Sorry, everybody, I hate to be that guy, but what’s going on with the apocalypse orgy? It’s happening, right? Do we have any more details about it, or are we just going into this whole doomsday orgy thing completely off the cuff?
Seriously, what are the logistics behind the apocalypse orgy?
Look, I know everyone’s in favor of having one massive, horrifying doomsday orgy in the last precious moments before our planet becomes completely uninhabitable. But I just think that we, as a group, have to be realistic and realize that a truly great doomsday orgy isn’t going to happen overnight. In science fiction, it always looks so easy: every time a society like ours is about to face a mass extinction, they descend, almost by magic, into a writhing orgy where seas of gyrating bodies fill the streets in a desperate attempt to numb their existential dread with the temporary comforts of thrusting flesh and undulating genitalia.
But this isn’t science fiction. This is real life. And in real life, things like horrifying, indiscriminate death bacchanalias don’t just happen overnight. They take the concerted efforts of a group of passionate individuals, as well as substantial community outreach and systematic advertising.
And as of right now, I just don’t think we’ve put in the groundwork necessary for a truly epic apocalypse orgy.
For example, who’s planning the orgy? Do we have an “orgy guy”? Are they on top of things, or should we be concerned about their leadership?
I mean, what if the orgy planning committee doesn’t take into consideration everyone’s preexisting conflicts and/or circumstances? What if they schedule the orgy on a weekday? Or on Christmas? Or, hypothetically speaking, what if it takes place during March Madness, which is one of the only annual events I personally care about? Am I going to have to miss the entire orgy just because I need to find out whether Gonzaga beats Duke in the Sweet Sixteen? That seems pretty rude to all the college basketball fans out there.
Look, if we’re committed to having a horrifying, nihilistic fornication fest with no rules and even fewer inhibitions, we’re going to need some top-tier planning. I don’t want to just “wing it.” Not when it comes to the orgy. And I don’t think we, as a society, should compromise for anything less than the A+ orgy that we all want and deserve.
Next question: Where’s it gonna be?
Where’s the orgy happening? Do we have a spot? Are we going to all meet up in one central location like it’s the Democratic National Convention? Correct me if I’m wrong, but there is no way that we have the kind of infrastructure needed to accommodate a massive, single-location orgy. Say we all decided to meet up in a central location, like Chicago. For every one person who gets to be in the orgy, there are going to be, like, a hundred people who can’t attend because they’re stuck in traffic on I-90.
Another possible option: Is someone just going to give us a date and time, and then we’re all supposed to go outside and start orgying it up all willy-nilly, regardless of location? Like a flash mob but for sex? Sure, that’s all well and good for people who live in densely populated cities, but how is that fair to people who live in rural areas? Or for people who don’t necessarily want to orgy it up in the middle of suburbia?
Personally, I believe that we should have around thirty orgy “satellite sites” set up across the country, complete with food trucks, nearby hotels, and orgy-specific vendors. That way, when the time for the orgy comes, people can easily make their way to their nearest satellite site without unduly inconveniencing themselves. But that’s my opinion. I just wish we had some sort of regulatory committee that I could share it with.
Also, one last thing, but is the orgy going to be free for everyone? Or will there be, like, a ticket fee or something? I’m fine Venmoing the organizers fifty dollars if that will help pay for the venue. But they will have to let me know beforehand, or else it will just feel tacky.
Anyway, as I mentioned before, I hate to be the one complaining, especially about something as cosmically unimportant as a massive doomsday sex party. But as someone who has both attended and hosted poorly planned events, I speak from experience when I say that, right now, it is of the utmost importance that we figure out all of the logistics behind this whole “apocalypse orgy” thingamajig before it’s too late.
Otherwise, if we don’t, the impending extinction of the entire human race is just going to be a bit of a bummer.