FREE FORMAL FRENCH UPRIGHT PIANO
PERFECT CONDITION
On JULY 4TH 2012, at approximately 4 pm my GRANDMOTHER DIED while playing “You’re a Grand Old Flag” on THIS PIANO. Now her soul lingers forever in its wooden fibers. I believe she cannot rest because she never actually finished playing the DAMN SONG.
My BITCH SISTER CINDY WHO NEVER PAYS RENT refused to take it even though it was left to HER in the will because her asshole husband thought it would CLASH, so she had it delivered to my apartment while I was away on vacation in BUFFALO, NEW YORK.
You can imagine my DEEP SURPRISE when I came home to hear the first few notes of “TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME,” which it plays 24/7, coming from inside my apartment. At first, I found this soothing as I am a HUGE PHILLIES FAN, but soon my fiancée started calling me a “PUSSY” for not standing up to my sweet old grandmother.
After my fiancée left me and I lost my entry-level job as an accountant because I could NOT SLEEP, I realized that not only did this piano not fit into my cool 30s-guy lifestyle, but that it was TEARING ME APART.
I have since tried to throw it out several times but it always manages to get back into my living room. ONCE, when bringing it down to the street, I SLIPPED and FELL DOWN THE STAIRS. The piano landed on top of me at the bottom, leading to SERIOUS BRAIN TRAUMA.
I love my sweet grandmother, but SHE is pure EVIL and now lives from beyond the grave to DESTROY me. A medium from Coney Island told me that I must pass the piano on to another person to rid myself of this curse. I AM AT WITS END AND BECOMING A BROKEN BONE TO EVERYONE AROUND ME.
My BEST friend, the esteemed post-modernist conductor and composer BRIAN SAMUEL ROTHSTEIN, claims that the piano needs to be tuned. He tried to tune it once and the thing almost bit off his PENIS.
DO NOT try to destroy the piano, as the spirit of my grandmother could possess an OBJECT or SMALL ANIMAL in your home or apartment. My dear old grandmother has an affinity for toiletries and fruit. BEWARE when biting into your FAVORITE KUMQUAT OR WIPING YOUR ASS.
This piano will RUIN your life and make your WIFE/CHILD HATE AND DESPISE YOUR STUPID FACE.
OTHERWISE, in PERFECT CONDITION. It is a FORMAL FRENCH UPRIGHT with GRACEFUL AND SLEEK DESIGN!!!
Will be GREAT for HALLOWEEN!!! GOOD for ENTERTAINING GUESTS, KIDS, and your friends’ WIVES!!!
KEEP AWAY FROM PETS.
WILL DELIVER MYSELF IF IN MANHATTAN OR BROOKLYN.
DON’T FUCKING ASK ME TO DELIVER TO QUEENS OR HOBOKEN.
Location: WILLIAMSBURG
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