Who among us has not based the occasional quip upon the similarity in naming conventions used for those three groups of cartoon characters — the Smurfs, the Seven Dwarfs, and the Spice Girls? Dopey Spice, for instance, might prove a valuable addition to the band, while Ginger Dwarf is too horrible to contemplate.
In the following law-enforcement procedural, each blank can be filled in with a phrase that is an anagram of a conflated Spice/Smurfs/Dwarfs character. For example:
After inhaling the cayenne pepper, he let loose a ________.
SPICY SNEEZE = SNEEZY SPICE
Choose a character name from the first list and a surname from the second list. Three names in the first list will go unused, and none of the others will be used more than once. Each surname in the second will be used at least one time.
In your answers, please provide both the phrases and the corresponding character names. (Unlike the example, the phrases in the puzzle are not semantically related to the names.)
CHARACTER NAMES
Grumpy
Handy
Hefty
Papa
Posh
Scary
Sleepy
Sporty
CHARACTER SURNAMES
Smurf
Spice
Dwarf
“Where is everybody?” asked Sponsky, the desk sergeant at the 21st Precinct.
“They’re out at that anti-peace protest at the U.N.,” replied Jameson. “You know how it is with kids these days. A few of them start yelling ‘Bomb Afghanistan!’ or ‘Attack Iraq!’ and all their friends have to join in. Before you know it, they’ve started another one of these _____________ and it takes half the force to keep them in line.”
“Well, I wish I was out there too,” Sponsky griped, putting the finishing touches on yet another incident report. “All I do is sit here and _____________ around all day.”
“Shhh! It’s Esposito!” hissed Jameson.
“What the hell is he doing here?” The highest-ranking member of the whole Police Department wasn’t a common sight around the precinct house.
“And look who he’s got with him!” Marching reluctantly next to Esposito was a handcuffed Vinnie Panini, the notorious Mafioso, collector of logoed apparel, and scourge of marine life everywhere.
“We got him this time, boys!” Esposito beamed. “Caught him red-handed killing a humpback whale!”
Sponsky whistled. They’d brought Panini in before for Neon Tetra abuse and Red Swordtail theft. But those were strictly _____________ compared to something like this.
Esposito sat down at Sponsky’s ancient Underwood and began to peck out an arrest warrant. “That’s an endangered species, Panini. You’re going away for a long time.”
“You’ll never make it stick, Esposito,” Panini spat defiantly, adjusting his Budweiser tie.
“I suggest you just sit there nice and quiet while the _____________ up the charges,” Jameson advised as he inventoried the mobster’s possessions.
“Take care of my stuff,” Panini said. “I’ll be walking outta here soon and when I do, there better be _____________ on my head.”
ANSWERS.
Nine entrants filled in all five blanks correctly. They are: Mark Davies, Jed Scott, Matthew Blakstad, Andrew Kraft, Mark Mathis, Ian Baker, George Long, Nick Woodhead, and David Provost.
The winner of a McSweeney’s book, chosen at random, is Nick Woodhead.
The answers are as follows:
1. Before you know it, they’ve started another one of these WAR-CRY FADS (SCARY DWARF) and it takes half the force to keep them in line."
2. “All I do is sit here and PUSH FORMS (POSH SMURF) around all day.”
3. They’d brought Panini in before for Neon Tetra abuse and Red Swordtail theft. But those were strictly GUPPY CRIMES (GRUMPY SPICE) compared to something like this.
4. “I suggest you just sit there nice and quiet while the CHIEF TYPES (HEFTY SPICE) up the charges,”
5. “I’ll be walking outta here soon and when I do, there better be A PEPSI CAP (PAPA SPICE) on my head.”
THE JED SCOTT CASE
Jed Scott wrote:
“I felt bad for Handy, Sleepy, and Sporty being left out of the game. Here’s a possible continuation of the story…”
Panini continued, “I was enjoying myself on that pier. It was a ______________ before you showed up.”
Esposito didn’t react well to the criminal’s tone. He shouted with ____________ into solitary and lose the key!"
Sponsky and Jameson took Panini away, and returned, slapping each other on the back. “What a great catch,” Jameson opined.
Esposito just shook his head. “I’d be a little more ______________ if I knew what he was doing with that whale.”
(See the bottom of this page for the answers.)
NOT SMURFY
Ian Baker offered a few other anagrams in the way of impolite suggestions. One was SPRUCE MY PIG (Grumpy Spice) and the other one is not repeatable (but you can craft it yourself out of “Sleepy Smurf”)
A GOOD EFFORT, MR. FAWLTY
The unpronounceable “rpt pts” (or “rbt pts,” his address proclaims it both ways) had a few entertaining and plausible near misses among his guesses.
1. POWDRY FARTS (sporty dwarf) or
“PCP YES!” RIOTS (sporty spice)
3. RACY PISCES (scary spice)
YOU CAN’T GO TO THAT GRUMPY SPICE WELL TOO OFTEN
And Megan Cohen didn’t get all five, but we much enjoyed the defense of her answers:
“As for those war-mongering youths, I firmly believe they’ve started another one of these ELF SUM PYRES (Sleepy Smurf). If practicing addition on and then setting fire to gnome corpses wouldn’t start a riot, I don’t know what would; after all, it’s quite an incendiary action.
“I hate to think of what will become of poor Sponksy, with his constant lament, “All I do is sit here and PUSH FORMS (posh smurf) around all day.” (However, as a kind of bonus, he may very well be constantly reaching under his desk for the bottle to PEG SPICY RUM (Grumpy Spice) instead.)
“And yes, Panini’s Neon Tetra abuse and Red Swordtail theft were strictly GUPPY CRIMES (Grumpy Spice) compared to his latest caper, Esposito (who didn’t drink much water) realized while working on the warrant. That’s why Jameson advised the gangster to “Just sit there nice and quiet while the OFT DRY WRAPS (Sporty Dwarf) up the charges.” But, through it all, Panini’s focus remained on DE SHINY CAP (Handy Spice) that had been confiscated from his head."
ANSWERS TO “THE JED SCOTT CASE”:
DANDY WHARF = HANDY DWARF
FURY, "TOSS MR. P = SPORTY SMURF
SUPER MYSELF = SLEEPY SMURF Nine entrants filled in all five blanks correctly. They are: Mark Davies, Jed Scott, Matthew Blakstad, Andrew Kraft, Mark Mathis, Ian Baker, George Long, Nick Woodhead, and David Provost.
The winner of a McSweeney’s book, chosen at random, is Nick Woodhead.
The answers are as follows:
1. Before you know it, they’ve started another one of these WAR-CRY FADS (SCARY DWARF) and it takes half the force to keep them in line."
2. “All I do is sit here and PUSH FORMS (POSH SMURF) around all day.”
3. They’d brought Panini in before for Neon Tetra abuse and Red Swordtail theft. But those were strictly GUPPY CRIMES (GRUMPY SPICE) compared to something like this.
4. “I suggest you just sit there nice and quiet while the CHIEF TYPES (HEFTY SPICE) up the charges,”
5. “I’ll be walking outta here soon and when I do, there better be A PEPSI CAP (PAPA SPICE) on my head.”
THE JED SCOTT CASE
Jed Scott wrote:
“I felt bad for Handy, Sleepy, and Sporty being left out of the game. Here’s a possible continuation of the story…”
Panini continued, “I was enjoying myself on that pier. It was a ______________ before you showed up.”
Esposito didn’t react well to the criminal’s tone. He shouted with ____________ into solitary and lose the key!"
Sponsky and Jameson took Panini away, and returned, slapping each other on the back. “What a great catch,” Jameson opined.
Esposito just shook his head. “I’d be a little more ______________ if I knew what he was doing with that whale.”
(See the bottom of this page for the answers.)
NOT SMURFY
Ian Baker offered a few other anagrams in the way of impolite suggestions. One was SPRUCE MY PIG (Grumpy Spice) and the other one is not repeatable (but you can craft it yourself out of “Sleepy Smurf”)
A GOOD EFFORT, MR. FAWLTY
The unpronounceable “rpt pts” (or “rbt pts,” his address proclaims it both ways) had a few entertaining and plausible near misses among his guesses.
1. POWDRY FARTS (sporty dwarf) or
“PCP YES!” RIOTS (sporty spice)
3. RACY PISCES (scary spice)
YOU CAN’T GO TO THAT GRUMPY SPICE WELL TOO OFTEN
And Megan Cohen didn’t get all five, but we much enjoyed the defense of her answers:
“As for those war-mongering youths, I firmly believe they’ve started another one of these ELF SUM PYRES (Sleepy Smurf). If practicing addition on and then setting fire to gnome corpses wouldn’t start a riot, I don’t know what would; after all, it’s quite an incendiary action.
“I hate to think of what will become of poor Sponksy, with his constant lament, “All I do is sit here and PUSH FORMS (posh smurf) around all day.” (However, as a kind of bonus, he may very well be constantly reaching under his desk for the bottle to PEG SPICY RUM (Grumpy Spice) instead.)
“And yes, Panini’s Neon Tetra abuse and Red Swordtail theft were strictly GUPPY CRIMES (Grumpy Spice) compared to his latest caper, Esposito (who didn’t drink much water) realized while working on the warrant. That’s why Jameson advised the gangster to “Just sit there nice and quiet while the OFT DRY WRAPS (Sporty Dwarf) up the charges.” But, through it all, Panini’s focus remained on DE SHINY CAP (Handy Spice) that had been confiscated from his head."
ANSWERS TO “THE JED SCOTT CASE”:
DANDY WHARF = HANDY DWARF
FURY, "TOSS MR. P = SPORTY SMURF
SUPER MYSELF = SLEEPY SMURF