Shortly after the publication of this piece, its author, J. Biederman Pierce, came under some scrutiny for fabrication and plagiarism. We apologize to you, dear reader, for not upholding the high standard of this publication. After reviewing the author’s sources and putting the piece through a second round of rigorous fact checking and corroboration, we have chosen to keep the article online, with all errors corrected and noted below.

  • In the second paragraph, United Steelworkers Local 286 was referred to as a “Baltic post-punk industrial synth-pop band.” This is incorrect, it is a steelworkers union.
  • The pull-quote on the first page is misattributed. When attempting to contact him, we discovered that Happy Gilmore is a fictional character who has never, to our knowledge, worked directly for the International Monetary Fund.
  • Paragraph seven began, “This is all real, seriously.” The rest of the paragraph was false.
  • Mr. Biederman Pierce claimed that the large blank space between the ninth and tenth paragraphs contained “multiple revelatory details written in invisible ink.” We squeezed lemon juice onto this section and found nothing. Our computer screen is very sticky.
  • New York City, Tokyo, and Jakarta are all on the planet Earth, not the planet Frailok-Ep-3 in the galaxy Varasmos.
  • Mr. Biederman Pierce stole a barstool from our office’s kitchen. This didn’t come up in the article but we thought you should know.
  • The fourteenth and fifteenth paragraphs are not in fact quotations from Martin Luther’s “Ninety-Five Theses.” They are lifted directly from the Cheesy Scalloped Potatoes recipe on the side of the Campbell’s Condensed Cream of Celery Soup can.
  • “Blowdog” isn’t a word and we should have questioned this each and every 17 times it was used.
  • In the final paragraph, the author made a claim about “extra-natural powers” derived from eating ten worms in under a minute. We can neither confirm nor deny this claim as no one at this publication could keep more than eight worms down.

We thank you for your understanding and continued support. Mr. Biederman Pierce has been reassigned to the Metro News desk.