ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE
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Positive Affirmations for Terrified Public School Teachers
“When the King James Bible becomes the only textbook I’m permitted to use, the kids are going to get a kick out of reading aloud from all the passages containing the word ‘ass.’ Then guess who’s suddenly going to be the cool teacher?” -
An Imagined Conversation Between the People Who Designed Urban Apartment Balconies
DESIGNER 1: The investors want us to make extremely small urban apartments more enjoyable. Got any ideas?
DESIGNER 2: Yes. Extremely small balconies.
DESIGNER 1: That’s genius. How small are we talking?
DESIGNER 2: Just big enough for one person to stand. -
A Typical First Date with a Guy in Boston, Chicago, or New York
HOW YOU MET:
Boston: Attended the same biotech industry mixer.
Chicago: Saw each other’s reflection in the Bean during golden hour.
New York: Almost sat in the same pee puddle on the C train. -
How Mrs. Claus Is Going to Survive till December 25
Venting with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny over FaceTime.
“Did y’all see they’re putting tariffs on tinsel, wreaths, and mistletoe?” -
Introducing the First-Ever Smart Thermostat for Perimenopausal People
“Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any space to 28 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously warming it to 114.”
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December 3, 2024A Faculty Member’s Self-Evaluation at the End of the Semester
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December 4, 2024Your 2024 Therapy Wrapped
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December 6, 2024We Need to Save the Men
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December 4, 2024Updated Movie Ratings
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December 5, 2024UnitedHealthcare Is Now Medicare For All
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December 2, 2024Template for Trump Supporters Outraged over Hunter Biden’s Pardon
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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December 11, 2024Letters to Moms: A Letter to Kevin McCallister’s Mom
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December 6, 2024Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Musician Jack Stratton
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December 4, 2024Announcing the International Library of Youth Writing
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November 29, 2024Excerpts from The Believer: Resurrector: Signs
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November 22, 2024Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Filmmaker and Musician Boots Riley
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November 12, 2024How Much Do You Need?
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November 8, 2024Short Conversations with Poets: Kwame Dawes
News & Announcements
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“A key barometer of the literary climate.” —The New York Times -
“A beautiful magical artifact for every wizard's library!”
—Pendleton Ward, Emmy-award winning creator of Adventure Time -
To order this title for just five dollars when you subscribe to The Believer, click here. A collection of riotously entertaining columns, written for The Believer magazine during its years in... -
25 years, 75 issues, celebrate with 10 never-before-published voices.
Recent Posts
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December 9, 2024I’m the Music Supervisor for All Those Netflix Reality Dating Shows
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December 6, 2024The Democrats Plan a Holiday Party
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December 5, 2024Gender Is Determined by God, Biology, and the Highest Governing Body of Some Random Sport
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