The Prose Edda for Bostonians: Gylfaginning, Part XV

[Part I, Part II, Part III., Part IV, Part V,
Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X,
Part XI, Part XII, Part XIII,
and Part XIV.]

Part XV: In Which King Gylfi of Sweden Learns about the Time When The Gods Physically Assaulted their Most Favorite and Popular Member Just for the Fun of It

So now Thor gets back tah Asgard aftah backhandin’ that fuckin’ giant dipshit so fah r’out tah sea that yah can’t even see his dumb ass drownin’ from the top deck’ah Maersk’s triple-ee ocean linah when his dad Odin comes outtah the front doohr n’ is like, “WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!?”

’N this bein’ on accoun’ah the fact that he had expressly fahbid Thor tah go fishin’ since Thor’s grades’d been suckin’ balls lately n’ on top’ah that he got caught havin’ a pahty ovah at Odin’s house the othah week when Odin was outtah town doin’ his fuckin’ Gandalf thing ovah in Middle-Earth somewhere n’ it got real fuckin’ outtah hand n’ the cops showed up n’ it was a real fuckin’ mess with all these undah-age minahs n’ fuckin’ hahd liquah allovah the fuckin’ place n’ I don’t even know how the whole thing didn’t even make the evenin’ news but then he sees that Thor’s feelin’ all down n’ depressed n’ he’s like, “Ah shit, son, what’s the mattah, those fuckin’ giants pickin’ on yah ‘gain?”

N’ Thor just kindah looks all sheepish n’ he looks down at his feet n’ is like, “Nah…”

N’ so then Odin’s asks him ‘gain n’ this time he even goes so fah r’as tah threaten tah get his demon hound dogs out tah go on a wild hunt fah some fuckin’ giant ass.

But Thor’s just like, “Nah dad, it’s not that, yah know, it’s just that fuckin’ snake is what it is.” ‘Cause Thor’d almost had him this time. N’ Thor, he really fuckin’ hates that fuckin’ sehrpent. They’re fuckin’ mohrtal enemies.

So now Odin leans back n’ he’s feelin’ a little relieved that his kid didn’t get hassled by those bullies ‘cause he don’t want tah see his kid committin’ suicide due to bullshit diffrences’ah teenage populahrity but he alsah sees poohr Thor’s feelin’ real down so he’s like, “Hey Thor, I know what’ll chee’ah yah right up. All the othah guys ahr out in the back right now throwin’ shit at yah youngah brothah fah fun, why don’t you go out n’ join ‘em?”

N’ so ah’couhrse Thor’s like, “Shit! That sounds fuckin’ awesome.” So he goes out back where evuhryone else is throwin’ shit at his youngah brothah Balder.

Now I mean they’re throwin’ all sohrts a shit at poohr Balder. He’s gettin’ fuckin’ freshly shahpened hockey skates thrown at him, fuckin’ DD’s cups, fuckin’ lobstah traps, hell I think one guy even threw the city’s entiyah fuckin’ 2015 wintah snowpile at the poohr son’ah a bitch. But I think this helped chee’ah poohr Thor up since, yah know, he fuckin’ thrives on violence.

This is true. He alsah thrives on booze.

Sehriously.

He’s like the wohrld’s ahriginal violent drunk, only he’s alsah sweet as a teddy beahr n’ fuckin’ child-friendly as shit.

Fuck! I wish Thor was here right now, he’d show us how—

NICE SHOT!!!

Did yah see that shot?

Shit! It was so fuckin’ close! Goddamn. Seguin’s got a wicked good wristshot. Fuckin’ Crawford needs tah fuckin’ go blow himself…

Yeah, yeah, right, okay, so Balder, he’s fuckin’ dead.

The gods, they fuckin’ killed his ass by throwin’ all that shit at him.

Uhh…nah, it actually wasn’t the snowpile that did it. It was like, uh, uh, fuck, my mind’s goin’ blank on me…

—mistletoe! That was it! Fuckin’ Balder got killed by a fuckin’ piece’ah mistletoe!

Ah, so, uh, lemme see, so it was like, a little eahrliah on, Balder, he was havin’ all these wicked weirhd nightmahrs ‘bout fuckin’ dyin’ n’ all which I guess is what they call fohrshadowing, but what the fuck do I know?

But anyway, this freaked the guy out so he went n’ he told Odin n’ evuhryone else ‘bout it since he’s a real chahmah n’ he likes bein’ the centah’ ah attention anyway n’ so all the gods, they did the whole shrink thing fah r’awhile n’ then they decided that the best thing tah do in this pahticulah situation ‘ould be tah have Frigg go ‘round the whole wide wohrld n’ have evuhry livin’ n’ non-livin’ thing in existence sweahr tah nevah evah evah evah evah huhrt poohr fuckin’ Balder, evah. So she goes ‘round n’ she’s gets evuhry single one’ah these things tah sweahr tah this.

Oh, look, 2nd pehriod’s ovah… CHELSEA!!! CHELSEA!!!

What?!?

Huh?…no, I am not slurring.

Yes, we ahr fine n’ we’d like anothah pitchah’ah, please. Rhodie’s finest.

Don’t you wahrry, you wahrry too much. Why would we ‘cause yah any trouble?

… we’re just sittin’ hee’ah, enjoyin’ the game, even though they’re skatin’ like a bunch’ah fuckin’ chickens with their heads cut off…

Thanks, Chelsea.

Shit… fuckin’ Chicago. Blackhawks my ass.

But anyway, so now Balder thinks he’s fuckin’ invincible. Ah maybe I should say all the othah gods think he’s invincible, ‘cause this is when they all stahted tossin’ MBTA snowballs n’ empty bee’ah bottles n’ shit at the guy since nothin’ can kill him, right. Since Frigg got evuhyrthing on the whole planet ah wohrld tree ah whatevah the fuck it is tah promise not tah huhrt him.

So like that shahpened hockey skate that Skadi just threw at him? Fuckin’ just bounced right off his fuckin’ face without leavin’ so much as a scratch. Same thing with that green line train that Thor fuckin’ threw at his head…

… I don’t know… I think Frey pry threw a fuckin’ baculum at the guy.

Baculum?

It’s like a walrus dick bone. I mean, that’s just the type’ah thing Frey’d do yah know? Guy’s got a one-track mind; he can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout dicks.

Yeah — hey, yah evah google those pictyahs’ah Frey like I told yah to?

Good.

But, yah know, it’s not like I’m assumin’ poohr Balder liked havin’ some fuckin’ 3 foot long fossilized walrus dick bone thrown at his head. I mean, even if you’re fuckin’ invincible, who wants a fuckin’ walrus dick bone thrown at his head?

Fuckin’ like, in Alaska they polish n’ decuhrate these dick bones n’ use ‘em as tools n’ magic wands n’ shit, I mean they’re supposed tah be highly reveeah’d ah somethin’ by the Alaskan abahriginals…

I don’t know!

I’m not some dick bone expuhrt. Go ask a fuckin’ bahnie. I bet they fuckin’ love dick bones ovah at Hahvahd. They’re all ‘bout showin’ throbbin’ crimson shafts a little love ovah there.