Long Distance Song Parody Dedication: “Polyester Bride.”

Dear Carlton,
For my sixth birthday, my parents took me and my best friend Kara to a taping of “Bozo’s Circus” in Chicago. I was so excited. My parents had ordered the tickets right after I was born and being on TV was going to be a huge thrill, even if the camera just passed over us in the crowd, or caught a glimpse of us in the parade at the end of the show. So when I was picked out of all the kids to play Bozo Buckets, I was simply out of my mind! Actually, I was terrified. When it came time to play the game I was so scared, all I could do was stare at the camera and limply toss the balls in the vicinity of the buckets. I was never even close.

Afterwards, I was crying and crying and I couldn’t stop. On the way home, Kara gave me her favorite Barbie and told me I could keep it until I felt better. She never asked for it back and my daughter plays with it now. Kara moved away when we were in junior high and we’ve lost touch, but I’ve never forgotten that day, or her kindness.

Carlton, could you write a song parody about Bozo the Clown, sung to the tune of Liz Phair’s “Polyester Bride,” and dedicate it to my best friend Kara, wherever she is?

Yours truly,
Beth M.
Aurora, Illinois

Sure, Beth. Going out to Kara, here is your Long Distance Song Parody Dedication:

BUCKET NUMBER FIVE

I was chosen, some 20 years ago,
To play the bucket game at Cirque du Bozo.
And I asked Cooky, the clown aide de camp
If he liked Wizzo best or Sandy the Tramp.

And Cooky said,
“Give pretty young Liz a hand, kids.
As she goes for today’s grand prize,
Fifty silver dollars and a brand new shiny bike
If she can toss balls in the buckets six straight times.

And then he said,
“You won’t even make Bucket Number Five.
When you leave you’ll be leaving that Schwinn behind.
You’ll have to settle for something lame
Like a Sorry game
Or a box of Twinkies.
‘Cause you’ll never climb on that bike and ride away from here.”

So I cleared Bucket One and nailed Bucket Two
Then I felt myself start to come unglued.
And I heard Cooky laugh and saw Bozo smirk
That’s when I knew that men were all clowns and jerks.

And Cooky said,
“The first bucket is really easy.
The second bucket is easy, too
But I know you’ll choke on bucket Number Three
‘Cause Three’s the bitch that eats up pretty girls like you.”

And then he said,
“You’ll be out before Bucket Number Five.
You can kiss that sweet banana seat good-bye
You’ll have to settle for something lame
Like a Sorry game
Or a box of Twinkies.
Princess aren’t you scared we’ll hit you in that pretty face with pie?

“Because Bozo throws pies.”
He keeps telling me, “Bozo throws pies.”
But I don’t believe him.
“Here comes a pie.”
Each bucket’s getting harder
Each bucket’s getting farther away.

But he keeps telling me, “Baby”
He says, “Baby, you’ll be gone before bucket Number Five…”

Each of the following quotations from Shakespeare’s plays contains a word that is a key to today’s puzzle. Figure out what the words have in common, and you’ll have the solution. Note that you won’t necessarily have to get every word to figure out the common thread. In fact, this might be one of the rare instances in which more clues actually could make the puzzle more difficult.

Sal, one of our veteran puzzle testers, has suggested we provide an extra hint this week. We thought it would be appropriate to give it in verse:

Before you give up as a matter of course,
Consult number six and consider the source.

1. “Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.”
King Henry IV Part II Act 2 Scene 1

2. “Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.”
Julius Caesar Act 2 Scene 2

3. “God has given you one face, and you make
yourselves another.”
Hamlet Act 3 Scene 1

4. “Go to your bosom; Knock there, and ask your
heart what it doth know.”
Measure for Measure Act 2, Scene 2

5. “I have cried her almost to the number of her hairs;
I have drawn her picture with my voice.”
Pericles Prince of Tyre Act 4 Scene 2

6. “Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,
and let your flesh and blood obey it.”
Twelfth Night Act 5 Scene 1

7. “Loose now and then
A scatter’d smile, and that I’ll live upon.”
As You Like It Act 3 Scene 5

8. “Why, man, if the river
were dry, I am able to fill it with my tears; if the
wind were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs.”
The Two Gentlemen of Verona Act 2, Scene 3

Send your answer before Noon Friday, October 17. The winner, chosen at random from correct entries, will receive a McSweeney’s book.

ANSWERS.

For the first time ever, the winner of last week’s Brain Exploder has been decided by a coin flip.

Only two entries correctly identified the common thread between words that appeared in a series of eight Shakespeare quotes. The particular words were “crown, death, face, heart, picture, pocket, smile, and tears.” When you put the words “of a Clown” after each of them, you get the title of a song:

Crown of a Clown by Hellbilly Club
Death of a Clown by The Kinks
Face of a Clown by Ferlin Husky (also Skeeter Davis)
Heart of a Clown by Willie Nelson
Picture of a Clown by Shame Idols
Pocket of a Clown by Dwight Yoakam
Smile of a Clown by Ray Hendrix (also Webb Pierce)
Tears of a Clownby Smokey Robinson

Grant Vaught and Jed Scott correctly identified the theme and each of the songs. The winner of a McSweeney’s book, decided by a 2000 Virginia state quarter, is Grant Vaught. But we’re going to send Jed Scott a book, too. This was a hard one.

We also received many thoughtful and amusing, though incorrect, answers:

THE CHICAGO CUBS “OH SO CLOSE” AWARD:
All Shakespearean quotes in this week’s Brain Exploder contain a word that is also featured in a song title that also features the word “clown.” (The hint about the Twelfth Night quote refers to the source of the quote in the play—the Clown). This puzzle also relates to the Bozo song parody written as a preamble to this week’s puzzle. Here are the specific song titles and artists:

1. Send in THE Clowns — Frank Sinatra
2. Clowns of DEATH — Oingo Boingo
3. Something Bad Happened to a Clown — Warren Zevon
4. YOUR Clown — Eiffel 65
5. MY Life as a Clown — Matthew Good Band
6. POCKET of a Clown — Dwight Yoakam
7. Clowns (Can You See Me NOW?) — T.A.T.U.
8. TEARS of a Clown — Smokey Robinson
—Jack Volpi

YES, IT IS
“Dude, it’s like a sad, cryin’ clown face, man. Crazy clown faces.”
—Alli Katz

NO, IT’S NOT
I believe that what you’re trying to get at here is the twelve cranial nerves.
1. Head: the whole shebang
2. Taste: glossopharyneal (CN IX)
3. Face: facial (CN VII) or trigeminal, sensory root (CN V)
4. Heart: vagus (CN X)
5. Voice: vagus (CN X)
6. This is the stumper: blood? ’Coz the vagus nerve (CN X) controls the activity of the heart?
7. Smile: trigeminal, motor root (CN V)
8. Tears: oculomotor (CN III)
—J.D. Lowry, who is not a physician, but rather a medical malpractice lawyer.

READ US OUR WRONGS
The words all refer to parts of the body or things that are created by the body.
1. Head
2. Taste (mouth)
3. Face
4. Bosom, heart
5. Hairs, voice
6. Flesh, blood
7. Smile
8. Sears, sighs
Or maybe not. I’m just bored at work.
—Miranda Burgess

THE BRAIN EXPLODER TAKES A LICKING…
My answer is WATCHES. The reasons why I totally doubt this are:
1) I can’t make your helpful hint fit this answer. (It made sense if the answer was my first theory, coins or money, but I couldn’t make that work even in spite of some neat word like CROWN, DIE and FACE.)
2) I can’t make quotation seven work with coins.
3) It just doesn’t… feel right, dammit!

But since everything except seven works pretty well, I will go for it. Unless something else occurs to me by Friday. So here’s why it could have been watches:
1. “Uneasy lies the head that wears a CROWN.”
(The little pointy-outy thing on the side of a watch that you use to set the time is called the crown.)

2. “Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The VALIANT never taste of death but once.”
(A Valiant is a variety of Swiss watch.)

3. “God has given you one FACE, and you make yourselves another.”
(I.e . “watch face.”)

4. “Go to your bosom; Knock there, and ask your HEART what it doth know.”
(A heart is the watch component that is used to start and stop the mechanism.)

5. “I have cried her almost to the NUMBER of her hairs; I have drawn her picture with my voice.”
(You get numbers on a watch, right? Don’t you? Huh? Back me up here.)

6. “Put your grace in your POCKET, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.”
(I.e. a pocket watch.)

7. “Loose now and then / Ascatter’d smile, and that I’ll live upon.”
(This is the one I don’t like —but you can have a LOOSE-wound watch…)

8. “Why, man, if the river were dry, I am able to fill it with my tears; if the WIND were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs.” (As in “wind a watch.”)
—Matthew Blakstad

AN EAR, NOSE, AND THROAT MAN
Is it that all the verses have something head-alicious to do with each
other — taste, hair, tears, etc… all things that involve the shoulders up?
—Scott Eldridge

T AND A
Solution: Parts of the Body.
Words: Head, face, bosom/heart, hairs, flesh/blood, smile, etc. The speaker of number six, the Clown from As You Like It, is talking about being called an ass.
—T.J. Gillespie

O THAT DECEIT SHOULD DWELL IN SUCH A GORGEOUS PALACE!
We believe the theme to be… the leading of double lives!
1. “Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.”
King Henry IV Part II Act 2 Scene 1
Clue word: lies
Reference: The movie True Lies, where Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character leads… a double life as a normal guy and a special agent. A very timely reference.

3. “God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another.”
Hamlet Act 3 Scene 1
Clue word: face
Reference: The movie Face Off with John Travolta and Nicholas Cage, where they switch faces.

4. “Go to your bosom; Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know.”
Measure for Measure Act 2, Scene 2
Clue word: bosom
Reference: The TV show Bosom Buddies where Tom Hanks and some other guy dress as women in their apartment in order to be able to live there.

5. “I have cried her almost to the number of her hairs; I have drawn her picture with my voice.”
Pericles Prince of Tyre Act 4 Scene 2
Clue word: picture
Reference: The movie Picture Perfect, where Jennifer Aniston fabricates a boyfriend.

6. “Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.”
Twelfth Night Act 5 Scene 1
Reference: Twelfth Night, a play where many comical hi-jinks ensue when identities are confused…. the leading of double lives!
—Sarah Garb and Megan Peterson

A VERY LATE NIGHT IN THE LIBRARY
One common thread in the quotes is the fact that they all contain words that have something to do with the human body: head, taste, face, bosom, hairs, blood, smile, tears. But that’s too obvious to be a Brain Exploder answer, so I thought about the clue. Quote Six is spoken by Feste the Clown. At first, I thought the common element would have something to do with clowns, to tie in with the Long Distance Song Parody Dedication. But then I started to worry that the Parody was another thing you put in there to throw me off.

The words necessary to solve the puzzle are:
1. that
2. of
3. another
4. it
5. picture
6. sir
7. smile
8. river

The link between these threads is that you can rearrange their first letters to spell “SIR TOPAS.” Sir Topas is the character played by Feste in Act IV Scene 2 of Twelfth Night. But that’s not all. The clown’s first lines in Twelfth Night are “Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.” The bawdy implication of “well hanged” and the mention of “colours” brings to mind another work by William Shakespeare: “Venus and Adonis,” an erotic poem that begins with reference to color (and body parts!): “EVEN as the sun with purple-colour’d face…”

In “Venus and Adonis,” the body part/sense words from the Brain Exploder quotes appear, in the following lines:

“rein his proud HEAD to the saddle-bow,” line 14
“shows thee unripe, yet mayst thou well be TASTEd,” line 127
“panting he lies, and breatheth in her FACE,” line 62
“from his soft BOSOM never to remove,” line 81
“I’ll make for thee a shadow of my HAIRS,” line 191
“her face doth reek and smoke, her BLOOD doth boil,” line 555
“to toy, to wanton, dally, SMILE, and jest,” line 106
“if they burn too, I’ll quench them with my TEARS,” line 192

Although I established that these words are not the answer to the Brain Exploder, their presence in “Venus and Adonis” suggests that I am on the right track.

The words “that,” “of,” “another,” “it,” “picture,” “smile,” and “river” are also found in “Venus and Adonis,” in the quotes below. “Sir” is mysteriously absent, but since it is found in the name “Sir Topas,” I decided to count it anyway. The quotes are below:

“in THAT thy likeness still is left alive,” line 174
“when it is barr’d the aidance OF the tongue,” line 330
“he winks, and turns his lips ANOTHER way,” line 90
“my smooth moist hand, were IT with thy hand felt,” line 143
“Fie! Lifeless PICTURE, cold and senseless stone,” line 211
“A SMILE recures the wounding of a frown,” line 465
“Which bred more beauty in his angry eyes: rain added to a RIVER that is
rank, perforce will force it overflow the bank,” lines 70-72

What else links these quotes? The fact that they ALL CONTAIN WORDS THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BODY PARTS OR SENSES: likeness, tongue, lips, hand, senseless, frown, and eyes. And if you’re a stickler and you don’t want me to finesse the fact that “sir” does not appear in “Venus and Adonis” and therefore has no connection to body parts or senses, consider the fact that “clown is Topas” can be rearranged to spell “cow TONSIL sap.”

So the answer to the Brain Exploder is that the words “that,” “of,” “another,” “it,” “picture,” “sir,” “smile,” and “river” are all tangentially related to both clowns and body parts/senses.
—Isaac Schapira