TRAILER FOR
THE BEER-OES
SEASON 1 DVD
RELEASE.
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("Meant to Live" by Switchfoot plays.)
MILLER HIGH LIFE: (On rooftop.) You ever get the feeling you could just ... I don't know ... do something incredible?
(Cut to a burning barn.)
CITIZEN 1: That barn is going to collapse!
STOUT: I'm on it! (STOUT runs in and, using his powers of stoutness, holds up a wall.)
CITIZEN 2: Look at that guy, he's so stocky! He must be really dense to be that strong for his size.
CITIZEN 3: He's not stocky ... (Cut music. Blackout.) He's stout.
(Cut to beer bottles around a table set for Thanksgiving dinner. "Cult of Personality" by Living Colour plays.)
ELDER BOTTLE 1: So, Bobby, do anything special today?
HEFEWEIZEN: No, not really.
YOUNGER BOTTLE 1: Bobby stopped a stampede. He said he could control all the cows because he's a heiferweizen.
HEFEWEIZEN: I think Susie needs to take her Ritalin. (Whole table laughs. We see HEFEWEIZEN shoot YOUNGER BOTTLE 1 a knowing wink. Cut back to rooftop from opening shot.)
MILLER HIGH LIFE: I can fly! Yeah! YEAH! IT'S MY TURN TO BE SOMEONE NOW, GARY!
(Cut to a train station.)
SECRET SERVICE AGENT 1: We'll never get the president to the doctor in time! Someone's gotta carry all the bags with important government secrets in them!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT 2: But who could carry all that? We'd need a dozen men!
PORTER: (Walks out of the shadows, spits out toothpick.) I'm your man.
SECRET SERVICE AGENT 1: And what are you supposed to be?
PORTER: I'm a porter.
(Cut to a room full of beer bottles.)
MILLER HIGH LIFE: Look, I think it's time we all recognized that we have ... gifts.
PILSNER: What are you talking about?
LAGER: He's right. My whole life I've known I've been ... just incredibly tasty. And Thirty-Pack, he can do a really great Christopher Walken impression.
THIRTY-PACK: (In Christopher Walken voice.) I'm Christopher Walken. (Everyone laughs.)
FORTY: Frank, you're one to talk.
PILSNER: Shut up, Abe.
FORTY: Frank can locate any other pilsner in the world, using only his label.
PILSNER: I said shut up, Abe!
HEFEWEIZEN: Please! There's no reason to fight each other. We've all got to realize something.
THIRTY-PACK: (In Christopher Walken voice.) We've all got to realize that Lager is seriously just incredibly super extra tasty, in ways that make my head explode with confetti bubbles. Crazy.
LAGER: That's really good.
PILSNER: I don't care what any of you freaks say! I'm not banding together with a bunch of degenerates. Come on, Doppelbock, we're off to form our own agenda.
DOPPELBOCK: (Makes grunting noise.)
FORTY: It doesn't have to be like this, Frank. We can work together, not against each other.
PILSNER: The day I work alongside of you, you macrobrew fuck, will be the day I get recycled for 5 cents in most states, 7 in the weird ones.
PORTER: Let 'em go. They've got their own choices to live with.
STOUT: Why don't I just bruise 'em up real good?
THIRTY-PACK: (In Christopher Walken voice.) Yeah, break their knees, those rat bastards.
LAGER: OK, now it's getting old.
THIRTY-PACK: Sorry.
MILLER HIGH LIFE: Gentlemen, we've all been gathered here for a reason. It's high time we realized that we're not just ordinary beers. We are, all of us ...
(Cut music, fade to black. Cut to title screen with name of show emblazoned with lots of blue fire.)
beer-oes.
VOICE-OVER: Season 1 available Friday. Women who are pregnant should not watch Beer-oes. Beer-oes may impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Please watch responsibly.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Trailer for the Beer-oes Season 1 DVD Release By Michael J. Weingarth
I'm 16 and Ready to Cope With Prostate Disease By Mike Fowler
The Conflicted History of the Wave, Part Two By Michael Rottman
A Different Kind of Company By Barrett Brown
Rules for My Cuddle Party By Mike Sacks
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