman With Whom My Husband Had an Affair By Susan Schorn

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