McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
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Articles by
Brian Bennett
Brian performs in Chicago, under no pseudonym.
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January 29, 2019I Love How Our Country Has Made Me Obscenely Wealthy, and That’s Why I Am Seriously Considering Running for President as a Centrist Independent
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August 17, 2018Welcome to The Middle, an Enchanted Land Where Compromise and Civility Get Results
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September 27, 2017Buzzfeed’s Coverage of the Nuclear Apocalypse (Sponsored by Sobe® Lifewater®)
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August 3, 2017Help Save Democracy By Passively Receiving Our Fundraising Emails
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March 6, 2017I Have Traveled Here From the Present to Warn You About Global Warming
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May 17, 2016Hi, I Am a Delegate — A Non-Superdelegate
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October 15, 2024I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
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October 28, 2024The Starfleet Gazette Will Not Be Endorsing a Candidate for President of the United Federation of Planets
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November 1, 2024I Will Be Away from My Desk on November 6
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November 1, 2024270 Reasons: Because on January 6, I Was More Afraid Working at the Capitol Than During My Entire Army Deployment to Iraq
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November 1, 2024Template for Donald Trump’s “I Don’t Accept the Election Results” Speeches
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October 31, 2024This Election Wouldn’t Be So Close If My Historically Unpopular Opponent Wasn’t Such a Shrewd Campaigner