President Trump has announced a sweeping plan of tariffs against dozens of nations, including the Antarctic Heard and McDonald Islands, which are uninhabited by humans but very much inhabited by penguins. The fake liberal media criticized this as a mistake, but Trump’s tariffs are actually a brilliant long-term strategy to help America win the war against birds.
Birds have taken advantage of America’s generosity for too long. Every year, millions of illegal and undocumented birds cross the border into American airspace. These birds come here to commit criminal acts (e.g., pooping on Teslas) and to take our jobs (e.g., pooping on Teslas). There are even reports that some birds fly in violent gangs called “murders,” probably to support Hamas.
Every day, good Americans face the dangerous threat of birds. Birds are not the cute, harmless animals depicted in the mainstream media. Birds have sharp beaks that can poke American eyes, talons that can stab American hearts, and feathers that can tickle American noses and cause American sneezes.
The war against birds is long overdue. This is especially true on the trade front. Since Trump came into office, American families have been suffering through the rising costs of consumer goods, including the price of eggs. You know who makes eggs? Birds! Trump is fighting for our rights by getting to the very source of the problem.
Trump’s tariffs against the penguins will revitalize the American economy. The Heard and McDonald Islands have exploited our nation’s economy for decades. Now, instead of paying exorbitantly high prices for penguin-made products, American consumers will revitalize the American ice and freshly vomited fish industries.
Now, some may say that birds are not our enemies and, in fact, could be considered our longtime allies. After all, what about the role of carrier pigeons in helping us fight fascism in World War II? Others may say that birds are not our enemies, but have been our victims—caged, killed, forced to labor, detained against their will, trafficked across state lines, deprived of legal representation. We’ve taken their lands, stolen their children, and destroyed the environmental factors they need to survive. Blah, blah, blah. These arguments are woke and DEI, and the United States has never betrayed its allies or victimized any populations ever.
The good news is President Trump and his administration are setting us on the right path in the War Against Birds. Under the leadership of Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the bird flu no longer exists (or, at least, no research or vaccines for it exist anymore). Elon Musk’s DOGE has defunded national parks, well-known to be crime-ridden hellholes where birds congregate to plan anti-American activities. And the administration’s strong push to eliminate DEI will ensure that no birds will ever again get the unfair advantages (wings, hollow bones) that have literally elevated them above everyday Americans.
Fortunately for the American people, the president’s tariffs are hitting important enemies, like birds, and not important friends, like Russia. Sure, Trump’s indiscriminate tariffs were calculated based on essentially no logical basis and will likely cause trillions in economic loss for America. And, sure, the average consumer will bear the brunt of it, and we may very well be on the edge of the next Great Depression. But remember that birds are the enemy, Trump is always right, and anything bad that might happen will be Joe Biden’s fault.
Now, the president’s plan is brilliant, of course, but it isn’t perfect. We need to push harder. Tax all birds, not just penguins. Place a 25 percent tariff on all avian exports. Support mammalian manufacturing. Disband the Audubon Society.
Then, once victorious, we commence the war against reptiles.