Hello! As you can see, I’m a professional wedding photographer; thanks so much for stopping at my booth. A little about me: I’m 39 years old, single, and I am ready to photograph your wedding!

Take a look at my work: I’ve got a unique eye and I create a visual journal of personal moments, like your vows, during which, as a professional, I assure you I will not sigh heavily.

I have 18 years of professional photography experience. I will take traditional posed photos as well as fun candid shots that capture the atmosphere of the day. I will not wear my shortest black leather skirt, continuously drop my lens cap near the groom, and then bend over seductively to pick it up. In fact, I always leave my lens cap at home so this doesn’t happen!

I consistently rate among Brides magazine’s “top 10” wedding photographers. That’s a reputation you can count on. You can also count on the fact that I would never pay my cousin Phil to steal a kiss from the bride in a way that makes it look like she’s totally into it, take a Polaroid, and then pull the groom aside before the ceremony and say, “I know it’s not my place to say anything, but you need to see this … I’m so sorry. Did you want to go for a walk or something?”

I’m a hometown girl! I graduated at the top of my class at Temple University in 1991, and returned two years later for a Master of Fine Arts degree.

Now, if I find that I do, in fact, need that lens cap, trust that I will not beg the groom to drive me to my apartment so I can get it, and then, once we’re there, convince him to help me look for my lens cap in my new deluxe shower.

I will make you a DVD slideshow of your photos set to your favorite love songs!

Once in the shower, frantically searching for my lens cap, I will not block the shower door, turn on the warm water, and say, “Whoops, I just remembered … That lens cap is hidden somewhere on my soft, fertile, supple body, a body that needs and deserves love just like anybody else … in fact, just like your bride does … Oh God, what have I become?” and then reach over, unlock the shower door, and scream, “Go to her!”

I know Photoshop, Aperture, and Final Cut.

You will not find me later, still soaking wet from the shower, hiding out in your reception hall’s boiler room, smoking a marijuana cigarette, and telling your 8-year-old flower girl, “You know, Madison, love doesn’t exist. You’re gonna die alone.”

Oh, almost forgot! If you refer a friend, you get 25 percent off all your services. Then I’ll see you folks again at someone else’s wedding!

I will cut the brake lines on zero limousines.

So, here’s my card! I can’t wait to shoot you. With my camera, of course! Not my gun. Ha! My gun is in my car.