How to Train Your Dragon
First, you must be a young Viking whose town is besieged by dragons. You must want to defeat a dragon, but upon finding a dragon, you must realize that you don’t have the heart to kill it and then forge an unlikely friendship with said dragon—Yes? I know you didn’t mean to interrupt, but you did. So you might as well just say whatever it is that is so important that you need to… Well, I was just about to offer advice on how to train one’s dragon… A feature film you say? In 3-D? Huh. Well, does it offer excellent and specific advice as to how to train one’s dragon?… It does. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. No matter, I have a back up plan.
How to Make an American Quilt
First, leave your fiancée for a summer so that you may gather together with a group of old ladies and write your thesis in an amazing mansion house in California wine country. These old ladies must tell colorful, life-affirming tales whilst quilting. They must have made dozens and dozens of quilts over years and years of knowing each other—WHAT? Yes, you’re interrupting again, what IS IT?… Another feature film you say? Is it in 3-D?… No, but Winona Ryder is in it? And Maya Angelou? I was not aware that she acted, how interesting. You know, I don’t believe that I’d enjoy that film. I’d much rather just tell people how to make an American quilt, but if you’re so convinced that everyone has seen it, fine. I have many, many, many pieces of advice to bestow.
How To Make It In America
People from all over the world come to America. Why? To make it. However, many need advice as to how to make it. For this I am well equipped. Maybe I have not necessarily “made it,” but I am well on my way to making it, as I have a keen interest in fashion, specifically denim. I would advise anyone who wants to make it in America to be hip to the downtown New York scene and, most importantly, be good-looking, but not a douche. You know how a lot of good-looking people are douch—GODAMMIT, WHAT? WHAT?? You’re only hurting people by interrupting me! Tens of millions of people are going without advice because you can’t keep your mouth shut! Sure, maybe not everyone will have a pet dragon or want to make an American quilt but YOU CANNOT, I will NOT LET YOU, deny people the chance to make it in America! Speak up!… Oh. Seriously? I’m not that angry because I respect HBO and it’s programming very deeply. Did you see The Wire? I just finished the first season. I know, I’m behind. Yeah, it took me like four episodes to get into it but, man. I mean, when Wallace dies? That really got to—wait, stop distracting me. Seriously, dude, people need my advice. Onward and upward.
How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days
No?
OK.
How To Deal
You can’t just scream “Mandy Moore!” at me, I don’t know what that means. I mean, I can assume. So I’ll just go right to this next one…
How To Shut Someone Up
Who’s Interrupting You
First, shakily raise your gun. Acknowledge that you’ve never resorted to violence before, but you can only be pushed so far, you know? Once when you were babysitting you thought you were being robbed and reached for your dad’s gun in the shoebox in the closet, but you refrained. And you’re glad you did because it was just your brother trying to scare you. That could have gone horribly awry. So you vowed never to touch a firearm again. But now, here you are, pointing a gun at someone who wouldn’t SHUT THE FUCK UP and brought this upon themselves. So you’re sorry. But not that sorry. Because life is a series of decisions that you make for yourself. I see that you’re not interrupting. I appreciate this… It’s good advice, you say? And original? Well, thank you. I think so too. But flattery will get you nowhere. You still have to pay the piper and that piper is me…. I’m the Princess of Advice, you say? Why, well, ha. Ha. Ha. You know that Sarah means “princess” in some languages? I suppose I can continue on. This next one is called How To Disappear Completely.