Dear Candidate,

Thank you for your application. Should we move forward, here are the stages you can expect to encounter as you advance during a typical interview process with our team:

  • Fifteen-minute introductory phone call with the recruiter
  • Thirty-minute Zoom interview with the hiring manager to discuss strengths, weaknesses, and the last thing you binged on Netflix
  • Unpaid test requiring three months of work to be completed in seventy-two hours
  • Two-week pause for suspense
  • Enthusiastic “circle back” email from our recruiter in which they almost get your name right but not quite
  • On-site tailoring session to measure your bandwidth
  • Astrological reading to see whether your star sign aligns with our company’s north star
  • One-on-one with the hiring manager to confirm their first impression of you wasn’t influenced by their mood, phases of the moon, or an argument they had with their mother
  • Panel interview to assess your willingness to collaborate, accept feedback, and share the pasta salad you brought for lunch
  • Unpaid personal essay on “what my work family means to me”
  • Quick “touch base” with two assistants and a karaoke machine to see if you’d be fun at holiday parties
  • On-site assessment at your local grocery store to see how you compare apples to apples, peel back the onion, and turn a lemon into lemonade
  • Dietary survey to see how you’d tolerate Potluck Tuesdays
  • Unpaid focus group with six average Americans from Des Moines to see if they think you’d be a good cultural fit
  • Talent competition (location TBA)
  • Online screening to match with a work wife or husband
  • TSA emotional baggage check (regional travel roles only)
  • Unpaid test to create an irreverent Slack emoji that is funny enough to make our team laugh but not so funny that it offends our CEO
  • Three-week pause while our finance department pretends we can’t afford you
  • Final call with our recruiter to ensure this won’t be the worst decision they’ve ever made
  • Offer sent via DocuSign, or via DoorDash with your Thai delivery
  • Google survey to provide feedback on our interview process
  • Self-evaluation on how you could have made this process more seamless for everyone

We look forward to meeting with you (as many times as it takes).

Good luck,
Your potential employer