ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE
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The Real Thirteen Keys for Winning the White House
“This key is awarded if the candidate can persuade the public that they are conscious. Not environmentally conscious or socially conscious; that has never mattered. Rather, voters love knowing that the person they elect is able to perceive the external world.” -
I Will Trample Your Freedom by Getting IVF Treatments
“I can’t wait to trample your freedom with my own personal decisions. There’s gonna be so much trampling up in here, and by ‘here,’ I mean my uterus. But also up in your rights, somehow, in a way I’m not totally clear about.” -
Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
An Open Letter to Love Is Blind Producers About Why We Need a Lesbian Season
“If it wasn’t for lesbians, we wouldn’t even have the concept of forcing all of your friends and family to meet the new love of your life, only to break up with her a few days later.” -
Lists
A Sociological Guide to the Parents at Your Local Playground
“The mom looking at her phone”
This will make you feel like such a better parent than her that you will have no choice but to get out your phone and post about it. -
Feedback for Glenn Danzig, the New Guy in Our Writing Workshop
“The omelet of disease. Awaits your noontime meal. Her mouth of germicide. Seducing all your glands.”
What’s your overarching goal in this section, Glenn? Is this a pointed critique of lunch?
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October 15, 2024I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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October 15, 2024Is It Perimenopause or the Fascist Death Knell of Late-Stage Capitalism?
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
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October 11, 2024Brutally Honest Instructions for Visiting a Pumpkin Patch
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October 9, 2024Leaked Transcript of the Secret Meeting Where Democrats Control the Weather
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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October 17, 2024McSweeney’s Books: An Excerpt from The Four Deportations of Jean Marseille
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October 16, 2024Short Conversations with Poets: Catherine Barnett
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October 15, 2024270 Reasons: Because They Seem to Really Like Our Country
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October 11, 2024270 Reasons: Because Kamala Harris Can Say the Word “Abortion”
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October 9, 2024270 Reasons: Because the American Experiment Is on the Defensive
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September 30, 2024Short Conversations with Poets: Rick Barot
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September 26, 2024Reviews of New Food: Kit Kat Ghost Toast
News & Announcements
Over in the Store
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Hark. Behold The McSweeney’s Advent Calendar
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“A key barometer of the literary climate.” —The New York Times
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“This novel is a folding chair to the back of the head.”
—David James Poissant, author of Lake Life and The Heaven of Animals -
“It's not just that I trust Sam Sax's imagination. My sincere belief is that Sam's creative freedom unlocks the potential for our liberation.”
—Saeed Jones
Recent Posts
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October 15, 2024I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About
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October 15, 2024Is It Perimenopause or the Fascist Death Knell of Late-Stage Capitalism?
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October 15, 2024I, Elon Musk, Will Pay Forty-Seven Dollars to Anyone Who Can Figure Out What’s Wrong with Me
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October 11, 2024I Wish I Went Before Mary Shelley in This Storytelling Contest
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October 11, 2024Brutally Honest Instructions for Visiting a Pumpkin Patch
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