American: I am out of the office between 10 p.m. and 4 a.m., I am so, so sorry.
European: I am out of the office from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. (for tapas).
American: I am in the bathroom, and will respond to your email from the toilet.
European: I am taking my government-mandated eight-week summer vacation and will reply when the autumnal Mediterranean breeze kisses my cheeks.
American: I am out of the office for the next thirty minutes at a biopsy, but because I live in constant fear of unemployment I have pre-scheduled thirty-seven emails and Slack messages so that my boss thinks I am at my desk.
European: Désolé! Taking a mental-health year.
American: I will be slow to respond to your email, as I was suspended without pay for opening an unsolicited email promotion for CBD oil.
European: Sorry for the slow response. Our office observes MDMA Thursdays and the beat just dropped.
American: I am out of the office until tomorrow. For urgent matters, contact Office Director Jamie Franklin (jfranklin@hyperion.com), call me on my cell (310-555-1711), or come to my house and break down the door. Don’t mind the newborn, he startles easy.
European: It is after 4:30 p.m., and your email has been automatically forwarded to Interpol as a reported human rights violation.
American: I was T-boned by a Ford F-450 and am in an ambulance performing an emergency hand amputation on myself. I will reply to your email as soon as I learn to type with my bloody elbows.
European: I got a runny nose from biking to work through an exotic flower garden and will be on paid medical leave until the next World Cup.
American: I am in second place rounding the final corner in the Olympic four-hundred-meter hurdles—ping me on Slack and I will sort you out in between strides. #multitasking #mindbody #grindset
European: I am at Oktoberfest with my boss for a “team-building activity.” Prost!
American: I may be slow to reply to emails because I googled the word “union” on company Wi-Fi, and I have now been placed in The Box.
European: I am out of the office indefinitely, because I have reached the mandatory retirement age of forty-two.
American: I have been fired by HyperConquest Services. Therefore, I will only be working for them twenty-five hours per week.
European: As of 2019, I no longer work at NordiHaven Solutions. If you are receiving this reply, it means I am still getting my paycheck.
American: I have snuck away from work to vote in an election that will determine, among other things, whether the attorney general can summarily execute unemployed kittens.
European: I am out of the office this week to riot over public university tuition rising to thirty euros per year.
American: I am out of the office this afternoon giving birth to triplets. I will respond, but please forgive any typoOAAARRRGHHH.
European: I am on government bereavement leave while my goldfish receives publicly funded hospice care.
American: Due to unregulated workplace safety standards, I have been shredded to death by a runaway industrial photocopier. I am finally free, ascending toward a magnificent light, my entire body dissolving into mist as I am enveloped in a glowing, warm consciousness. I have floated into the Great Beyond and am communing with my ancestors, stretching back countless millennia. I will respond before COB.
European: Good news! I am in the office and will be replying after my lunch hour (10 a.m.–4:30 p.m.)