How did you sleep last night?
Not great, honestly.
How come?
Look, I wasn’t going to tell you, Holly, because I know you get freaked out by this stuff, but I saw a ghost in our bedroom.
Oh my god. I told you we shouldn’t have moved into this old house, Greg.
I know. She just appeared out of nowhere and was, like, trying to teach me Spanish for a while. And the crazy thing is that I took Spanish in high school, but I couldn’t remember shit last night.
Wait, what?
I said I took Spanish in high school, but I don’t remember shit. She must think I’m an idiot.
What are you talking about?
I told my parents back then that my brain can’t think about languages like that, and I was right. And now this ghost is up my ass about it.
Greg. Can you please focus? Was this, like, an evil spirit kind of ghost?
I would say more strict than evil, but I could see her getting super pissed if I keep blowing it like I did last night. She asked me to tell her my name in Spanish and I said, “Si amo e Greg.”
So?
That’s not how you say it, Holly, those are all the wrong words except for “Greg.”
What are all those papers in your hand?
She gave me some worksheets. Word matches and vocabulary puzzles, that sort of thing. She’s trying to make it fun which I totally appreciate, but it’s a lot and it’s literally all due tonight. Can you quiz me later?
You have homework? No, I’m not quizzing you! And I’m also not sleeping in the bedroom tonight.
I feel like you’re blaming me right now, even though I can’t help it if this ghost is haunting me weird.
I’ll be in the guest room.
Did she show up again last night?
See for yourself.
She graded it?
That’s what the big fat D+ on the page means, yeah. I told you I don’t remember shit. It would have been really nice if you quizzed me like I asked you to.
Okay, listen. I’m not quizzing you and also you don’t have to take this stupid ghost class or whatever this is. Just tell her that tonight. Tell her you’re not doing it, maybe she’ll go away.
Oh yeah, right, okay. Sure. I’ll just tell her I’m not doing the class. She will fail me so hard, Holly. She won’t think twice about doing that. What aren’t you getting about this?
Just do it.
You seem really upset about this even though you’re not the one who’s being haunted in a very unconventional manner, but fine. I’ll try.
So, did you talk to her last night?
Yeah, she was fine with it.
See! I told you.
I’m kidding, Holly. She was not fine with it. She was so pissed. She said it showed a total lack of follow-through, and she’s not wrong about that, and you know it. It’s the story of my life, this is a pattern, open your eyes.
I don’t want this ghost in our house, Greg. She needs to go! Do you understand that? Because I feel like you don’t.
That’s why I need to get my grade up and finish this out, then maybe she’ll leave. This could be the only shot at a normal life together, don’t you see that?
Did this lady, by any chance, say why she’s teaching you Spanish?
Because by the year 2050 the US will be the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world, and she feels like not being bilingual is short-sighted. She has so many statistics like that.
She’s expecting you to be bilingual after this class?
She’s helping me build a pathway to conversational proficiency, which, if I’m being honest, is starting to sound pretty great.
You know what, I’m going to sleep back in our bedroom tonight. I want to meet this bitch.
I wouldn’t if I were you.
What do you mean?
She’s just not a huge fan.
Of me?
She’s not an idiot, Holly. She knows that your attitude about me learning Spanish stinks and that you’ve been holding me back and not quizzing me.
You talk about me with her?
You’ve come up, I’ll put it that way. But that’s not the point, the point is—are you going to help me study or not?
You know what, screw it. I’ll help.
Great, let’s start with the number worksheets, once I hit catorce I can’t think straight.
You look happy this morning. What’s with the smile?
Look.
B+? Wow, that’s an improvement.
I know, right? That’s what Carmen said, too.
Oh.
She’s a great teacher.
Seems like the studying we did together helped too.
She makes learning fun, I guess is what I’m trying to say.
What does she … Carmen even look like anyway? I mean I know she’s a creepy ghost but if you had to describe …
… Sofia Vergara.
Oh. She’s pretty?
I’m so in the weeds with this Spanish stuff that I don’t even look at her or smell or perfume or anything like that. It’s not like that. By 2050, the US will be the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world, Holly. There are so many other statistics too.
The ghost wears perfume?
I don’t know what she called it. Body spray? All I know is that I didn’t remember shit before she got here and now I’m building a pathway to conversational proficiency. I’m finally doing something I can feel good about. I feel orgulloso, Holly, which means “proud” in Spanish.
Well, you know, I’m … orgulloso of you too. Maybe I don’t say that enough.
Thanks.
But I still want her out of here.
Let’s just stick to the plan. Before we know it, she’ll be taking her G-string and high-heels and floating right out of here so we can just get back to us.
Is she a fucking stripper? Wait, is that why there’s glitter on the worksheets?
I don’t know what she was when she was alive, but probably. All I know for sure is that she’s dead now and that she’s a top-notch educator who smells like coconuts.
Morning. Listen, I’ve been thinking and I see that it’s stressing you out that there’s an ex-stripper ghost who’s now a teacher in our bedroom. I get that now, okay? So I’m going to talk to her tonight and tell her to leave.
No, it’s fine. You don’t have to do that.
Really? Since when?
I just don’t think I should be judging you about it anymore.
You mean that? Why are you acting weird? Are you blushing?
Am I? Huh. It’s crazy, but in the guest room last night I actually also saw a ghost.
Another ghost?
His name is Clay, and he’s teaching me stuff too.
Oh. What subject? And don’t say Spanish, because that would be too weird, ha.
Sex ed, I guess?
That’s not Spanish.
I need to go take a nap. That spirit can fuck.