Dear Whoever Keeps Making My Wife Laugh on Slack,

Enough. It’s just enough already.

Now, listen to me carefully because I’m only going to say this once: your making-my-wife-laugh days are over, buddy. Do you hear me? Over. That means no more memes, no more GIFs, and especially no more company inside jokes that I “just wouldn’t understand.”

First of all, I understand everything. Got that, Carlin?

And second, don’t you have an actual job you should be doing? After all, the last time I checked, it was called “work from home,” not “make my wife laugh from home.” That is, unless your job is to make my wife laugh—in which case, whatever they’re paying you, it’s not enough.

Hey, I have a good idea: You should ask the last guy who used to make my wife laugh on Slack how much he was making. I’m sure he’d be more than willing to help you renegotiate your salary. If you find out who he is, let me know. I’d like to have a few words with him myself—the punching kind.

Wait a second—did you think you were the only one? Oh my god, you did, didn’t you? Oh, that is adorable. Really, it is. Hey, newsflash, you dummy: everyone is making my wife laugh on Slack. You couldn’t find an easier laugh if you tried. You should hear the woman watch Dunston Checks In. And if you live anywhere on the Eastern Seaboard, chances are you probably already have.

Here’s the unfortunate reality of the situation: I’m sure, to you, she’s this dream girl you’ve built up in your head—dare I say, even your “work wife.” But to her, you’re just another notch on her unnecessarily large second computer monitor, a story for her to tell at parties. She’ll tire of you eventually. She always does.

Let me ask you something: is this all some sort of joke to you? Because it definitely is to her. A really funny one too. Do you know who it’s not a joke to though? Our son. I bet she failed to mention him, didn’t she? That’s right; a beautiful baby boy—and if you so much as think of making even a single hair on his head laugh on Slack, so help me, God.

Also, not that it’s any of your business, but I’ll have you know she’s getting plenty of laughs at home. Oh yeah, big time. I’m talking once, sometimes even twice a week, if our sitter is free—my wife thinks she’s hilarious.

So yeah, I’d say she’s all set.

What it comes down to is this: from this day forward, I want you to think twice before you go and make my wife laugh on Slack. And if you’re still thinking it’s a good idea after the second time you think about it, think three times. That should be enough times. But if you do get to three times and you’re still thinking you might do it? Well, then, I have a little friend I want to introduce you to: his name is four—and something tells me you two will get along famously.

Think as many times as it takes for you not to make my wife laugh on the internet is what I’m trying to say. I don’t know how many times that will be. It’s different for everyone, I find.

Without so much as even a smile on my face,
Dan