ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE
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I Don’t Hate Women Candidates. I Just Thought an Erratic and Vindictive Criminal Was Worthier of My Vote Than a Woman Candidate
“Maybe Kamala should have explained the merits of Bidenomics better, or gone on Joe Rogan, or done one other thing that would have convinced me to vote for her over a climate denier who’s going to put a vaccine denier in charge of healthcare.” -
Voters of America as Explained by Their Pants
Cat-Hair-Covered Yoga Pants: Voted for Harris
Toupee-Hair-Covered Suit Pants: Voted for Trump
Bear-Hair-Covered Vintage L.L.Bean Board Shorts: Wrote in “RFK Jr. + The Worm” -
Lists
“I Voted” Stickers for Voters Outside Swing States
“So it’s come to this? I’m invested in
what happens in Nevada from now on? Jesus.” -
Election Day 2024 Bingo
FREE SPACE: Trump declares victory before the polls close. -
Don’t Worry—This Is Exactly How the Founding Fathers Intended You to Feel on Election Day
“Election Day should feel like seasonal depression on Four Loko. Benjamin Franklin said that.”
Trending
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November 1, 2024I Will Be Away from My Desk on November 6
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October 28, 2024The Starfleet Gazette Will Not Be Endorsing a Candidate for President of the United Federation of Planets
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
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October 15, 2024I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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October 24, 2024So, You’re Addicted to Reading the Polls
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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November 5, 2024270 Reasons: Because They Seem to Really Like Our Country
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November 5, 2024270 Reasons: Because the American Experiment Is on the Defensive
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November 4, 2024270 Reasons: Because There Are No Rights, No Freedoms That Some Extremists Won’t Try to Take From Us
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November 1, 2024270 Reasons: Because on January 6, I Was More Afraid Working at the Capitol Than During My Entire Army Deployment to Iraq
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October 31, 2024270 Reasons: Because If You Don’t Want to Live in The Handmaid’s Tale, You Really Need to Vote Harris-Walz
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October 30, 2024270 Reasons: Because Her Policies, Character, and Leadership Ethos Align with My Core Values as a Veteran
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October 28, 2024270 Reasons: Because Kamala Harris Is an Ally to the Queer Community
Over in the Store
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“A key barometer of the literary climate.” —The New York Times -
“A beautiful magical artifact for every wizard's library!”
—Pendleton Ward, Emmy-award winning creator of Adventure Time -
25 years, 75 issues, celebrate with 10 never-before-published voices. -
To order this title for just five dollars when you subscribe to The Believer, click here. A collection of riotously entertaining columns, written for The Believer magazine during its years in...
Recent Posts
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November 4, 2024Eeyore’s Tips for Election Day Self-Care
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November 3, 2024Based on Our Election Forecast, We Are 100 Percent Sure Anything Could Fucking Happen
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November 1, 2024I Will Be Away from My Desk on November 6
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November 1, 2024Template for Donald Trump’s “I Don’t Accept the Election Results” Speeches
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October 31, 2024This Election Wouldn’t Be So Close If My Historically Unpopular Opponent Wasn’t Such a Shrewd Campaigner
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