It has come to my attention that a private photo of me eating a grilled cheese sandwich has been turned into a viral internet meme. I’d like to provide an explanation of the events depicted in the photograph, with the hopes that I might make those participating in this hurtful meme aware of the seriousness of the matter, which they treat so lightly.
A little background: I was celebrating my half birthday with an acquaintance at Say Cheese, a popular restaurant specializing in grilled cheese sandwiches. I was being photographed recreating the signature pose of the franchise, wherein a customer takes a large bite of a grilled cheese sandwich and makes a thumbs up sign. I won’t use this time to get too deep into Say Cheese politics, but getting your image on the wall of CHEESIEST CUSTOMERS requires a near perfect photograph.
Soon after I had taken the iconic bite, just as the picture was being taken, a bumblebee unexpectedly flew directly towards my face, which explains my crossed eyes. My best guess is that the bee was drawn to the honey I had on my face in a last ditch effort to cure my chronic acne. Regardless, I have a very real and justified fear of bees, as I am extremely allergic to them. Upon realizing that a sting was imminent, I took a great gulp of air that caused me to suffocate on the hot sandwich. Paralyzed in terror, my thumb stayed locked in its ‘up’ position and my mouth remained in its unnatural smile.
It is frustrating that the bee is not visible in the photograph, so please take my word for it.
Now, a moment to explain the faces of the patrons around me: My body, prioritizing its functions in this crucial moment, relaxed many of my muscles both voluntary and involuntary and I farted in an explosive and startling fashion. I hope this sufficiently explains the faces of the patrons seated behind me. At the moment of the photograph they were grossed out but upon realizing the gravity of the situation, I assure you they rushed to my aid.
In all of this I am faultless.
I’ll give you this: In retrospect my choice of clothing that day was poor. I had recently set forth on a list of personal challenges suggested by the self help book The Introvert Cure, and was attempting to dress the part of someone very confident. The shirt, which bragged I’M HOT YOUR NOT [sic], had been commissioned by me from a local screen printing shop. I picked up the T-shirt earlier that day and immediately noticed the typo, but was, ironically, too shy to notify the employee of the mistake. Internet bullies are eager to belittle me for both the message of the shirt and the misspelling of “you’re.” Hopefully you now see that by knowingly wearing the shirt, typo and all, I was displaying a carefree attitude and trying to better myself, each of which are admirable qualities.
It’s bad enough that this image is a permanent reminder of a terrifying moment from an already bad day. To compound my misery, words have been superimposed on the image by a third party: EVERYTHANG’S COOL. I can assure you that “everything” was NOT cool. My life was in danger; I hope you understand this now.
Furthermore, the sudden notoriety has jeopardized my identity as a secret shopper, and my credibility as a meditation coach. So, all I ask is that everyone delete any posts, comments, re-blogs or similar participation which you might have had in this cruel meme. Please help get the word out about the somber nature of this photograph. I am also big enough to accept personal apologies, which you can email to me directly at Bow2theBigDog@aol.com.
Thank you for your time.
Ps. Infuriatingly, I did NOT get on the wall of CHEESIEST CUSTOMERS. I will try again soon, and am actively seeking companions to join me for my next attempt.