“The moment I saw him charging the steps on January 6, I knew I wanted to rip off his Viking helmet and find out how quickly he could send my body into a constitutional crisis.”
“He had a sharp, strong jawline from years of clenching it every time someone mentioned universal health care.”
“I could tell he was the kind of hunk who wanted to undo my bra—and my rights.”
“A spicy DM from his anti-woke meme account landed in my X inbox. I smirked as Grok replied, ‘Hot. Elon enjoyed reading that.’”
“For our first date, he told me I could pick the spot—anywhere my heart desired, as long as it was a business that had dismantled its DEI policies.”
“His masculine energy radiated, and my body tensed with delight—the exhilaration trickled all the way down, like tax cuts for the wealthy that would benefit me, a mid-tier MLM distributor.”
“‘We shouldn’t tell anyone about this,’ he said, making our encounter even more romantic. I have always liked my men like I like the Bible: misinterpreted to my advantage.”
“He tucked a strand of hair behind my bald-eagle earrings, then leaned in and whispered, ‘I’ll treat you better than this administration treats billionaires, baby.’”
“With one touch, my body quivered. Like a thousand Fox News notifications all at once.”
“‘It’s too soon to give in to our desires,’ I said. ‘I must resist you.’
“‘You’re treating me like a vaccine?’ he said, coughing.”
“I couldn’t take it anymore. We finally made out in the middle of the banned-books rally. His lips were as soft as a Democrat’s comeback.”
“The long, sensuous kiss made me blush; I could feel my cheeks burning as red as a state ranked lowest in education.”
“We went back to my place, and he kissed me again with the passion of every aunt sharing an un-fact-checked Facebook post.”
“He tore off his red hat and American flag shirt (made in Hong Kong), and tossed his four concealed handguns on my floor. His sex appeal was wildly disarming.”
“I was overwhelmed with lust. I traced his bare edges with my eyes, dazzled and amazed at how his body was shaped like a Cybertruck.”
“The friction between us was as hot as a looming trade war between the US and Canada.”
“I moaned loudly, the way I do when I have to hear someone’s pronouns.”
“Our carnal connection made me feel like I was floating weightlessly in the Gulf of America.”
“Afterward, we held hands and looked into each other’s deep-blue patriotic eyes. ‘This feels so real,’ he said. ‘Unlike climate change.’”
“The next morning, over Signal, he texted me how much fun he had the night before: 👊 🇺🇸 🔥. It was then I knew: the two of us—and the seven other guys in the group chat—would live happily ever after.”