Attention, All Employees

Have you ever wanted to be the envy of your co-workers, to be acknowledged by all as the best at something? Now is your chance! Enter the company-wide jellybean-counting contest! All you have to do is guess correctly—or be the closest to guessing correctly—the number of jellybeans in the large glass container located in hallway G-West on floor 15.

For security reasons, that portion of the building is open only to employees with clearance level 5 or above. However, there will be closed-circuit televisions set up around the lobby, and these will display live feed of the jellybeans from 42 different angles, to give all employees an equal chance of examining the jellybeans and guessing correctly.

To enter a guess, see Jean Thompson in human resources, our newly hired Fun Activities Coordinator. She will provide the forms you must fill out in order to register an official guess. Although the forms are self-explanatory, the following is a brief explanation of what you must write on each one:

Blue form: Write your name, worker ID number, work phone number, work e-mail address, and jellybean guess. This is your primary entrance form.

Green form: Write your name, worker ID number, home phone number, home e-mail address, and jellybean guess. This enables us to inform you if you have won but are out sick on the day the actual number is revealed.

Red form: Write your name, worker ID number, home phone number, home e-mail address, and exactly half your jellybean guess multiplied by 1.06. This is for tax purposes.

Yellow form: Write your name, worker ID number, work phone number, work e-mail address, your jellybean guess, and a brief description of the psychological state of the jellybeans. This is to comply with regulations from the International Jellybean Consortium.

Chartreuse form: Write your name, the name of your primary-care physician, your home address, your jellybean guess, and your signature. This is a waiver of liability if you sustain a jellybean-related injury during the jellybean-counting contest or at any other time in the future.

Goldenrod form: Write your name, signature, and jellybean guess. This is an affirmation that you did not use any performance-enhancing drugs while participating in the jellybean-counting contest.

Magenta form: Write your name and e-mail address. This is a form that Marcia Wakefield from the marketing staff asked us to include. It signs you up for her weekly e-mail of cute puppy stories.

Pink form: Write your name, worker ID number, home address, and signature. This is a waiver form, clearing the company of all future and past liability for any toxins or biohazardous waste that you may or may not have been exposed to in the office. Don’t worry about it—it’s a standard jellybean form.

Remember to fill out all your forms in triplicate. The winner gets an extra copy of the company handbook, and all participants get a special smiley sticker from Jean. Good luck!