I, For One, Feel Safer in the Death Star Knowing Grand Moff Tarkin Leaked Its Blueprints to His Wife

“Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth shared detailed information about forthcoming strikes in Yemen on March 15 in a private Signal group chat that included his wife, brother and personal lawyer, according to four people with knowledge of the chat.” — New York Times

I’m a Wife Guy, just like my boss, Grand Moff Tarkin. That’s why I don’t get the big deal around this so-called Signalgate 2.0. Is a man not supposed to talk to his wife about his day anymore? If you ask me, our beloved Empire is under attack—and so is the sanctity of marriage.

You can listen to the lamestream media heads in Coruscant mutter and moan about things they don’t understand, or you can get your truth straight from me, a guy who actually works on the Death Star. My life is on the line here, folks. I may be only a lowly maintenance worker for this space station’s thermal exhaust ports, but if you had access to those blueprints Tarkin sent out to his wife, you’d know how hot and explosive things can get around here. So if I’m not worried, should you be? Should anyone?

And let’s keep in mind that Tarkin promotes a healthy work-life balance on the Death Star. I don’t hear that being celebrated in the press. For me, Tarkin sharing confidential intel with his wife on a public, nonsecure messaging application is him just putting his money where his mouth is. He’s not all about the work, all of the time. Sometimes he’s kicking back with a blue milk, chatting about the kids, sports, or highly classified blueprints with the love of his life. And if he occasionally mixes things up and gets gabbing with his fraternity bros from Eriadu, old coworkers, or the editor of The Naboo Atlantic, more power to him.

I can’t help but keep thinking that’s what this is all really about: taking a good guy down. The spite of some people… Just because Tarkin has what they want—obscene wealth, a devoted wife, beautiful kids, and a successful career constructing the galaxy’s first planet-obliterating super weapon—they want to hold him accountable.

And I’ll say it. Others are thinking about it anyway. Do you really believe the media would be so fired up about Tarkin if he had shared Death Star blueprints containing vital information about the whereabouts, or lack thereof, of a fatal flaw deep in the thermal exhaust ports with his boyfriend? Yeah, I don’t think so either. Suddenly, he’d be labeled some sort of progressive hero. Maybe even a rebel.

So let’s just cool it with the hysterics (which, incidentally, is what I now need to go do with the thermal exhaust ports). The Empire is safe. You are safe. I am safe. And this big, beautiful space station of annihilation is safe.

The next time you see some screaming headline about Tarkin’s alleged evil, either with leaking classified materials or just being sort of lackadaisical with human life, I’d invite you to be like me and give white men in power the benefit of the doubt. Lead with kindness. Trust in our side—the literal Dark Side.

What’s that saying? “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” I don’t really know what it means, but it sure is dark right now, and that’s just how I like it.