• Six (6) collated copies of my intricate revenge plan, printed out on quality 24-lb. typing paper.

• Three (3) gallons of magenta paint (also, look into a good primer).

• One (1) gorilla that can communicate via sign language, or, if unable to acquire, one of those that likes to paint.

• Five (5) accomplices.

• One (1) hit man to permanently silence all five accomplices once my plan is completed.

• One (1) more gorilla (the regular kind) to silence the hit man.

• One (1) ball of twine.

• One (1) parade along Main St. for purposes of distraction.

• One (1) municipal permit for aforementioned parade.

• $8.25 in loose change.

• One (1) functional robot butler (not essential to the plan’s success, but how awesome would that be?)

• Three (3) black turtlenecks (one to wear during the execution of the actual plan, one to wear during the practice run, and one just to wear around the house.)

• One (1) 8 × 10 glossy of Ryan Seacrest.

• Fifteen (15) to twenty (20) rabid squirrels willing to work as a team.

• One (1) Snickers bar, so I don’t get hungry or weak sometime in the middle of all this.

• One (1) grappling gun.

• One (1) back-up accomplice in case one of the original five is killed during an accidental discharge of the grappling gun, which are no doubt tricky to use.

• One (1) video, filmed in my house, posted on YouTube, and going viral. (Nothing to do with cats).

• One (1) phony ransom note, written in crayon, mailed from the Philippines. (Make sure not a postcard.)

• One (1) copy of Water for Elephants to “forget” on subway seat. (Preferably paperback.)

• One (1) highly-detailed map of the city’s sewer system.

• One (1) pair of insulated, water-proof boots and one (1) pair of nostril plugs.

• One (1) lottery ticket. (If ticket wins, scrap this plan and use the winnings to go with much more expensive and elaborate Plan B.)

• One (1) toothpick. Correction: 327 toothpicks.

• One (1) copy of my self-satisfied rant, in which I describe the many lengths I went to and the many sacrifices I made in order to achieve my long-awaited revenge, printed out on quality 24-lb. typing paper.

• One Super Soaker water gun.