By voting for, agreeing with, or making fun of people who go crazy in response to President Donald J. Trump, you agree to the terms of this end user license agreement. Violation of these rules and conditions immediately nullifies any obligation President Trump has to follow applicable laws or be aware of laws.
DEFINITIONS
A. “Loyalty” means a one-way feeling of absolute devotion to Trump’s cause and willingness to abandon all prior principles, stated opinions, liberty, etc.
B. “Fake news” refers to well-known and commonly accepted facts.
C. “Snowflake” means a cry-baby, or any other person who is overly sensitive to criticism, not counting the President, his allies, and the entire conservative movement.
D. “Cloud services” refer to ideas floating around in Trump’s head that make perfect sense once articulated. Access to cloud services requires an active relationship to a medically untreated homeless person brain.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
1. No matter how ridiculous, insane, and unprecedented the president’s actions may seem, you agree to fully, publicly, and against any common norms of decency or basic reasoning, support his stated explanations.
2. At a moment’s notice, you must suspend all mental effort during the brief intervals between (a) self-evidently abnormal Trump Administration actions or obviously indefensible tweets and (b) official statements provided by leading Trump surrogates clarifying the obvious actual meaning/understandable impulse/ ha-ha joking nature behind the unbelievable behavior/actually crimes.
3. You agree to refrain from consuming any television broadcast, print publication, digital media, or anguished crayon drawings from pre-verbal one-year old snowflakes expressing internal turmoil about societal dysfunction that offers arguments against or obliquely refers to the possibility of arguments against the president’s actions.
4. In the event that you experience feelings of regret for supporting Trump or concern about recent presidential conduct, you agree to abide by the following rules regarding public commentary:
A. You will attack the hypocrisy, self-contradictions, and minor grammatical mistakes of any persons mounting a legal, verbal, emotional, or GIF-related attack on the president;
B. You will regularly denigrate all forms of media that question the president as examples of liberal bias, up to and including less-than totally deranged Breitbart headlines, heterodox facial tics from Fox News television anchors, or sensible comments accidentally made by Alex Jones;
C. You will provide Trump administration officials with complete and total control over your own individual Twitter account, in order to re-tweet, like, positively comment on, or attach semi-offensive but plausibly innocent images in reply to the president’s tweets; or, under the condition that you, like most people, don’t get Twitter, permit authorized Trump administration officials (hereafter, “Spicer”) to create, in your name and likeness, a Twitter account that automatically replies to and praises Trump’s tweets, and also follows a Kardashian.
5. You agree to pledge personal loyalty to Donald J. Trump via a widely accepted, Spicer-approved methodology, such as swearing a blood oath by slicing your palm with a Santoku knife, reciting hoary patriotic creeds bearing almost no resemblance to those used in Ku Klux Klan initiation ceremonies, carefully wrapping your hand in saran wrap or its Russian equivalent, spraying it with 100% American-made Lysol, kneeling in submission, shaking Donald J. Trump’s hand, and emitting a cry of real or imagined pain. Under certain circumstances, and with prior approval, an electronic signature may be substituted.
TERMINATION
Violations of this agreement will result in immediate termination of employment (plus or minus six weeks), humiliation on various forms of social media (depending on your level of threat to the Trump family business), and/or eventual imprisonment (give us a few more months). Cloud services users will have their account suspended, pending deportation.
MISCELLANEOUS
The Trump Administration may assign this agreement, in part or in whole, at any time, subject to your prior written consent or implicit existence, to Donald J. Trump, personally, as well as to each of his heirs, even Tiffany; provided, however, that such assignment, as disclosed by fake news, results from or as part of an impeachment, conviction, or resignation, causing you a temporary spasm of doubt, big league.