By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, and because really what are you going to do about it anyway, it is hereby ordered as follows:

Section 1
Definitions

As used in this order:

a) “Arbor” means arbor.
b) “Day” means day.
c) “Invasive Species” means any foreign-born plant, even if you think it’s beautiful, or useful, and even if it was brought here in seed form before taking root in American soil.
d) “Tree” means a plant that is solid enough, and large enough, to block progress.
e) “Excepted Species” means Picea obovata, Pinus sibirica, and Tilia nasczokinii.
f) “Freedom of Religion Trees” means any tree customarily used by any religion for decorative purposes and for delivery of presents on December 25th.

Section 2
Policy

Every year, thousands of motorists are killed by trees. Trees also have a tendency to stand in locations that could otherwise be used to build things and create jobs. In addition, although it is impossible for anyone to calculate these amounts accurately, trees dump A LOT of leaves every fall, resulting in Americans hiring immigrants or immigrantish people to disturb the peace by operating noisy leaf blowers. Or if they don’t do that, then they have to take care of their own yards and miss watching football games on TV. Either way, it’s not good. People have also said that native species are being choked out by foreign invasive species that we should never have allowed into our country in the first place. Even liberal gardeners know I’m right about that last part. Accordingly, things are going to change and trees aren’t going to know what hit them.

Section 3
No more Arbor Day

In recognition of the many problems that trees have caused us, we will no longer celebrate Arbor Day. In its place, I order that the last Friday in April will from now on be celebrated as Harbor Day. Harbor Day will serve as a reminder of the illegal immigrants amongst us who will soon be found and deported. It should also serve as a reminder to people that Mar-a-Lago is a wonderful place to take a boat ride this time of year.

Section 4
Development of Plan to Deal with Invasive Species

Within 90 days of this Order, five of the remaining employees at the Environmental Protection Agency (Steve, Pam, Andrea, Mike P., and Bob) shall figure out how to get rid of invasive species immediately. However, because it would be wrong to act as if species from different countries could never get along, the plan should allow for the continued existence of the Excepted Species.

Section 5
Development of Plan to Solve the Tree Problem

Within 180 days of this Order, five of the remaining employees at the Environmental Protection Agency (Steve, Pam, Andrea, Mike C., and Bob) shall come up with a plan for reducing our tree population by at least 20% each year, except for Freedom of Religion trees, which should be left alone. Also, there are a few trees on some golf courses that I need Steve to take care of immediately.

Section 6
General Provisions

This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, for any plants that aren’t trees. We’ll be dealing with you soon enough.

— THE WHITE HOUSE, April 28, 2017.