“Failing history. Insists on listing all dates as ‘Before Me’ and ‘After Me.’ Guidance counselor says that he is ‘unusually egocentric for a child of his age.’”

“Chews gum during class. Once, when I asked if he’d ‘brought enough for the whole class,’ Jesus pulled the wad from his mouth, broke it into many pieces, and gave it to his little friends. Then, everyone was chewing gum. He knew that’s not what I meant.”

“Keeps washing his classmates’ feet. It is very cute, but the floor is soaked. I slipped and nearly broke my neck.”

“Talks out loud to his imaginary friend during class. Told the other children there’s a ‘Holy Ghost’ in the room, which made some of them cry.”

“Failing math. Can multiply seventy by seven, but is adamant that the number three is the same as the number one. Consider screening for dyscalculia.”

“Keeps bringing his pet bird to school. I don’t care if it’s a dove. It’s not hygienic.”

“Turned in a very confusing family tree project. Accordion-folded, so when I opened it, the ‘begets’ rolled all the way out to the parking lot. At the end, the father’s branch was labeled NOT MY REAL DAD. Problems at home?”

“Disrupts health class. Shares inaccurate information about how babies are made.”

“Truancy. Wandered off in the middle of the day to go teach at the temple, which is rich. Maybe he can try passing a class here first.”

“Fermented all the juice boxes during snack time. I can’t prove it. But I know he did it.”

“Somehow brought the class hamster back to life. Not strictly breaking a rule, I guess, but it feels like that shouldn’t be allowed?”

“Promotes misbehavior. Today, Jesus’s cousin John was running ahead of him through the halls, yelling, ‘PREPARE THE WAY FOR THE LORD!’ Later, on the playground, several children told me that John was putting honey on bugs and eating them. I am convinced that Jesus dared him to.”

“Forged parental signature on permission slip. When confronted, he claimed that ‘I and the Father are One.’”

“Told another student that ‘my dad can smite thy dad.’ Later, the other student’s father was late for pickup because he fell off a ladder and shattered his collarbone. Does this mean something?”

“Disrupts PE. On the first day of swimming class, he stood in the middle of the pool—on top of the water. Pandemonium. When told this was not allowed, he parted the waters and refused to put them back. How is he doing all this? Am I losing it?”

“In response to the strict ‘no-birds’ policy, he made a clay bird during art class. Then he passed his hands over it, and bam—another dove. I am this close to quitting my job.”

“Told me that he would ‘die for [my] sins’ after I put him in detention. What does that even mean? Is that a threat? Should I hotline this? Please advise.”

“Caused a panic during Career Day. I thought Joseph would be coming to talk to the kids about building tables. The clouds parted. The voice, the light… I don’t understand it, but for god’s sake, just pass him.”