Welcome to the Puppet Brothel, an innovator in the adult entertainment industry. Our team members are standing by to broker relations between consenting men and women, and hundreds of unique, funny, even horrifying puppets. While there are many businesses that cater to traditional forms of intercourse, we are the only purveyors of puppet prostitution, as far as we know.
About Our Team
We are seventeen members of the now defunct “In It To Our Elbows Puppet Ensemble,” which closed its doors in March due to a lack of community support. Many people who lost jobs during the economic downturn simply moved back in with their parents. That was not possible for our staff. Often when parents discover children spending their college tuition majoring in puppetry, they vow never to provide financial support in the future, even in dire circumstances. From having no place to live, coupled with a fear of starving to death and an uncanny ability to maneuver inanimate dolls, Puppet Brothel was born.
Our Mission
Chances are your peers might find it curious, even disturbing, for an adult to seek passion from a lifelike doll with a simulated-yet-enticing personality. We hope to change society’s views of people-puppet copulation, and revolutionize the sex industry in the process. How many times have you visited your local brothel, only to discover you’ve contracted a sexually transmitted disease that is wreaking havoc on your immune system and marriage? At Puppet Brothel, every puppet escort is laundered in hot water, deloused and dry-cleaned before being put back on our wrists.
Is It Cheating?
Are you dishonoring your marriage by being manually manipulated by funny dolls on the end of marionette strings and strangers’ arms? We don’t think so either.
Ethical Adultery
Each time a customer has sex with one of our puppets, we donate $1 to the Local Puppeteers Guild. We understand how unimaginative monogamous sex can become. We offer a wide array of puppet hookers for both sexes, and we encourage husbands and wives to visit our brothel together. Studies show that spouses are forgiving of partners who visit Puppet Brothel, more so than those who opt for the more expensive and weapon-friendly traditional whorehouse. But don’t take our word for it—ask your partner if he or she would rather you have sex with a human stranger in a seedy motel, or with a wacky, inanimate penguin figurine.
How Does It Work?
You choose your puppets and price point, then lie back while our puppetry pimps weave their magic. Hand puppets, sock puppets, marionettes, shadow puppets, giant heads with forty-foot puppet trains if you’re into that type of thing. Ever fantasized about a ménage-a-puppet with a dragon and a many-armed monster? We can make it happen. Our pimps are trained to blend in with the room’s décor, like ninjas, or successful puppeteers. If customers even suspect we are present, we’ll give them a free finger puppet massage on their next visit. (Offer valid for one finger puppet only; charges may apply if puppet is stained or besmirched during massage).
Is It Legal?
We’re not entirely sure. There are currently no federal or state laws prohibiting business establishments from offering clients sex with puppets in exchange for money, food or job leads, according to Wikipedia.
Prices
Make us an offer. We rent some of the puppets by the hour, so special requests might require refundable deposits.
Tipping
That’s between you and the puppet you had sex with. At the end of your session, our puppeteers exit the room and leave the puppet(s) on the bedpost(s) for you to say your goodbyes. If you feel relaxed or grateful or guilty—whatever you’re feeling, really—go ahead and leave a few bucks in the puppet’s hand(s).
Locations
Visit us at our flagship location in the basement of St. Michaels Community Center, except for every other Wednesday when we share the space with Ron Paul’s Presidential Campaign Committee. Coming soon, our new location in Greg’s wife’s parents’ living room when we housesit next month while they’re on a cruise.
Jon Methven’s debut novel, This Is Your Captain Speaking, is available for purchase at the bookseller of your choice.